Screenplay by Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman
The words "United Artists, a Transamerica Company," appear in white over a silent black screen, cutting almost immediately and suddenly to a series of shots of the New York City skyline. As "Rhapsody in Blue" is heard over the scenery, the images flash on and off: the skyline at dawn, the sun silhouetting the Empire State Building, jutting skyscrapers, parking lots, crowded streets, the Brooklyn Bridge, neon lights advertising Broadway, Coca-Cola, various hotels, the snow-covered and lamp-lit streets of Park Avenue and Central Park, the garment district, an excited demonstration downtown . . .
As the music swells over the Manhattan scenery, Ike's voice is heard, as if reading aloud from his writings.
ike's voice-over "Chapter One. He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion." Uh, no, make that: "He-he . . . romanticized it all out of proportion. Now ... to him ... no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black and white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin." Ahhh, now let me start this over. "Chapter One. He was too romantic about Manhattan as he was about everything else. He thrived on the hustle . . . bustle of the crowds and the traffic." As Ike continues to talk, more Manhattan scenes are shown: sophisticated women walking down Fifth Avenue; construction men drilling on the streets;
the docks; a ferry moving into port; children running down the steps of a private school, finished for the day. Accenting Ike's words, the images continue to flash: a fish market, presided over by a man in a smudged apron; two elderly women, bundled in winter coats; a fruit stand; high school boys playing basketball in a fenced-off court; joggers in the Park; the Plaza Hotel;
garbage piled up on the streets; building fronts of such landmarks as Gucci and Sotheby Parke Bernet; the Guggenbeim Museum; people, young and old;
trafficked streets; three men loitering on a corner; the crowded lower level of the 59th Street Bridge. The "Rhapsody in Blue" score continues very softly in the background.
ike's voice-over "To him, New York meant beautiful women and street-smart guys who seemed to know all the angles." Nah, no . . . corny, too corny . . . for . . . my taste (Clearing his throat) ... I mean, let me try and make it more profound. "Chapter One. He adored New York City. To him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. The same lack of individual integrity to cause so many people to take the easy way out . . . was rapidly turning the town of his dreams in-" No, it's gonna be too preachy. I mean, you know . . . let's face it, I wanna sell some books here.
FOUR FILMS OF WïïDY ALLEN
"Chapter One. He adored New York City, although to him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. How hard it was to exist in a society desensitized by drugs, loud music, television, crime, garbage." Too angry. I don't wanna be angry. "Chapter One. He was as ... tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat." I love this. "New York was his town. And it always would be."
While Ike finishes bis recitation, "Rhapsody in Blue" loudly fills the screen as the pictures of New York City life continues to appear on and off the screen:
a man and a woman kissing on a balcony; a lighted Broadway; Yankee Stadium at night, its lights illuminating the crowds; two actors performing on the Delacorte Theatre stage; Radio City Music Hall; and ending with a spectacular view of the Manhattan skyline at night, firecrackers flashing over the buildings and dark sky, as the music reaches a crescendo and abruptly stops and the film cuts to:
EXTERIOR/INTERIOR. EIAINE'S CAFE-NIGHT.
The camera shows the word "Elaine's" drawn on the glass of the restaurant, and moves inside, past patrons being shown to their seats, past the crowded, noisy, smoky tables, to Issac (Ike) Davis' table, where he sits with his date, a young girl named Tracy, his good friend Yale Pollack, an intellectual teacher-critic, and Vale's wife, Emily. Yale is in the midst of an intense discussion as the camera moves in closer to his face.
YALE I think the essence of art is to provide a kind of working through the situation for people, you know, so that you can get in touch with feelings that you didn't know you had, really.
IKE Talent is luck. Tsch. I think the important thing in life is courage.
EMILY (To Tracy, chuckling) They've had this argument for twenty years.
IKE Listen to this example I'm gonna give. If the four of us (Smacking his lips together) are walking home over the bridge (Inhaling) and then there was a person drowning in the water, would we have the nerve, would one of us have the nerve to dive into the icy water and save the person from drowning?
YALE (Overlapping) Jump into the water and save the drowning man.
IKE Because . . . that's a-that's a key question. You know, I-I, of course, can't swim, so I never have to face it. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it, staring at Tracy, looking only at her and humming, while Emily and Yale talk in the background.
IKE (To Tracy, mumbling) I don't know.
YALE (To Emily) No, no. Which of us would do it. He chuckles.
EMILY (To Yale, chuckling) I don't know.
YALE (Giving Emily a forkful of his food) You want a little more?
YALE Come on. (Chuckling) You really do.
EMILY (Taking the food) Thanks.
IKE (Puffing on his cigarette, still looking at Tracy) Mm. Oh, man, that is so great!
YALE (To Emily, overlapping) Mm.
TRACY (To Ike, chuckling) You don't smoke.
IKE I know I don't smoke. I don't inhale because it gives you cancer. But (Exhaling) I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette-
TRACY (Interrupting) Oh.
IKE -that I can't not hold one. I know this. (Still smoking the cigarette) You like the way I look?
She nods her head yes while Yale chuckles with Emily in the background.
IKE (Looking at Tracy) I know.
YALE (To Emily) Provocative.
IKE (To Tracy) I'm getting through to you, right?
TRACY (Overlapping) Yup. You'll have to excuse me.
She gets up from the table.
YALE (Looking at Tracy as she walks away) Jesus, she's gorgeous.
IKE (Drinking his glass of wine and nodding his head) Mm, but she's seventeen. (Smacking his lips together) I'm forty-two and she's seven-
teen. (Coughing) I-I'm dating a girl wherein I can beat up her father. It's the first time that phenomenon ever occurred in my life.
EMILY (Shaking her head) He's drunk. yale You're drunk. You know, you should never drink.
IKE (Still drinking his wine) Tsch. Did I tell you (Exhaling) that my ex-wife-
EMILY (Interrupting) Who, Tina?
IKE (Shaking his head and holding up two fingers) -mm-mm-my second ex-wife-is writing a book about our marriage and the breakup?
EMILY That's really tacky.
IKE (Puffing on his cigarette) It's really depressing. You know, she's gonna (Sighing) give all those details out, all my little idiosyncrasies, and my quirks and mannerisms and-and, mm, mm, not that I have anything to hide because, you know ... (Smacking his lips together) but there are a few disgusting little moments that I regret. Yale sighs.
YALE It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography. We have it in the daily newspapers.
IKE (Overlapping) I should never let her threaten me.
YALE I know.
Tracy comes back to the table and sits next to Ike, who is laughing drunkenly.
yale (Chuckling) You should never let yourself drink.
IKE I know, my head.
TRACY (Looking at Ike) You know, we ought to go 'cause I've got an exam tomorrow.
A man and a woman pass their table, talking together.
man (To the woman) A regular plan for . . .
IKE (To Tracy, overlapping) Oh, do you? (To Emily and Yale) The kid's gotta get up and . . .
The man and woman continue to talk near their table; Tracy sighs and laughs at Ike and the situation.
IKE (To Yale, chuckling) She's got homework. I'm dating a girl who does homework.
Tracy continues to sigh as the film leaves the noisy restaurant and cuts to:
Emily and Tracy trail behind Ike and Yale as they walk along the sidewalk, illuminated by the street lamps. Ike casually holds his sweater over his shoulder as he talks to his old friend.
IKE What is it? What's the matter with you? You-you-you, where is your-where are you now?
YALE (Sighing) Oh.
IKE Your mind is like a million miles away someplace.
YALE Yeah, I have something I wanna talk to you about. I, uh, I just didn't know quite how to ... get into it. Um ... I, uh, I, uh, uh, uh, about seven or eight weeks ago, I, uh, I went to this dinner party. And, uh, I met a woman there. And (Sighing) tsch, and I-I-I-I've- I've got kind of involved with her. Um, um . . .
IKE You're kidding?
YALE It started out very casually, you know. I mean-
IKE (Overlapping) Un-huh.
YALE -we had lunch a couple of times. And now, it's . . . you know, it's-it's getting out of hand, and I don't know what to do about it. I mean, I'm . . . it's scary.
IKE Well, what-who is she? What are-what are the details, hm?
YALE Well, she's a journalist.
YALE She's very-
IKE (Interrupting) Is she married too?
YALE No, no, no. She's very beautiful.
YALE She's very-you know, kind of nervous, high-strung ... illusive.
IKE Yeah, but this affects me. jill I'm in a rush.
IKE So you're gonna tell everybody everything, right? Our life, our sexual life, our-all the details, right?
JILL (Overlapping) What do you do? Do you spy on me?
IKE No, I don't have to spy. I was at a party and a guy said he read a-a-a-an advance chapter of a book that my wife was writing. And it was hot stuff. He said it ... was hot stuff.
IKE (Gesturing) I spilled my-I spilled wine on my pants.
JILL (Looking at Ike) Well, I don't care to discuss it.
IKE You don't care to discuss it. How's Willie?
JILL (Looking away) Fine.
They stop near some fountains in front of a Sixth Avenue building, still talking.
IKE Well, give me some details, will you? What do you mean "fine"? I mean, does he play baseball? Does he wear dresses? What?!
JILL He doesn't wear dresses. You'll find out all the details when it's your turn to see him.
IKE Hey, don't write this book. It's a humiliating experience.
JILL It's an honest account of our breakup. They continue walking again at their quick pace.
IKE Jesus, everybody that knows us is gonna know everything.
JILL Look at you, you're so threatened. Jill walks off as Ike continues to talk.
IKE (Stopping in his tracks, yelling after Jill's receding figure) Hey, I'm not threatened because I, uh, of the two of us, I was not the immoral, psychotic, promiscuous one. I hope I didn't leave out anything.
INTERIOR. IKE'S APARTMENT-NIGHT.
Tracy sits on a couch in the living-room area, reading a book, while Ike, carrying two wine glasses, walks down a nearby spiral staircase into the
hallway. He talks to Tracy as he walks into the kitchen to put away the glasses. Mood music plays in the background.
IKE Are you telling me that-that-that I'm-that-that you've had three affairs before me? That's really hard to believe. You know, it's mind-boggling. When I was your age, I was still being tucked in by my grandparents.
TRACY Oh, well, they were really immature boys. I mean, they were nothing like you.
IKE Yeah, what does that mean?
TRACY Well, I told you before. I think I'm in love with you.
Ike leaves the kitchen and walks over to the couch. He sits down beside Tracy, pushing aside her sprawled-out legs to make room.
IKE Hey, don't get carried away, okay? This is-this is a terrific thing (Pushing aside Tracy's legs)-move over, love-'cause you know, and then it's a wonderful . . . you know, we're having a great time and all that. But you're a kid, and-and I never want you to forget that, you know. I mean, you're gonna meet a lot of terrific men in your life and . . . You know, I want you to enjoy me, my-my wry sense of humor and (Chuckling) astonishing sexual technique, but never forget that, you know, you've-you've got your whole life ahead of you.
TRACY Well, don't you have any feelings for me?
IKE (Gesturing) Well, how can you ask that question? What do you- of course, I've got nothing but feelings for you, but, you know . . . you don't wanna get hung up with one person at your age. It's . . . tsch, charming, you know, and (Clearing his throat) . . . erotic. There's no question about that. As long as the cops don't burst in, we're-you know, I think we're gonna break a couple of records ... you know. But you can't, uh, you can't do it. It's not, uh, it's not a good thing. You should think of me . . . sort of as a detour on the highway of life. Tsch, so get dressed because I think you gotta get outta here. He gets up from the couch and takes Tracy by the hand.
TRACY Don't you want me to stay over?
Reluctantly she gets up from the couch. They walk hand in hand up the spiral staircase as they talk.
FOUR FII.MS OF WOODY A LL E N
IKE I-I don't want you to get in the habit, you know, because the first thing you know, you stay over one night and then two nights and then, you know, then you're-you're living here.
TRACY You know, that doesn't sound too bad.
IKE Mm, no, no, it's not such a great idea. You won't like it. Believe me, I'm-I'm tough to get along with. Tomorrow we'll go to the Bleecker Street Cinema and I'll show you the Veronica Lake movie, okay?
TRACY All right. Veronica Lake's the pinup with the red hair?
IKE No, that's Rita Hayworth. Tell me, do we-do we have to go over this all the time?
As Ike and Tracy walk up the stairs they leave the screen; their voices are still heard.
TRACY (Walking offscreen) Who, Ri-Rita who?
IKE (Walking offscreen) Rita Hayworth. Are you joking with me? I mean, I never know when you're teasing.
TRACY (Offscreen) Of course I'm joking! Do you think I'm unaware of any event pre-Paul McCartney or something? The music stops and the film dissolves into the Guggenheim Museum, inhere Tracy, in shirt and jeans, and Ike study some photographs. It is crowded;
people walk by them, talking and looking.
IKE You see, I find these photographs interesting, you know. I mean-
TRACY (Interrupting) Yeah, so do I.
IKE Have you-do you ever use the camera that I got you?
TRACY Oh, yeah, I use it all the time. I was taking pictures in our drama class.
IKE Were you? tracy It's fun. It's really neat, yeah.
IKE You know who you sound like when you talk? The mouse in the Tom and Jerry cartoons.
TRACY (Laughing) Are you kidding me?
IKE No, no, I figured it out.
TRACY You should talk! You have a whiny voice.
IKE You sound-you sound exactly like the mouse. It's really an art.
TRACY (Chuckling) Oh, well. Thanks.
IKE I know, I'm a whiner. You know-
Ike stops talking and looks through the doorway. Both he and Tracy stand there, looking offscreen, as they greet Vale, who is not yet seen.
IKE (To Yale) What are you doing here?
TRACY (Overlapping) H-hi.
YALE (Offscreen) Hi.
IKE How-how long have you been here?
TRACY (To Yale) Really, we were just talking about you.
IKE (Gesturing) Oh, that's hilarious.
IKE (Overlapping, to Yale) What're you-what're you, uh, what're you -were-what are you-you walking around behind us or what?
Tracy laughs while Yale walks through the doorway into the photography room.
YALE (Chuckling, to Ike) How are you? (To Tracy) Hi.
IKE Okay, good. That's so funny. We were talking about-you know, we're-we're all gonna go to that Shakespeare in the Park thing this weekend. See if we can go ahead and do that.
YALE Oh, yeah, right. (Mary Wilke walks through the doorway and stands beside Yale) I wanna do that. (Turning to Mary) Issac Davis and Tracy.
MARY (Shaking Ike's hand) Well, hello, hi.
IKE Hello, how do you do? How are you?
MARY Nice to meet you.
IKE You, too. You, too.
IKE (Chuckling nervously) We were downstairs at the Castelli Gallery. We saw the photography exhibition. Incredible, absolutely incredible.
192 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
TRACY Oh, it's really good.
MARY Really, you liked that?
Yale sighs, not participating in the conversation.
IKE The-the photographs downstairs . . .
MARY Yes, downstairs.
IKE (Overlapping) . . . Castelli Gallery . . . great, absolutely great. (Pausing) Mm-hm, did you?
MARY Huh? No, I-I really felt it was very derivative. To me, it looked like it was straight out of Diane Arbus, but it had none of the wit. It was-
IKE (Interrupting) Really? Well, you know, we-we didn't like 'em as much as the-the Plexiglas sculpture, that I will admit. I mean, it-
MARY (Interrupting) Really, you liked the Plexiglas, huh?
IKE You didn't like the Plexiglas sculpture either?
MARY (Sighing) Oh, it's interesting. (Shrugging) Nah, I-uh, I, uh, tsch.
IKE It-it was a hell of a lot better than that-that steel cube. Did you see the steel cube?
TRACY (Overlapping) Oh, yeah, that was the weirdest.
Ike laughs nervously.
MARY Now, that was brilliant to me, absolutely brilliant.
IKE The steel cube was brilliant?
MARY Yes. Uh, to me, it was-it was very textural. You know what I mean? It was perfectly integrated and it had a-a-a marvelous kind of negative capability. The rest of the stuff downstairs was bullshit.
Ike raises an eyebrow, reacting, as the film moves outside the museum to the sidewalk where Ike and Tracy, Yale and Mary walk in the sun, four abreast, talking.
YALE (To Ike) You wanna go see the Sol LeWitts?
IKE Sure, that'd be fun. (To Tracy) You wanna see Sol LeWitts too?
MARY (Overlapping) You know, he's having an opeining at the Modern soon. I was gonna, uh, do a piece on Sol for Insights. Do-do you know that magazine? It's a-you know, it's one of those little magazines. I mean, they're such schmucks up there. (Chuckling) Really mired in thirties radicalism. (Looking at Tracy) What do you do, Tracy?
TRACY I go to high school.
MARY (Chuckling and nodding) Oh, really, really, hm. (Aside, to Yale) Somewhere Nabokov is smiling, if you know what I mean.
YALE (Laughing, to Ike) I think LeWitt's overrated. In fact, I think he may be a candidate for the old Academy.
MARY (Interrupting) Do you? Oh, really? (Laughing) Oh, that's right, we-
YALE (Interrupting) Mary and I have invented the, uh, Academy of the Overrated-
MARY (interrupting) That's right. She laughs.
YALE -for, uh, such notables as ...
MARY (overlapping) Such people as, uh . . .
YALE (Laughing) Gustav Mahler.
MARY And Isak Dinesen and Carl Jung . . .
YALE . . . Scott Fitzgerald and . . . (Chuckling) uh-
MARY (Interrupting) Lenny Bruce. We can't forget Lenny Bruce- now, can we?
YALE (Laughing) Lenny Bruce.
MARY And how about Norman Mailer and Walt Whitman and-
IKE (Interrupting) I think those people are all terrific, everyone that you mentioned.
MARY What? What?
YALE (To Mary) Who's that guy you had? You had a great one last week.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
MARY (Overlapping) No, no, I didn't have it. It was yours. It was Heinrich Boll, wasn't it?
YALE (Laughing) Oh, God.
IKE (Looking incredulous) Overrated?
YALE Anyway, we don't wanna leave out ol' Heinrich.
IKE Hey, what about Mozart? You guys don't wanna leave out Mozart-I mean, while you're trashing people.
MARY (Chuckling) Oh, well, how about Vincent Van Gogh (Pronouncing it "Goch") ... or Ingmar Bergman?
IKE (Overlapping) Van Goch? (Aside, to Tracy) Did she say "Van Goch"?
MARY (To Yale) How about Ingmar Bergman?
IKE (Overlapping, shaking his head) Van Goch.
YALE (Overlapping to Mary) Oh, you-you'll get in trouble with Bergman. He sighs.
MARY What do you mean?
IKE (Overlapping, looking at Mary) Bergman? Bergman's the only genius in cinema today, I think. I just mean-
YALE (Interrupting, to Mary) He's a big Bergman fan, you know.
MARY (Looking at Ike, gesturing) Oh, please, you know. God, you're so the opposite! I mean, you write that absolutely fabulous television show. It's brilliantly funny and his view is so Scandinavian. It's bleak, my God. I mean, all that Kierkegaard, right? Real adolescent, you know, fashionable pessimism. I mean, the silence. God's silence. Okay, okay, okay, I mean, I loved it when I was at Radcliffe, but, I mean, all right, you outgrow it. You absolutely outgrow it.
YALE Ah, I think I've got to go with him and Ingmar.
He laughs hesitantly.
IKE (Aside, to Tracy) Get her away from me. I don't think I can take too much more of her. She's really a cr-creep.
MARY Oh, no, no, no, no, don't you see-don't you guys see that it is the dignifying of one's own psychological and sexual hangups by
attaching them to these grandiose philosophical issues? That's what it is.
Ike clears his throat. The group stops walking.
YALE (Pointing to a nearby apartment building) Here we are.
IKE (Fumbling) Uh, listen, I ...
MARY (overlapping) Oh.
IKE (To Mary) It was very nice meeting you.
IKE (Shaking Mary's hand) It was-it was a pleasure and a-
YALE (Interrupting) Oh.
IKE -sincere sensation, but we have to go-
MARY Yeah, well.
IKE -because we gotta get some-we gotta do some shopping. I forgot about it.
MARY (Laughing nervously) Hey, listen. Hey, listen, I don't even wanna have this conversation. I mean-really, I mean, I'm just from Philadelphia. You know, I mean, we believe in God, so-uh, uh, okay?
IKE (Gesturing) What the hell does that mean?
MARY (Frowning, confused) Is it?
IKE (Gesturing) What is it-what-what'd you-what'd you-what'd she mean-what do you mean by that there?
MARY Well, what-
IKE (Interrupting) "I'm from Philadelphia." "I believe in God." What-what does ... (Mary laughs nervously) Does-does this make any sense to you at all? I ...
INTERIOR. DEAN AND DELUCA'S FOOD SHOP-DAY.
Tracy and Ike are picking up some groceries. While Tracy calmly looks at the foodstuff, a wire basket in her hand, Ike talks and gestures rapidly.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Sighing) What a creep! Could you believe her? I mean, she was really-
TRACY (Interrupting) Oh, she seemed real nervous.
IKE Nervous? She was overbearing. She was, mm, you know, mm, terrible. She was all cerebral (Sighing and pointing to bis head) you know. Wh-was-where the hell does that little Radcliffe tootsie come off rating, mm, Scott Fitzgerald and Gustav Mahler and then Heinrich Boll?
TRACY (Putting a can in her basket) I don't understand why you're getting so mad.
IKE I'm mad because I don't like that pseudointellectual garbage. And she was pedantic. Van Gogh. (Prouncing it "Goch") Did you hear that? She said "Van Goch." I couldn't- Like an Arab she spoke. I couldn't. . . and if she had made one more remark about Bergman, I would've knocked her other contact lens out.
He makes a fist in the air.
TRACY (Putting a container of cocoa in her basket) Oh, is she Yale's mistress?
IKE (Shaking his head) That will never cease to mystify me. I mean, he's got a wonderful wife and he prefers to-to, mm, diddle this little yo-yo that-that. . . you know. Uh, but-but he was always a sucker for, uh, th-th-those kind of women, you know, the kind, uh, who'd involve him in discussions of existential reality, you know. They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese and mispronounce "allegorical" and "didacticism." He sighs.
TRACY Well, I get the feeling that Yale really likes her.
IKE Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
They walk to the cashier. Tracy takes out her parcels and places them on the counter.
TRACY Tsch. Well, I don't know, maybe people weren't meant to have one deep relationship. Maybe we're meant to have, you know, a series of relationships of different lengths. I mean, that kind of thing's gone out of date.
IKE Hey, don't tell me what's gone out of date, okay? You're seventeen years old. You were brought up on drugs and television and the pill. I-I-I was World War Two. (Sighing) I was in the trenches.
TRACY (Chuckling) Oh, you were eight in World War Two.
IKE That's right. I was never in the trenches. I was caught right in the middle. It was a very tough position. Tracy laughs.
IKE (Looking away, gesturing) Get the groceries, will you?
INTERIOR. TELEVISION STUDIO-DAY.
Technicians and cameramen scurry around a raised set where a comedic Interviewer sits with his guests, Gregory and Caroline Payne Whitney Smith. She has long blond hair; she remains motionless, staring into one of the television cameras. Her husband is much more jittery; he wears a turned-around baseball cap on his head. Audience laughter is heard over the skit as the Interviewer or his guests say or do something funny.
interviewer Good morning and welcome to Human Beings Wow! We're talking this evening with, uh, Gregory and Caroline Payne
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
Whitney Smith, who are very close friends of the Carter family, isn't that right?
gregory (Nodding and laughing) And we're just normal people, just ordinary people just like you are, in debt.
interviewer (Chuckling) Except for the fact that Mrs. Payne Whitney Smith is a catatonic. Isn't that correct?
gregory Well, we don't consider her a catatonic. We just kind of consider her quiet.
interviewer Oh, that's very . . .
The camera moves to the control booth, where Ike stands near the window looking down on the studio set. Television monitors display the interview skit going on below; a man sits behind the control console while Dick, the show's director, sits near him; Paul, the show's producer, stands between them, almost totally offscreen except for his wristwatched arm.The skit continues over the voices of the men in the booth.
interviewer (Over the television monitors) . . . beautiful. She's a wonderful, wonderful person and you take very good care of her too.
technician in control booth I said "Slide seven." See slide seven.
IKE (Overlapping, reacting) Jesus, this is terrible. This-this is really embarrassing to me. I mean, I-I mean, this is so antiseptic. It's nothing like what we talked about.
dick No, no, wrong, wrong. That's not antiseptic.
IKE I mean, this isn't-this has nothing . . .
dick That's-that's very chancy material. I mean, who fights-
IKE (Interrupting) How do you see this as chancy?
dick -who fights more with the censor?
IKE (Sitting down on the edge of the console) It's empty.
technician in control booth Slide three.
IKE What-what has the-what has the censor got to do with it? It's empty. There's not, uh-there's not, uh, uh, any substance to the comedy.
paul No, no, you don't find this insightful here?
IKE Well, it's worse than not insightful. It's not funny. There's not
-there's not a legitimate laugh in that.
dick (Pointing to the monitor) Oh, it's- That's funny. That's funny! Funny.
IKE Why do you think that it's funny?
paul (Gesturing) Look at the audience.
IKE There's not a-
dick (Interrupts, pointing to the audience below the control booth) Look at
-look at the audience there.
IKE (Listening to the audience laughter coming from the monitor) You're going by the-you're going by audience reaction to this? I mean, this is an audience that's raised on television. Their-their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. You know, these guys sit in front of their sets and the-the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out. Uh, you know, um, ya, I'm- I quit.
He stands up and leans over the console, picking up his jacket from a chair.
dick All right. Just relax. Take a lude. Take a lude.
IKE (Overlapping) No, no, no, no, no, I quit. I can't write this anymore. I can't ... I don't want a lude. The men in the control booth are quiet for a brief moment; the audience laughter and the interview dialogue continues over the monitor in the silence.
IKE (Putting on his jacket and breaking the pause) All you guys do is-is, uh, drop ludes and then-then take Percodans and angel dust. Naturally, it seems funny.
dick You know, just relax, relax.
IKE (Gesturing) Anything would if you're-if you're . . . You know, we, y-y-you should abandon the show and open a pharmaceutical house.
dick Look, you-
IKE (Interrupting) I quit.
IKE (interrupting) I quit. I quit.
200 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
dick -Ike, you're being silly.
Ike turns and walks away while the audience laughter continues over the monitor. The camera moves closer to the monitor screen, where Gregory has just put his arms around Caroline's neck and, twisting her head, cracks her neck. The audience is roaring with laughter over the accompanying dialogue.
gregory (With his arms around Caroline's neck) See, look at this. I'll just do this. We-we-we-we've talked a little about this. We consider. We figure. . .
interviewer (Interrupting, on the television monitor screen) Yeah. Now, don't-don't break her neck there. Oh, good.
gregory (Twisting Caroline's head, on the television monitor screen) No, I won't . . . Well, that's fine . . .
The film fades to the fairly crowded Rizzoli bookstore, where Yale is browsing through the shelves while Ike stands nearby, gesturing and talking, more intent on the conversation than the books.
IKE (Shaking his head) Tsch. What did I do? I made a terrible mistake.
YALE (Scanning the shelves) Ike, will you stop it? This is the first smart thing you've ever done for yourself.
IKE No, I've screwed myself up completely. You know, for about thirty seconds, I was a big hero. And then-and now it's directly to unemployment.
YALE If you need to borrow any money, I'll take care of it.
IKE (Following Yale to another bookshelf) That's not the point. Money, what's money got to do . . . ? I've got enough for a year. If I-if I, uh, live like Mahatma Gandhi, I'm fine. My accountant says that I did this at a very bad time. My stocks are down. I, uh, I-I-I'm cash-poor or something. I got no cash flow. I'm not liquid or, uh, something's not flowing. I know it. But they got a language all their own, those guys.
YALE (Turning from the books to look at Ike) Well, we discussed this. I mean, it's difficult to live in this town without a big income.
IKE Yeah, plus I got two alimonies and I got child support and I got . . . you know, I gotta cut down. I'm gonna have to give up my apartment, I'm not gonna be able to do the tennis lessons, I'm not gonna, um, pick the checks up at dinner or ... you know. I won't be able to take the-the Southampton house.
YALE (Sighing) Oh.
IKE I mean, you know, oh ... plus I'll probably have to give my parents less money. You know, this is gonna kill my father. He's gonna-he's not gonna be able to get as good a seat in the synagogue, you know. (Yale sighs and straightens himself up. He turns and looks at Ike) This year he's gonna be in the back, away from God, far from the action.
YALE (Chuckling) What about Tracy? Have you said anything to her?
IKE Oh, but, uh, what is it (Shaking his head) I'm, uh, I gotta get out of that situation. She's a-she's a young girl. What am I-I'm (Sighing) ... You know, it's ridiculous. I mean, I, uh, uh ... (Sighing) Hey, and wha-wha-what happens if the year goes by and, uh, and my book doesn't come out?
YALE (Putting his hands on Ike's shoulders) Your, hey, your book is gonna come out. Your book is gonna be wonderful. I mean, the worst thing that can happen to you is that you're gonna learn something about yourself, right? Listen, listen, I'm really proud of you. I mean, this is a very good move.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
EXTERIOR. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART'S SCULPTURE GARDEN -NIGHT.
Bella Abzug, wearing a large hat, stands in the middle of a large crowd; she holds a microphone in her hand.
bella abzug (Talking into the microphone) This is a wonderful turnout . . . and the Museum of Modern Art has been very generous. And the proof of... the strength of the Equal Rights Amendment is that so many of you who would never do it before put on black tie tonight. (The crowd applauds and laughs) We love you for it. We need you and you've come through. And now, no more talk, enjoy yourselves.
She gestures expansively with her hands as the crowd, applauding, begins to break up into small groups, chattering and laughing. Background music is heard as Jerry, in a black tuxedo, drink in hand, approaches Ike. They shake hands.
jerry Ike, nice to see you.
IKE Hi, what're you doing here? So-congratulations on your book. I thought it was terrific.
jerry Ah, thanks.
IKE Absolutely terrific.
jerry Thanks. Thanks.
IKE It's nice to see you. Jerry turns to the group he'd been talking to: Helen, Dennis, Mary and Polly.
jerry Listen, good people, I'd like you to meet my friend Isaac Davis.
IKE (To Helen) Hi, how'd you do.
helen (To Ike) Hi, how're you.
MARY (Startled, to herself) Isaac Davis?
helen (Shaking Ike's hand now) Hello, Isaac.
IKE (To the entire group) Isaac Davis. Hi.
MARY (Chuckling) Isaac, hello. Hi, what-
IKE (Equally startled to see Mary) Hi. (Chuckling) Wha-what're you doing here?
MARY Well, uh, I'm here, of course, I'm here, are you kidding?
IKE (Shaking his head) What a f-f-funny coinci- (To Dennis, who is standing next to Mary, not yet introduced) Uh, excuse me-Isaac Davis.
dennis (Shaking Ike's hand) Hi.
IKE (Overlapping) Hi, how are you? (To Dennis, pointing to Mary) We met before. We met.
jerry You know her?
IKE (Looking at Jerry) We know one another.
MARY It's funny.
JERRY I-I-I'm sorry.
MARY (Laughing) No, no.
IKE (Laughing) No, no, it's all right.
jerry (Chuckling) I-I heard you, uh, you, uh, uh, quit your job.
IKE I, uh-y-yeah, a real self-destructive impulse. You know, I wanna write a book so I-so I ... (Sighing and changing the subject) Ha-has anybody read that the Nazis are gonna march in New Jersey, you know? (Helen and Polly shake their heads no) I read this in the newspaper. (Waving his fist) We should go down there, get some guys together, you know, get some bricks and baseball bats and really explain things to 'em.
jerry There was this devastating satirical piece on that on the Op-Ed page of the Times. It was devastating.
IKE W-e-e-ell, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to the point down there.
helen (Overlapping) Oh, but really biting satire is always better than physical force.
IKE But true physical force is always better with Nazis, uh ... because it's hard to satirize a guy with, uh, shiny boots on.
helen Oh, you get emotional, I know, but- dennis (Interrupting) Excuse me-
204 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Nodding) It's-it's all right.
dennis (Overlapping) -we were talking about orgasms.
MARY (Chuckling, reacting) Oh, no, please wait, no.
IKE (Overlapping) Oh, really? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-
dennis (Interrupting) Really?
MARY (Overlapping) Give me a break, Dennis.
dennis (Defensively) Well, we were.
MARY No, I'm from Philadelphia. We never talk about things like that in public.
IKE (Chuckling) Yeah, you said that the other day.
dennis I'm, uh-
IKE (Interrupting, to Mary) I didn't know what the hell it meant then, either.
dennis I'm just about to direct a film-
IKE (Interrupting) Ah-ha.
dennis -uh, of my own script and, um : the premise is: This guy screws so great-
IKE (Interrupting) Screws so great?
dennis -screws so great that when ... he brings a woman to orgasm, she's so fulfilled . . . that she dies, right? Now, this one . . . (Looking at Mary) excuse me, finds this hostile.
MARY (Shaking her head) This one? Hostile . . . God, it's worse than hostile. It's aggressive-homicidal.
dennis I beg your-
IKE (Interrupting, reacting) She dies?
MARY (To Ike, laughing nervously) You-you-you have to forgive Dennis.
dennis (Musing over everyone's reactions) He might not.
MARY He's Harvard direct to Beverly Hills.
IKE (To Dennis) Is that where you're from?
dennis (Nodding) Yeah.
MARY It's, uh--
IKE (Interrupting, incredulous) Is that where you're from? mary It's Theodor Reik with a touch of Charles Manson.
dennis (Nodding) Yeah, right.
polly (Speaking for the first time) I.. . uh, I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.
There is a slight pause while everyone digests Polly's words.
IKE (To Polly, breaking the pause) Tsch. Did you have the wrong kind? Oh, really? I've never had the wrong kind-
polly (Interrupting, shrugging) Yes?
IKE -ever, never. Uh, my worst one was right on the money.
polly (Staring at Ike) Oh, was it?
A taxi drives up the street and stops at a curb. Its back door opens and Ike and Mary get out, bending down to peer through the car door at Dennis and the others.
IKE (Waving) Good night. It was nice to meet you.
dennis' voice (Inside the taxi) Same here.
IKE (To the others still in the cab) Nice meeting you.
MARY (Waving) Bye, bye.
DENNIS' VOICE Bye.
(Mary closes the cab door and the taxi pulls away.
iÓÅ (Shouting) Bye!
dennis' voice (Inside the moving taxi, shouting) Bye, bye!
helen's voice (Inside the moving taxi, shouting) Goodbye!
Ike and Mary start walking down the street, looking in the shop windows and talking.
IKE Oh. (Sighing) It-it's an interesting group of people your friends are.
MARY Oh, I know.
IKE It's like a cast of a Fellini movie.
MARY They're such fun. They're such wonderful people and Helen is really a good friend. She's a very brilliant woman, you know.
IKE Mm-hm. Is she?
MARY She's really a genius.
MARY I met her through my ex-husband, Jeremiah.
IKE Yeah, how come you guys got divorced? I-I-I mean, that's something I never-
MARY (Interrupting) Well, I don't understand.
IKE -you know.
MARY (Overlapping) What do you mean how come we got divorced? Uh-
IKE (Interrupting) Well?
MARY -what kind of a question is that? Uh, I don't even know you at all.
IKE No, you don't have to tell me if you don't- I'm just curious, you know.
MARY (Crossing her arms) Oh, well, I-we had a lot of problems. We fought a lot and (Sighing) I was tired of submerging my identity to a very brilliant, dominating man-
IKE (Interrupting, reacting) Mm-hm. mary -'cause he's a genius.
IKE All right, he was a genius and Helen's a genius and Dennis is a genius. You know a lot of geniuses, you know. Uh, you should meet some stupid people once in a while. You know, you could learn something.
MARY Well, okay, tell me, why'd you get a divorce?
IKE Why? mary Yeah.
IKE I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman. Okay?
MARY (Reacting) Really?
IKE (Nodding his head) Mm-hm.
MARY God, that must've been really demoralizing.
IKE (Shrugging) Tsch. Well, I don't know, I thought I took it rather well under the circumstances.
MARY (Still reacting, shaking her head) Phew-wee.
IKE I tried to run 'em both over with a car.
MARY I can imagine. I mean, that's incredible sexual humiliation. It's enough to turn you off of women.
IKE (Shrugging) Well . . .
MARY And I think it accounts for the little girl.
IKE Well. . . Hey, the little girl is fine. Jesus, she's- What's with- what's with "the little girl"?
MARY Oh, sure, I understand, believe me. Sixteen years old and no possible threat at all.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE Uh-huh, she's seventeen. She's gonna be eight- You know, sometimes you have a-a losing personality, Mary.
MARY Hey, I'm honest. What do you want? I say what's on my mind. And if you can't take it-well, then, fuck off.
IKE And I like the way you express yourself too.
Mary laughs. The sounds of traffic are heard as they continue to walk through the lamp-lit streets.
IKE You know, it's pithy, yet degenerate. You get many dates? I don't think so.
MARY (Nodding her head for emphasis) Well, I do. I actually . . . Now I do. Uh, you'll never believe this, but I never thought I was very pretty. Oh, what is pretty anyway? I mean, I hate being pretty. It's all so subjective anyway.
IKE Oh, yeah?
MARY I mean, the brightest men just drop dead in front of a beautiful face. And the minute you climb into the sack, if you're the least bit giving, they're so grateful.
IKE Yeah, I know I am-
MARY (Interrupting) Hm.
IKE -you know.
MARY Do you have any kids or anything like that?
IKE Me, yeah, I got a kid who's-
MARY (Interrupting) Really?
IKE -being raised by two women at the moment.
MARY Oh, well, you know-I mean, I think that works. Uh, they made some studies I read in one of the psychoanalytic quarterlies. You don't need a male. I mean, two mothers are absolutely fine, just fine.
IKE Oh, really? Because I always feel very few people survive one mother.
MARY (Turning to look at Ike) Hm. Well, listen, I gotta get my dog. Uh, you wanna wait? I gotta walk it. Ar-are-you-you in a rush or something like that?
M A N H A T T A N
IKE (Shaking his head) Oh, no, no, sure. Wha-what kind of dog you got?
MARY (Chuckling) The worst.
MARY It's a dachshund.
IKE Oh, really.
MARY You know-I mean, it's a penis substitute for me.
They stop walking. Ike scratches his chin and raises an eyebrow, reacting.
IKE Oh, I would've thought then, in your case, a Great Dane.
MARY (Laughing) Really? Oh.
The scene shifts to a street near Mary's apartment. It's a bit later that night, and Ike and Mary are walking her dog. Waffles. An orchestration of "Someone to Watch Over Me" plays over this scene, stopping after the film moves to an all-night luncheonette where Mary, Waffles in her arms, and Ike stand by the counter; they wait for some just-grilled hamburgers to be put into takeout containers by the man behind the counter. Mary is laughing happily.
IKE So, are you serious with Yale or what?
IKE (Nodding his head) Mm-hm.
MARY (Shrugging) Mm, yeah. You know, I mean, he's married. (Chuckling) Tsch, oh ...
IKE (Shrugging) Mm, yeah, so what?
MARY I don't know. I guess I- (Sighing) I guess I should straighten my life out, huh? Well, I mean, Donny, my analyst, is always telling me-
IKE (Interrupting) You call your analyst Donny?
MARY (Laughing) Yeah, I call him Donny.
IKE (Overlapping, incredulous) You call him Donny, your analyst?
IKE I call mine Dr. Chomsky . . . you know.
MARY Oh, well.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Raising and lowering his hand in demonstration) Yeah, or-uh, he hits me with the ruler. (Mary laughs) Donny? That's a first name?
MARY (Ignoring Ike's remarks) Anyway, Donny tells me that I get involved in these situations and that it's deliberate, you know. I mean, es-es-especially with my ex-husband, Jeremiah. You know, I mean, I-I was his student and, um-
IKE (Interrupting) Really? You married your-your-your teacher?
MARY Yeah, yeah, of course, I mean . . .
IKE (Overlapping) That's very . . . very, uh-
MARY (Interrupting) All right, listen to that, he failed me and I fell in love with him. It's so perfect, right?
IKE (Nodding) Well, that's perfect, yeah, that's-yeah, that is, yeah.
MARY I know, I mean, I was sleeping with him and he had the nerve to give me an F. So.
MARY Yeah, really.
IKE No kidding? Not even an Incomplete, right? Just a straight F?
MARY (Laughing) You know, you've got a good sense of humor. You actually do.
IKE (Gesturing) Hey, hey, thanks, thanks. I don't need you to tell me that, you know.
IKE I've been-yeah, no, I've been making good money off it for years-
MARY (Interrupting) Oh.
IKE -till I quit my job to write this book. And now I'm very ... very nervous about it, you know.
MARY (Nodding) Uh-huh. Oh.
IKE But, you know, I'm-
The waiter puts the takeout bag in front of them, interrupting Ike's speech. Ike reaches into his pocket and takes out some money.
MARY Listen, do you wanna-? (Stopping her speech as she sees Ike take out his money) Oh, you don't have to pay for it, really.
IKE Oh, that's okay.
MARY (Gesturing and chuckling) No, no, I'm serious. You wanna walk by the river? We can-
IKE (Interrupting) You know what time it is now?
MARY What do you mean what time is it?
IKE Well, if I don't get at least sixteen hours, I'm a basket case.
MARY (Sighing) Oh. Well, I'd like to hear about your book. I-I-and I'm- I really would, you know. I'm-I'm quite a good editor.
MARY (Nodding her head) Uh-huh.
Ike picks up the takeout bag. The sounds of "Someone to Watch Over Me" begins again as Mary and Ike walk out of the luncheonette, deep in discussion. Their voices are heard as they leave; the camera stays focused on the almost empty coffee shop.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Offscreen, walking out of the luncheonette) Well, my book is about decaying values. It's about . . . See, the thing is, years ago, 1 wrote a short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist." And, um, I wanna expand it into a novel.
MARY (Offscreen) That's good.
IKE (Offscreen) You know, I could talk about my book all night. "Someone to Watch Over Me" is still playing as the film switches to the 59th Street Bridge. It is almost dawn and the scene has a nearly perfect feel of light and beauty to it. Mary and Ike, their backs to the camera, are sitting on a bench looking out over the water. Waffles is curled up at their feet.
MARY (Contentedly) Isn't it beautiful, Ike?
IKE Yeah, it's really-really so pretty when the light starts to come up.
MARY Oh, I know. I love it.
IKE (Sighing) -this is really a great city. I don't care what anybody says. It's just so-really a knockout, you know? It's-
MARY (Interrupting, sighing) Yeah. I think I better head back. I have an appointment with Yale for lunch later on.
IKE (Sighing too) Hm.
They get up from the bench and wall; away. The music stops.
INTERIOR. VALE'S BEDROOM-MORNING.
Yale, lying in bed, rests on his elbow as he picks up his ringing phone. As he talks he grabs his wristwatch from a nearby night table. He checks the time, then puts the watch back on the table.
YALE (Into the telephone) Mm, hi ... (Coughing) No, no, no, I'm awake . . . Jesus, what're you-what-'re you doing? It's seven-fifteen . . . Oh, veah . . . Really? You did-at the museum? . . . Yeah, well, she's- uh, very active in the feminist movement. (Emily walks into the bedroom. She moves around the bed, picking up a newspaper) Uh, so-so you're gonna go a-apartment hunting with Tracy? . . . Yeah, well. you know, you should be able to find something. (To Emily) It's
M A N H A T T A N
Isaac. (Into the telephone) Yeah, I don't think you'll have any trouble. (He looks up at Emily as she leaves the room) Yeah, well, I knew you'd-I knew you'd (Sighing) see she's a terrific woman if you spent some time with her, you know.
The film cuts to Ike on his end of the phone. He is in a crowded phone-booth area.
IKE (Into the telephone) And-and you still-you still feel the same way about her? You still feel as hung up on her? 'Cause I know you hadn't mentioned it in a while ... So you . . . Yeah . . . Mm-hm, tsch . . . Yeah. (He holds the telephone receiver away from his ear and, reacting, grimaces; he shakes his head knowingly, then puts the receiver back to his ear and nods affirmatively) Mm-hm . . . Right. . . No, I know. She's great, I know, great. . . So, uh . . . No, I gotta go apartment hunting today 'cause I have to get something cheaper. I can't keep living-(Sighing) you know, yeah, where I do, it's just . . . tsch.
The film cuts to Bloomingdale's main floor. It is crowded; people pass by, going up and down the escalators. There are bells ringing over the chatter of the crowds. The camera moves to a cosmetic counter where Mary, standing and talking to Yale, is in the midst of purchasing some makeup.
YALE Isaac's terrific, isn't he?
MARY (Checking her wallet for her credit card) Mm, yeah.
YALE He said he had a great time with you.
maky Did he really?
MARY (Handing her card to the saleslady behind the counter) That's good. That's funny 'cause I always think that he's uncomfortable around me.
YALE Oh, come on. (Chuckling, lowering his voice) I missed you so much.
MARY Oh, Yale. yale It's terrible.
MARY This is-it's just ridiculous. It's-you're married. I can't . . . Listen to me, I'm beginning to sound like I'm one of those women. I-it sounds terrible. I hate it.
YALE Look, why don't I just move out?
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
MARY No! Oh, no, I don't-I don't want you to do that. I'm-I don't want to break up a marriage yet. Besides, I'm really-I'm not looking for any big involvement here. It's just ... I don't-(Sighing) It's crazy. It's crazy! I think about you when you're not around.
YALE (Smiling) Well, wha-what do you want me to do?
MARY Nothing. I don't know. I really don't know. I just-I guess I should be seeing someone who's not married.
YALE (Starting to kiss Mary) God, you are so beautiful.
MARY (Reacting and pulling away) Oh, Yale, stop it.
YALE You make me crazy.
MARY Please stop it. We're in the middle of Bloomingdale's. (Yale laughs) And someone's gonna see us. Oh, did I tell you? I think I may have an interview with Borges. I-I-I told you that we met before when he was here. And he seems to feel very comfortable around me.
YALE Let's go somewhere and make love.
MARY (Laughing) What do you mean? Not now.
Yale continues to laugh as the saleslady behind the counter hands a sales slip and the credit card to Mary.
MARY (Signing the slip) Not now. Jesus! You've got-anyway, you've got a-a writing class in an hour. Your students are gonna know. You're gonna have this-this big grin on your face. Mary hands the slip back to the saleslady.
YALE And I don't wanna go to your house 'cause I can't stand the dog-
MARY (Sighing and motioning to Yale to be quiet) Oh. Shush. Well, can't you . . . ?
YALE -and the telephone ringing all the time. The saleslady hands Mary her package.
MARY (To the saleslady) Thank you. (Yale puts his arm around Mary; they begin walking through the crowded, noisy store.) Can't you just hold me? Does vour love for me always have to express itself sexually? What about other values, like warmth and spiritual contact? A hotel, right? Jesus, I'm a (Laughing) pushover anyway.
M A N H A T T A N
Their voices fade as the sounds of the department-store bells and chatter fill the screen.
INTERIOR. JILL'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Connie, Jill's companion, opens the front door.
connie Oh, hi, Isaac.
IKE Hi, is Willie ready?
CONNIE Yeah, come on in.
Ike, casually dressed in T-shirt and slacks, follows Connie into a large living room.
JILL (Offscreen) He'll be right down.
CONNIE How you been, Ike?
IKE Good. How you been?
CONNIE I've been terrific.
CONNIE Yeah, I've been getting a lot of work done. Things are going really well.
Jill is standing near a dining-room table, yet to be cleared from a recent meal, and framed by a large quilt hanging on the wall. She looks up.
JILL You want some coffee or something?
IKE Uh, no.
Connie walks out of the room; Jill begins stacking and clearing the dishes off the table.
IKE So how's Willie doing?
JILL Willie's fine. He's beginning to show some real talent in drawing.
Connie comes over to the table and begins to help Jill.
IKE Yeah, where-where does he get that? 'Cause you don't draw and I don't draw.
CONNIE (Looking up from the dish-clearing at Ike) I draw.
IKE (Reacting) Yup, but there's no way that you could be the actual father.
2l6 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
JILL (Ignoring Ike's remarks) I'm hoping that you'll take Willie the weekend of the sixteenth 'cause Connie and I are thinking of going to Barbados.
IKE Okay, let me ask you something. Are you still gonna write that stupid book? I mean, are you serious about that?
JILL I'm very serious about it. It's an honest book and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
CONNIE Excuse me.
She begins to walk offscreen, up the stairs. Jill and Ike continue to talk, their voices rising.
IKE Can-can I talk to you for a minute? (To Connie, who is halfway up the stairs) Will you excuse me for a minute? (To Jill) Let me ask you something. Here's what I still don't understand.
JILL I'm late.
She starts fussing nervously, walking in and out of the kitchen, stacking dishes, clearing the table, tossing her hair. Ike follows her, gesturing excitedly.
IKE Wh-what the-what're you-where're you running? All the times I come over here, I can't understand how you can prefer her to me. I mean-
JILL (Stopping her activity for a moment) You can't understand that?
IKE No, no, it's a mystery to me.
JILL Well, you knew my history when you married me.
IKE Yeah, I know, my analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful that I-that I got another analyst.
JILL Tsch. (Sighing and shaking her head) Do you think we can be ever just friends?
IKE You're gonna put all the details in the book, right? You're gonna put 'em-
JILL (Interrupting) No, I'm not gonna dwell on the part where you tried to run her over with a car.
IKE Wha-I tried to run-I tried to run her over with a car? What're you talking about?
JILL That's what I said.
IKE It was late at night. I ... you know I don't drive well. It was raining. It was-it was dark.
JILL What were you doing lurking around outside the cabin anyway?
IKE I was spying on you guys 'cause I knew what was happening in there.
IKE You were-you were falling in love.
Jill walks over to a closet and takes out three brass candlesticks. She brings them to the table and places them at its center. She sits down, flinging back her hair, and looks up at Ike, who has continued to follow her around the room.
JILL (Sighing) So you felt that you (Sighing) had to run her over with a car?
IKE (Gesturing) Do I look like the type of person that would run someone over in a car?
Jill continues to sigh; she looks down.
IKE You know how slowly I was going?
JILL Not slowly enough that you didn't rip the whole front porch of the cabin off.
2l8 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Pointing over his shoulder) Get the kid. I can't . . . Get the kid 'cause I can't have this argument with you every time I come over. Upbeat music begins playing, a transition from Jill's dining area to the front door opening, Ike and his son, Willie, stepping animatedly outside. Willie is holding a basketball, they run along the sidewalk taking turns dribbling the ball.
The music continues as they stand in front of the F.A.O. Schwarz window, the camera is inside, facing out at the display and the two of them on the sidewalk. Two toy sailboats, one rather large, one much smaller, are prominently displayed. Willie keeps pointing to the large boat, mouthing that he wants it. Ike continues to point to the small one, mouthing, "No. That one." They continue to point to their choices, both stubbornly refusing to back down, until Ike finally hits Willie play fully on the head. It does no good. Willie still points to the large boat. Resigned, Ike takes some money out of his pocket, and after one last look at the boats in the window, follows Willie into the store. The music continues over the entire scene. The movie shifts to the Russian Tea Room, where Willie and Ike are standing in line, waiting to be seated. Two tall beautiful models stand in front of them, chatting. A headwaiter comes over to Ike and hands him a jacket to wear over his T-shirt.
IKE (To Willie, pointing to the jacket) The stupidest thing, you know.
willie You look funny in that jacket.
The upbeat music finally stops, the sounds of the busy restaurant taking its place.
IKE (Putting his hands on Willie's shoulders) I know, I know. I had hoped for something in gabardine, but . . . It's crazy, isn't it? So, do you miss me?
willie Yeah, do you miss me?
IKE Of course I miss you. I love you. That's why I-you know, that's why I come and get you all the time.
The headwaiter hangs up a nearby telephone; he walks over to the two models and, carrying two menus, motions them to follow him.
model (To the headwaiter) Oh, all right.
willie (Overlapping the model's words) Why can't we have frankfurters?
IKE Because this is a Russian tea room. I mean, you wanna have, you know, you wanna have a blintz or something. A frankfurter gives
you cancer, anyhow. And besides, did you see those two women here? (He points to the two models, who are walking away behind the headwaiter, offscreen) They have very beautiful women that eat here. You know, we could-we could do very well. I think we could've picked up these two if you were a little quicker. I'm serious. I think the brunette liked you.
Ike and Willie both stare offscreen.
INTERIOR. MARY'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Mary, distraught and nervous, is standing in the middle of her disarrayed living room. Books and papers are everywhere. Waffles is barking in the background. Mary lights a cigarette and finally sits down in an easy chair. She picks up the phone and begins to dial.
MARY (Sighing and talking to herself) Oh, boy. I'll call him. (Into the telephone) Hello, Yale? . . . Um, I'm sorry for calling . . . Well, no, no, nothing-nothing's wrong. I've . . . Well, I don't know. I just thought that it's, you know, it's Sunday out and I-(Sighing) and I thought maybe if you could, uh, get away, we could go for a walk or ... Mm, mm-hm, mm-hm . . . (Inhaling her cigarette smoke) Oh, that's right, yeah, you mentioned that... (Sighing) Well, okay, it was just a shot . . . Yeah . . . Tsch . . . Yeah . . . Well, I won't keep you . . . Okay. (Ending abruptly) Bye, bye.
She gets up from the chair and puts down the receiver. She stares into space, still smoking.
INTERIOR/EXTERIOR. IKE'S APARTMENT/TERRACE-DAY.
Through his interior Levolor blinds, the slats opened, Ike is seen sitting in a chair in his garden terrace. Surrounding plants are framing the blinds in the window. The phone rings and Ike picks it up, the Sunday paper on his lap.
IKE (Into the telephone) Hello? . . . Oh, hi. Hi, how you doing? . . . No, no, not at all. I was-I was just sitting around looking through the, uh, the magazine section . . . Uh, no, no, no ... (Chuckling) No, no, I-I-I was, uh, I didn't read the, uh, the piece on China's faceless masses. I was-I was checking out the lingerie ads ... Yeah, I can never get past them. They're really erotic.
The film cuts back to Mary's apartment, where she stands, leaning in her patio doorway, with the telephone receiver resting on her shoulder.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
MARY (Into the telephone) You wanna go for a walk? Well, eh, I don't know. I mean, I've gotta get out. I'm going stir- (Chuckling) crazy here and Yale's with Emily's parents. Eh-it's such a beautiful Sunday.
The sound of thunder is heard as the movie cuts to Central Park, where Ike and Mary run down a path, trying to get out of the rain. The sky is dark and ominous in contrast to the bright sun a few hours before. Ike and Mary shout to teach other over the thunder and lightning.
IKE Come on, it's an electrical storm. You wanna wind up in an ashtray?
MARY It was such a beautiful day out.
IKE Yeah, wonderful. (Reacting to some close thunder) Jesus, I think I heard the Chrysler Building blow up.
MARY Oh, no! Thunder scares me.
IKE (Reacting to the worsening storm) Oh, come on.
The rain is coming down in torrents, soaking their hair and light clothing. Mary hands Ike a piece of newspaper she's been holding.
IKE (Responding to Mary's previous comment) Yeah, it's not my favorite sound either.
MARY Oh, God. Do you know that every year, one or two people get killed during an electrical storm in Central Park?
IKE Yeah, yeah, why don't I run up ahead and we'll talk later in the week.
Ike and Mary continue to run through the rain, the papers over their heads providing poor shelter from the storm. They manage to race up the steps of the Hayden Planetarium; they rush into its entrance. They stand inside near the door, laughing and making futile attempts to dry off. People browse at the planetarium exhibit in the background as Ike and Mary talk.
IKE Jesus Christ, I'm soaking wet. This is awful.
MARY (Laughing) You look ridiculous, you know that?
IKE Oh. Next time you want someone to go for a walk with you on a Sunday, get somebody else.
MARY (Chuckling) Hey, you know, I've never seen anybody react so strongly to a little bit of rain, a little bit of water like that.
Mary walks over to a garbage can and throws away their soaking wet newspapers.
IKE (Following her) It was not the water. It was the electricity. I don't want to get hit by lightning. I-I'll turn into one of those guys that sells comic books outside of Bloomingdale's.
They walk farther into the planetarium, becoming silhouetted in the darkness by a huge illuminated photograph of a nebula.
MARY (Sighing) What do you think? You think I look terrible? What do you think?
IKE Let's see.
MARY How-how do I look?
IKE (Trying to see her in the dark) I can't see.
MARY (Laughing) You should see your face.
IKE You look kind of nice, actually. You're sort of pretty.
They walk farther into the planetarium's interior, passing through a moon exhibit. It is dark, the only illumination coming from an enormous moonscape, realistically portrayed with its craters and rock sculptures, as Mary
222 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
and Ike are first only heard, then finally seen as they walk deeper into the exhibit, still silhouetted by the dark and the moonscape's spot lighting.
mary (Offscreen) You know, I'm really annoyed with Yale.
IKE (Offscreen) Why?
MARY (Walking in front of the moonscape exhibit) He was supposed to see me today, and then he couldn't. We had tickets to this Vivaldi concert last night. He had to cancel on me, of course.
IKE (Walking in front of the moonscape exhibit) Well, you know, that's what happens when you're-
MARY (Interrupting) I know, when you're having an affair with a married man. What a terrible way to put it.
IKE Hey, I didn't put it that way.
MARY My husband was-no, my ex-husband was having an affair while we were married. And I never-
IKE (Stopping and looking at Mary) Oh, really?
MARY Yeah, he was, at least one that I know of. But I never mentioned anything because (Sighing) I felt that I was deficient in some way, that I was bad in bed, or I wasn't bright enough, or that I was (Sighing) physically unattractive. But I'll tell you something. In the end, he was just a louse.
IKE (Moving away from the moonscape) Yeah, I know, an intellectual louse.
MARY (Following Ike) Oh, God, was he brilliant. I was so crazy about him. He really opened me up sexually. He taught me everything. Women found him devastating.
They stop and look at each other and the film cuts to a large photograph of Saturn, complete with ring. Ike and Mary, still in shadow, walk in front of it, still talking; they stand in front of the photograph, dramatically lit by its glow as they continue "their conversation.
MARY Oh, look, there's Saturn. Saturn is the sixth planet from the sun. How many of the satellites of Saturn can you name? T-there's Mimas-uh, Titan, Dione, Hyperion, of course, uh . . .
IKE Nah, I can't name any of them and-and, fortunately, they never come up in conversation.
MARY (Sighing) Facts. Yeah, I've got a million facts on my fingertips.
IKE That's right. And they don't mean a thing, right? Because nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind . .. you know. E-e-e-everything really valuable has to enter you through a different opening ... if you'll forgive the disgusting imagery.
MARY I really don't agree at all. I mean, where would we be without rational thought? Come on.
IKE No, no, you-you-you-you, you-you rely too much on your brain. It's a ... the-the-the brains is the most overrated organ, I think. The film goes black as Ike and Mary leave Saturn and walk through one of the exhibit corridors. Their voices are heard in the dark; their forms take a dim shape in the gloom as they pass in and out of some spotlighted areas.
MARY (Offscreen) I know, you-you probably think I'm too cerebral.
IKE (Offscreen) Well, you are, (Sighing) you know, kind of on the brainy side. (Chuckling) Oh, what's the difference what I think about you? God knows what you must think about me. Ike's form is dimly seen in the gloom.
MARY (Talking in the dim shadows, her form seen on the screen) No, I think you're fine. Are you kidding? Once again, Mary and Ike walk offscreen as they pass through the exhibit.
MARY (Offscreen) I mean, you do have a-a tendency to get a little hostile, but I find that attractive.
IKE (Offscreen) Oh, yeah? (Sighing) Well, I'm glad you do.
They stand now in close profile, backlit by hundreds of stars, a replica of space.
MARY So you think I have no feelings, is that it?
IKE Oh, well-you-I.. . You're so sensitive. Jesus, I never said that. (Mary sighs) That doesn't... I think you're terrific. Really, I think, you know, I-I just . . .
MARY Yeah, well . . .
IKE (Overlapping) You're very insecure. I think-I really think you're wonderful, really.
MARY (Sighing) Tsch. Well, what do you think? It's probably stopped raining. Um . . . you wanna grab a bite or something like that?
224 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Sighing) I gotta see somebody this evening.
MARY (Looking down) Mm.
IKE (Overlapping) I don't know if it's such a great idea.
MARY Right. Well ... so what about sometime next week? I might give you a call or- Do you have any free time?
IKE (Sighing) Uh :I'm-I'm not gonna have- I don't think I'm gonna have any free time, you know, 'cause ...
IKE I don't think it's such a great idea for me. I'm, you know, I'm working on this book.
IKE (Overlapping) And it's-and it's, uh, you know, it takes a lot of my energy up.
MARY (Nodding) Okay. Okay.
The screen abruptly leaves the dark stars of the planetarium and cuts to an off-ramp of the George Washington Bridge. Yale and Emily are driving down the Henry Hudson Parkway, the back of Yale's convertible to the camera.
yale (Laughing) Well, your parents were in a good mood. I almost had a good time.
EMILY (Laughing) Who was that you called after dinner?
YALE Oh, uh, uh, Da-David Cohen. He wants me to review the new book on Virginia Woolf. He's written another one. Can you believe it?
EMILY Are you okay?
YALE Yeah, I'm fine. What do you mean?
EMILY Well, you seem sort of nervous.
YALE Nah, I'm not. I feel good. I was gonna . . . ask you-
EMILY (Interrupting) No, I'm okay.
YALE -how you felt. You seemed a little strange at dinner.
EMILY Well, I just . . . More thoughts about kids.
YALE Oh, come on. Listen, I told Cohen I'd stop by and pick up the book. Is that okay with you?
INTERIOR. JOHN'S PIZZERIA-DUSK.
Ike and Tracy are seated across from each other in the popular and noisy Greenwich Village eatery.
TRACY (Looking around) Hey, it's not too crowded.
IKE No, not bad for Sunday. I thought it would be jammed.
TRACY So did I.
IKE Gee, I'm glad you could get out tonight, you know, 'cause-uh, I really did want to see you a lot.
TRACY (Smiling) You know, I like it when you get an uncontrollable urge.
IKE Yeah, I know, it's my best feature . . . (Sighing) my boyish impetuosity. My- You look adorable. Tracy smiles quickly.
TRACY So I have a chance to go to London and study with-with the Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts.
IKE Really? When did this happen?
TRACY Mm, the other day. I got a letter in the mail.
IKE (Reacting) Well, that's great. You have a- That's terrific.
TRACY Well, I don't wanna go without you.
IKE Hey ... I can't go to London and study. I mean, you know, it's crazy, especially Shakespeare. You know, I-I don't look good in leotards or anything like that.
TRACY I'm serious.
IKE Of course you should go. I mean, it's great. You'll have a great time in London. It's a great town and you're a wonderful actress. And it's a terrific place to study. You know, it's-uh, uh, you know, you'll be the toast of the town. You'll have a good time. Really, you shouldn't-you shouldn't pass that. So ...
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
TRACY So what happens to us?
IKE Well, you know, we'll always have Paris. (Sighing) I'm kidding ...You- What kind of question is that? You know you can't think of that now.
TRACY You won't take me seriously, just because I'm seventeen.
IKE Yeah, exactly, because you're seventeen. I mean, look at it, I mean, it's ridiculous. When you're seventeen now . . . when you're thirty-six, I'll be ... um ...
Ike pauses, trying to figure out the mathematics.
TRACY (Smiling) Sixty-three.
IKE (Nodding his head) Sixty-three, right. Thank you. You know, it's absurd. You'll be at the height of your sexual powers. Of course, I will, too, probably, but, mm, you know, I'm a late starter. He shakes his head from side to side as a waiter comes over to the table with two pizza pies.
waiter Who ordered a plain pie?
IKE Uh, me.
Tracy sighs as the waiter puts the plain pie in front of Ike.
waiter (To Tracy) So you must be anchovies, sausage, mushrooms, garlic and green peppers.
TRACY (Nodding) Mm-hm.
The waiter puts down Tracy's pie and walks off.
IKE (Looking at Tracy's pizza) You forgot the coconut. So what do you wanna do tonight? Anything. We'll go to the movies, we'll . . . I'll take you dancing if you want. Whatever it is, it's your night.
TRACY Anything, huh?
IKE Absolutely anything.
TRACY Okay, I know what we can do.
IKE Get that filthy look off your face.
TRACY Shut up. (Laughing and smiling) It's not filthy.
EXTERIOR. CENTRAL PARK-NIGHT.
A horse-drawn carriage ambles down a tree-lined park path. Ike's and Tracy 'j voices are heard over some romantic background music and the sounds of the horse's hooves against the cobblestones.
ike's voice-over This is so corny. I-you know, I can't believe this. Is this what you wanted to do? Is-is this your one wish?
TRACY's voice-over (Chuckling) I don't think it's corny. I think it's fun, I really do.
ike's voice-over Well, it is fun. But, I mean, I did this when I was a kid, you know, uh . . .
TRACY's voice-over Yeah, well, I've never done it. I think it's great.
ike's voice-over Hm. (Tracy laughs happily) Geez, on my prom night, I went around this park five times, six times. (Tracy laughs again) If I had-if I had been with a girl, this would've been a-an incredible experience.
Tracy continues to laugh as the camera moves closer to the carriage where the couple is sitting, their arms around each other, in the back seat. They kiss.
TRACY (Breaking away from the kiss) Quit fighting it. You know you're crazy about me.
IKE (Gesturing and pointing to the sky) I am. You-you-you're . . . look, you're-you're God's answer to Job . . . you know. You would've ended all-all argument between them. I mean, H-H-He would've pointed to you and said, you know, "I do a lot of terrible things, but I can also make one of these," you know. (Ike points to Tracy; she chuckles, then buries her head in his shoulder. He kisses her hand) And then -then, Job would've said, "Eh, okay-well, you win." The camera pulls back and once again the horse-drawn carriage in its idyllic setting is seen on the screen. The romantic music continues to play as the film cuts to:
INTERIOR. MARY'S APARTMENT-NIGHT.
The music suddenly stops. Mary is walking rapidly through her apartment. She goes back and forth from her kitchen to her living room, carrying first a bottle of wine, then a plate of cheese. Yale is behind her, following her as she walks to and fro. They are in the midst of a heated conversation.
228 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
MARY (Rapidly and nervously) Now, look, this is crazy. I mean, I just can't do this anymore. It's really bullshit! You know what I mean? You're married! You're married! And I expected to see you this weekend and I sit around. I got nothing to do. So-so I called Isaac. We went for a walk. Welt, it was just lucky he was free.
YALE I know, I know. I'm sorry.
MARY Oh, it's-it's not your fault. What the hell. It's a no-win situation. I... It's just-I'm beautiful and I'm bright and I deserve better!
YALE Oh, I know. Wh-what if I took some-some action?
MARY No! I'm not, oh, I'm not a home wrecker! (The telephone rings just as Waffles starts to bark. Mary walks to the ringing phone) Fuck it! I still -I just don't know how I got into this situation. I guess we met at the wrong time or something like that! It happens. (Into the telephone, fingering her face) Hello? . . . Oh, hi. Oh, hi, Harvey, how are you? . . . Uh, what? . . . Well, um, why don't you-why don't you bring it by on Thursday and I'll-I'll read it then, okay? . . . Yeah, yeah, yes, okay ... Right. I'll talk to you later ... Oh, okay. Bye, bye. (Mary hangs up the telephone and sighs; the dog continues to bark) God.
YALE (Overlapping) Look, what do you want me to do?
MARY (To Waffles, who is barking down around her legs) Waffles! (To Yale, looking up from the floor) Nothing! I mean, it's just... it's just we're going- (Interrupting herself, to Waffles) Waffles, will you please stop that now? (To Yale)-we're just going no place. Just excuse me. Distraught, Mary picks up the wine bottle and opens it while Yale continues to talk over the barking dog.
YALE Look, I know it's terrible. I mean, I'm sitting up at Sneden's Landing with Emily and her parents, and I love her! And I-I-I'm sitting around thinking about you all the time. And I wanted to call you.
MARY (Turning to Yale, overlapping) Yeah, well, I-I don't want . . . (The telephone rings again; the dog continues to yelp in the background) Oh, Christ! I mean, I don't wanna hear about that! I'm from Philadelphia. (Gesturing as she walks to the ringing telephone) My-my family's never had affairs. My parents have been married forty-three years. Nobody cheats at all! (Picking up the telephone receiver) Hello? . .. Oh, uh, Donny, hi. (Looking at Yale for a moment, her band over the receiver) It's my analyst. (Into the telephone again) Hello. (Sighing, touching her
face) Uh, um, no, uh ... Well, I-no, I think that'd be impossible ... Uh, okay-Well, why ... Probably later in the week ... Okay ... All right. . . All right, I'll get back to you. (Chuckling) Oh, okay ... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the telephone, then covers her eyes with her hands. The dog still barks. She says to herself, sighing) Relax. (To Waffles) Waffles, please. (To Yale, exasperated, reacting to his attempted touch) Don't, please. Please just don't.
YALE (Still trying to touch her, comforting) Mary.
MARY This is really a bad time-(To Waffles, interrupting herself) Waffles . . . (She bends down and picks up Waffles; he has not stopped barking)-a bad time for me. Just... I've gotta think things through here. She rushes through her disarrayed living room, the dog in her arms.
YALE (Calling after her) Well, obviously I shouldn't have come here, right?
MARY (Offscreen) Well, no, probably not.
The dog continues to bark as the camera stays on Yale's intense face, looking offscreen at Mary through the doorway.
INTERIOR. IKE'S NEW APARTMENT-DAY.
As upbeat jazz music is played, Ike is seen through the doorway of his new, cheaper apartment. He is standing in a living room filled with unpacked cartons, looking around the room as he supervises three huge, burly, T-shirted movers, as first one comes through the doorway carrying a chair, then the second and third, who plunk huge cartons down on the floor at Ike's feet. Finished, they walk toward Ike at the doorway; one of the men wipes the back of bis neck with a cloth while another mover hands Ike a slip of paper. They all look somber, almost menacing; they tower over Ike, standing almost on top of him. Ike quickly signs the paper and hands it back. The music stops and the film moves to Ike's new bedroom, a small room with barely enough space for the bed-which is almost flush against the white Venetian-blind-covered window; a solitary candle rests on the window sill. Ike and Tracy are lying in bed, under a sheet; strange clanging noises are heard over the scene.
IKE (Sighing, reacting to the noise) Listen to that. What am I- How am I gonna get- What is it? What's that sound? Can you hear that? (He reaches over and picks up bis glasses lying on the night table. He puts
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALL EN
them on, then sits up, resting on his elbow) Just-just listen. Where's it coming from? It's like-it's like, uh, it's like somebody's playing the trumpet. Like a guy who's . . . (Moving his hand as if sawing something) where-where somebody's sawing, um, like a man sawing a trumpet in half. Right? Right? Well, it's like-
TRACY (Interrupting, resting on her elbows and looking at Ike) Let's fool around.
IKE (Pointing to the ceiling) Do you hear that sound? Do you? tracy Let's fool around. It'll take your mind off it.
IKE H-hey. How many times a night can you . . . How-how often c-can you make love in an evening? (Distracted by noise) What is that?
TRACY (Overlapping) A lot.
IKE Yeah, I can tell. A lot. That's . . . Well, a lot is (Chuckling) my favorite number. (Chuckling) Gee, really, can you?
TRACY Yeah, well, let's do it in some strange way that you've always wanted to do, but nobody would do with you.
IKE (Hitting his chest, then touching Tracy on her chin) I'm shocked. What kind of talk is that from a kid your age? (Tracy mumbles under her breath while Ike continues to talk) I'll get-I'll get my scuba diving equipment and we'll-I'll really show you an in-
TRACY (Interrupting) Take me seriously.
IKE I do take you seriously, but, you know-(Reacting to a strange, rumbling sound) Listen to this. Can you hear this? Am I crazy? (Tracy sighs. Ike slaps his forehad) What . . . ? (Gasping) I- That's a rumbling. Listen to that goddamn . . . Where the hell is that coming from? He gets out of bed and walks out of the room.
TRACY (Talking a bit louder so Ike can bear her) It's probably just the elevator shaft. Ike's shadow is seen as he walks in and out of the room, pacing.
IKE It's not the elevator shaft! It's coming from the walls someplace. It's a strange . . . Let's-let's . . . Could we check into a hotel? I don't wanna sleep here-
TRACY (Interrupting) You're crazy.
IKE -tonight. I can't sleep here.
He walks out of the room again; Tracy sighs, resigned.
IKE (Still pacing, walking in and out of the room) I can't. Where's the aspirin? I mean, wha-wha-what'd you do with the aspirin?
TRACY (Ignoring his whining) I could help you fix this place up if you'd give me a chance.
IKE (Loudly, talking from the bathroom offscreen) I don't wanna fix it up. And I don't want you living here. Tonight is a special occasion. It's -it's my first night in the apartment, so, you know, I-I ... it was okay. I wanna break in the place and I was afraid to sleep alone tonight. (Muttering to himself as he turns on the bathroom faucet) Hey, what is this? (Loudly, to Tracy) There's brown water.
TRACY (Loudly, to Ike offscreen) The pipes are rusty.
IKE (Overlapping) There's brown water coming out of the tap. What is this, Tracy?
TRACY (Loudly, exasperated) Eh, the pipes are rusty.
IKE (Still talking loudly )Tracy, look at this. (His shadow is seen as he walks into the room, to the foot of the bed) It's brown water. I'm paying seven hundred dollars a month. I've got-I've got rats with bongos, and a-and a frog, and I got brown water here. Look at this. He sits down on the bed. He holds up a glass of brown water.
TRACY (Ignoring Ike's glass of water) What's gonna happen to us?
IKE (Ignoring Tracy's remark) This is disgusting. I like colorless liquid.
TRACY Listen. You keep ignoring me. What's gonna happen with us? Ike puts down the glass of brown water and turns his body to Tracy.
IKE (Pointing to his chest) Tsch. What do you mean, what's gonna happen with us? What . . . uh, do you have a good time with me? Are-aren't I a load of laughs and fun?
IKE (Overlapping) Can't you tell from this evening? So-and that's it, and then, you know, and we have, we have fun. And then, you're gonna go to London exactly as we discussed it. You're gonna take advantage of that opportunity (Sighing) and study acting over there, you know. And-and you'll think of me always as a fond memory. (Pointing to his head) Now be nice.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
EXTERIOR. STANHOPE CAFE-DAY.
Mary and Yale sit across from each other at a white-clothed table in the crowded outdoor cafe; they talk over the sounds of the nearby city traffic.
yale You know we have to stop seeing each other, don't you?
MARY (Sighing) Oh, yeah, right. . . right. I understand. I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative, you know . . . like the Pope or the computer in Two Thousand and One.
YALE Look, it's not fair to you and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
MARY (Overlapping) Right. Right.
YALE I mean, come on, don't be angry. I mean, you-you-you brought this up to begin with. You're not happy the way things have been going.
MARY (Shaking her head) I'm not angry. I'm just-it's just that I knew it was going to end this way. But now that it's happened, I'm upset, okay?
YALE (Pounding on the table for emphasis) Oh, look, y-y-y-you don't wanna make a commitment. And I don't wanna break up my marriage and then find out that-that we're no good together. I-I've-I've gotta start thinking about Emily.
MARY Okay, you made your point. It's very clear. I'm-I'm just glad that one of us, uh, had the nerve to end it.
YALE Will you be all right?
MARY (Crying for a brief moment) Yeah. (Sighing, holding herself tightly with her arms) Of course I'm gonna be all right. What do you think I'm gonna do, hang myself? I'm a beautiful woman, I'm-I'm young, I'm highly intelligent, I got everything going for me. The point ... the point is-is that, uh, I don't know. I'm all fucked-up. I'm just . . . shit. The point is: What the hell am I doing in this relationship anyway? (Gesturing now, reacting to Yale's news) M-my phone never stops ringing. I could go to bed with the entire faculty of M.I.T. if I wanted to. It's just ... I don't know, I'm wasting myself on a married man. So I don't . . . (Sighing) Listen, I think I'd better go now. I think it's . . . I-I just want you to have this. I had ... I got these tickets to see Rampal tonight. (Handing them to Yale) Here-
YALE (Overlapping, shaking his head no) Oh, Mary.
MARY (Overlapping) -you take them. (Reacting to Yale's protestations) What?
YALE Listen, this is very hard on me too, you know.
MARY No, please, why don't you just take them and go with your wife?
YALE Mary, come on, you love Rampal. I mean, call somebody up. Take Isaac.
MARY (Staring at Yale and sighing) Ya- Fuck off, Yale!
Mary tears up the tickets and the film cuts to Ike's apartment. Through a doorway, Ike is seen filling a glass with brown water at the kitchen sink. He talks to a guest in his living room as he leaves the kitchen and walks into the living-room area. The camera cuts to Mary, bis guest, looking distraught and depressed.
IKE Tsch. Um, you ... I know you're gonna think the water's a little brown, but you can drink it. You know, it's-it's, uh . . . don't get -don't get thrown by this, you know.
MARY I'm really sorry for bothering you. You know what I mean? She takes a pill out of the bottle she is holding.
IKE No problem. Really, it's no ... He hands her the glass of brown water.
MARY (Overlapping, sighing) I- It's just I didn't know . . . (Reacting to the water) God, this is brown, isn't it?
IKE This . . . yeah, yeah, it is on the brown side. No question about it. But it-but it, you know, you get used to it after a while. Mary puts the pill in her mouth and drinks some water.
MARY I didn't know who to call, that's all.
IKE I don't think you should take those Valium, you know, 'cause I think it causes cancer.
He walks off again; he can be seen going into his bedroom, fussing and straightening, as be talks to Mary over his shoulder.
mary (Offscreen, from the living room) No, half a Valium?
IKE Yeah, yeah, abdominal cancer, I think.
MARY When did they find that out?
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
Ike opens the front door while looking down at the huge wad of paper toweling in Mary's hand.
IKE (Chuckling) That's a nice healthy piece of towel paper you got.
MARY (laughing) Oh, Jesus, God. Well, good-bye and thanks a lot.
She leaves; Ike closes the door.
INTERIOR. IKE'S BEDROOM.
And it's later that night. Ike and Tracy are in bed together. They are eating Chinese food out of white containers and watching television. The camera stays focused on them in the bed; the television screen's variations of light flicker on their faces.
man's voice-over on television Yeah, but my-my point is. Does a -does a cab driver . . . does he make enough money to send all the brothers and sisters through medical school? The voice continues to be heard in the background as Ike and Tracy talk.
IKE (Eating the Chinese food) Mm, mm, this is good. Mm, oh ... (Pointing to the television set) look at that-look at that guy's toupee.
TRACY (Chuckling) Hm.
IKE That's unbelievable.
TRACY That's really weird.
IKE That is hilarious. (Sighing and pointing) Mm, there's a-a-a-an inch of cheesecloth. You can see it. (Tracy giggles) I don't know why his, you know, his loved ones don't tell him. (Raising and lowering his hand to indicate a falling motion) Tsch. It looks like the-the toupee dropped on his head from a-a window ledge or something when he was walking, you know, and no one-
TRACY (Interrupting, chuckling and eating) No, but look at his wife. It looks like her face has been lifted about eight thousand times.
IKE (Pulling back the skin on his face) Yeah, I know, it's so plastic, mm, and it's so tight.
TRACY I hate that.
IKE Her flesh is-
TRACY (Interrupting) I just hate that. I wish . . . Why can't they just age naturally instead of putting all that junk on?
IKE I know, it looks . . . You know, old faces are-are-are nice-
TRACY (Interrupting) Yeah.
IKE (Overlapping) -you know? (Picking at the food in his container) Mm.
TRACY (Nibbling her food) Just great.
IKE (Enjoying his food) Mm, mm, hey, be careful.
Tracy chuckles as Ike begins to fuss, looking down at the bed and picking up his napkin.
IKE I think I got black-black-bean sauce in the bed. We're gonna sleep in that tonight.
TRACY (Ignoring Ike's last remark, pointing to the television set) Oh, look, it's great. The Late Show's a W. C. Fields film.
TRACY Oh, great. We gotta watch that.
Ike sighs. He leans over and kisses Tracy on the shoulder. And the film cuts to:
INTERIOR. UPTOWN SQUASH CLUB-DAY.
Yale, wearing tennis shorts, and Ike, in long pants, work up a sweat playing squash; they talk while they rally, smashing the ball against the wall.
YALE (Sighing) Oh! Oh, God. Boy, I really feel good, you know. I've got my life together finally.
YALE Yeah, you know (Sighing) I just had to cut this thing off finally. I'm not the type for affairs. You know, I finally figured it out.
IKE Do you-do you ever hear from Mary or see her or anything?
YALE No, no, we just- (Sighing) you know, cut it off. I think it's easier that way, you know?
IKE (Breathing hard, hitting the ball) Ah-ha.
YALE (Overlapping) She's a terrific person. She deserves more than a fling with a married guy.
IKE Yeah, she's great. She's a little screwed up but great.
YALE Yeah, well, that's right up your alley, you know. I think you oughta call her.
IKE I-I should call her?
IKE Why should I call her?
YALE Because she likes you. She told me she did.
IKE You're crazy.
YALE No, I'm not. She said she finds you attractive.
IKE She said she found me attractive?
YALE (Missing a shot) Yeah.
IKE Yeah, when was this?
YALE Oh, she said it when she first met you.
IKE (Missing a shot) I didn't know. I can't.
YALE (Laughing at Ike's miss) Sorry about that.
IKE (Overlapping) I can't. I always think-I always think of you two guys as together. (Sighing) I-I don't think that I could.
YALE (Shaking his head) Nah, it's over, it's over. Unless you're serious about Tracy. Are you serious about Tracy?
IKE (Hitting the ball) No, Tracy's too young.
YALE (Missing a shot) Well, then call her up. Listen, she's an unhappy person, you know. I mean, she-she needs something in her life. I mean, I think you guys would be good together.
IKE (Sighing) I think I could be a good influence on her. (Catching bis breath) I think that under my personal vibrations, I could put her life in-in-in some kind of good order. You know what I mean?
YALE (Laughing) Yeah, that's what you said about Jill, you know. And under your personal vibrations, she went from bisexuality to homosexuality. Their game finished, Ike and Yale walk to the glass doors of their court.
IKE (Catching his breath) Yeah, but I gave it the old college try there (Laughing) for a while.
YALE (Laughing) Listen, really, you should call her up.
IKE You're kidding. What-what'd she say about me?
They go through the glass doors into a crowded stairwell, talking above the surrounding chatter and laughter.
yale She said that, uh, she likes you very much. She thinks you're smart. She thinks you're-
IKE (Interrupting) Keep going, don't stop.
YALE (Laughing) -attractive.
IKE (Laughing) She said that, really? No kidding.
They walk up the stairs, offscreen, and the film cuts to the exterior of a movie theater, its marquee saying: "Inagaki's Chushingura; Dovzhenko's Earth." Light, breezy music is heard as the entrance of the theater opens, letting out a departing audience. Among the exiting viewers are Mary and Ike. They stand outside the movie house in an animated discussion; they then walk along the crowded sidewalk, gesturing and talking as the film cuts to Mary's apartment. The couple continue their discussion as Mary opens the door and turns on her hallway light.
IKE You see, to me, a great movie is with W. C. Fields. That's what I like. Grand Illusion, that's-that-I see that every time it's on television if I-if I'm aware of it. (Ike follows Mary into the kitchen, a large white room only partially seen by the camera, which stays in the doorway. While Mary takes out some crackers from a cupboard, Ike examines the contents of her refrigerator, offscreen, blocked from view by the doorway) So what've you got to eat here? Nothing, right? You got-
MARY (Making a face, overlapping) Well.
IKE (Offscreen) Oh, Jesus, what is this? You got a-a corned-beef sandwich here from nineteen-fifty-one, I think. (He walks over to Mary, holding half a comed-beef sandwich) Look at this.
MARY (Laughing) Yeah, I-
IKE (Interrupting) Look at this. I mean, it-it should-should-should-
MARY (Interrupting, moving about her kitchen) I know, I know, I ... Listen, I don't have time to cook.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Looking at the sandwich and shaking his head) Corned beef should not be blue, you know. There's just... ugh, it's really terrible. Hey.
IKE Come here.
Mary walks over to Ike. They kiss, then look at each other; Ike's hands are touching Mary's face.
mary (Reacting) What? What're you doing?
IKE What am I doing? You have to ask what I'm doing? I was kissing you flush on the mouth.
MARY (Nodding her head) Oh, Jesus, I don't know. I... I-boy, I cannot get my life in any kind of order. It's just-
IKE (Interrupting) Well, it's something I wanted to do for the longest time, you know, and . . . and-
MARY (Interrupting, nodding her head) Yeah, I know.
IKE Do you?
MARY (Nodding) Uh-huh.
IKE (Overlapping) 'Cause I-I-I thought I was hiding it. I was trying to be real cool and casual.
MARY Oh, I thought you wanted to kiss me that day at the planetarium.
IKE Yeah, I did.
MARY Yeah, I thought so.
IKE But... but you were-you were-you were going out with Yale then.
IKE And I would never in a million years, you know, interfere in anything like that. I just... well, did you want me to kiss you then? I mean-
MARY (Interrupting) Mm, I don't know what I wanted. I was so angry at Yale that day. She pulls away from Ike and walks to another area of the kitchen.
IKE (Framed by the doorway, looking offscreen at Mary) But you were so sexy, you know. You were all soaking wet from the rain, and I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
MARY I can't go from relationship to relationship. It's senseless. I can't do it.
IKE Well, what-what's it? Are you-are you still hung up on Yale? Is that the problem?
MARY Oh, I've got too many problems. I'm-I'm just really . . . I'm not the person to get involved with. I'm trouble.
IKE Hey, honey, trouble is my middle name. Mary stops fussing about in her kitchen to look at Ike.
MARY (Laughing) Tr- What're you saying?
IKE (Walking over to Mary and holding her head) It is. Actually, my middle name is Mortimer. But, uh . . . (Mary laughs. They kiss. Saxophone music begins playing in the background) . . . I-I'm kidding. The film cuts to the Whitney Museum. The saxophone music continues in the background as Ike and Mary are seen walking through the various gallery rooms. As they talk and study the various sculptures and paintings, they pass a man and a woman.
MARY My problem is I'm both attracted and repelled by the male organ.
IKE (Pointing to the man and the woman) Sssssh.
MARY Oh, you know, so ... I mean, it doesn't make for very good relationships with men, that's all. What about you, what about your relationships with women? You never really told me much about your first wife. They stop in front of a metal sculpture.
IKE (Clearing this throat and staring at the sculpture) My first wife was a kindergarten teacher, you know. She-she got into drugs and she, uh, moved to San Francisco and went into est . . .
MARY (Interrupting) Yeah.
IKE . . . became a Moonie.
Mary chuckles; she is also looking at the sculpture.
242 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE She's with the William Morris Agency now.
MARY (Gesturing to the sculpture) Do you like that?
IKE (Sniffling) This-this, I think, has a-has a kind of wonderful otherness to it, you know.
MARY (Overlapping) An otherness.
IKE (Gesturing) It's kind of got a marvelous negative capability-
MARY (Interrupting, chuckling) Okay.
IKE -a kind of w-w-w-wonderful energy to it-
MARY (Continuing to chuckle) Uh-huh.
IKE -don't you think?
EXTERIOR. WEST SIDE HIGHWAY-NIGHT..
A taxi drives down the highway; traffic and city lights roll by in the dark. Mary's and Ike's voices are beard over the traffic sounds and the continual saxophone music.
mary's voice-over Mm, I thought that wine was wonderful, didn't you think? And I-it just made my face all flushed and hot.
ike's voice-over Yeah. You look so beautiful I can hardly keep my eyes on the meter. (Mary laughs) It's-it's fourteen bucks to go to Brooklyn.
mary's voice-over I know, but it was a great restaurant. Didn't you love it?
ike's voice-over Mm, yeah, I love seafood. (Sniffling) Of course, I'm drunk. (Chuckling) Ha, I don't know if you can tell or not. (Sighing) Hey, y-y-you know, it was-it was the only time in my life I ever had Chianti from Warsaw. (Mary chuckles) Give me a kiss.
mary's voice-over Okay.
The sounds of kissing are beard as the film moves to Mary's apartment. It's later that evening and Mary is sitting on Ike's lap. They are kissing, illuminated by a single lamp on a nearby table. As they embrace, Mary leans over and shuts off the light. The screen goes pitch-black; Ike sighs in the darkness.
MARY (Sighing) What're you thinking?
IKE (Sighing) Uh, I-I was just thinking there must be something wrong with me because I've never had a relationship with a woman that's lasted longer than the one between Hitler and Eva Braun.
MARY (Chuckling) I think you're still drunk.
They kiss in the dark. The music stops. And the film cuts to:
EXTERIOR. THE DALTON SCHOOL-DAY.
Ike, wearing a striped jacket, is leaning against a fence in front of the school. Various students are leaving, walking down the stone steps and chattering;
the camera shows this scene in an almost panormaic view as Tracy walks out of the school in jeans and T-shirt. She doesn 't see Ike; she walks down the steps and onto the sidewalk. Ike catches up with her and taps her on the shoulder. Tracy is surprised. She puts her arm around him and gives him a kiss. As they stroll down the street, Tracy hands Ike a present. He gives her a kiss. The camera continues to stay far away from the couple; their speech is indistinguishable, seeming more like pantomime because of the distance. They are now in a soda shop, sitting at the counter in the crowded, noisy room. Ike is looking at a harmonica, the present Tracy gave him, as she sips an ice cream soda through a straw.
IKE (Looking at the harmonica) Tsch. I-it's great. It's-it's ... I don't play the harmonica, but it's an incredible (Sighing) harmonica is what it is.
TRACY Well, you said you wanted to learn. I'm trying to open up that side of you.
IKE Tsch. Tracy, Tracy, you're throwing away an enormous amount of real affection on the wrong person.
TRACY It's not wrong for me.
A young woman walks up to the counter and places an order in the background while Ike and Tracy talk.
IKE (Sighing) You see, I don't-I-I-I don't think we should keep seeing each other.
TRACY Why not?
IKE Because I think you're getting too hung up on me, you know? Hung up on me. I'm starting to s-sound like you when I talk.
TRACY I'm not hung up on you. I'm in love with you. The camera moves closer to their faces.
ike You can't be in love with me. We've been over this. You're a kid. You don't know what love means. I don't know what it means. Nobody out there knows what the hell's going on.
TRACY We have laughs together. I care about you. Your concerns are my concerns. We have great sex.
IKE (Sighing) You-you're-but you're seventeen years old. By the time you're twenty-one, you're gonna have-you'll have a dozen relationships, mm, believe me, far more passionate than this one.
TRACY Well, don't you love me?
IKE (Sighing) I ... (Sighing again) . . . Well, the truth is that I love somebody else.
TRACY You do?
IKE Hey, come on, will you? We-you-we . . . This was supposed to be a temporary fling, you know that.
TRACY You met someone?
IKE Don't stare at me with those big eyes. Jesus, you look like one of those barefoot kids from Bolivia who need foster parents.
TRACY Have you been seeing someone?
IKE (Shaking his head no, then nodding yes) No... yes, uh, someone older. Yeah, I mean, y-y-you know, y-y-you know, old, not as old as I am . . . but in the same general ball park as me. The camera moves closer to Tracy's face; it stays tight on her features, showing her expressions, throughout most of the remaining scene.
TRACY (Reacting, sighing) Gee, now I don't feel so good.
IKE (Offscreen) It's-it's not right. You-you know, y-y-you shouldn't get hung, I mean, you should open up your life. You should see . . . you know, you've got to.
TRACY (Sighing) You keep stating it like it's to my advantage when it's you that wants to get out of it. The camera moves briefly to Ike's face.
IKE Hey, don't be so precocious, okay? I mean, don't be so smart. I-I'm forty-two years old. My hair's falling out. I'm starting to lose some hearing in my right ear. Is that what you want?
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
TRACY I can't believe that you met somebody that you like better than me.
IKE (Looking down) Why should I feel guilty about this? This is ridiculous. I've always encouraged you to-to go out with g-guys more your own age, guys, kids from your class. I mean, mm, mm, Billy and Biff and Scooter and, mm, mm, you know, little Tommy or Terry.
Tracy's face once again fills the screen. She begins to cry. Ike's hand reaches over and touches her shoulder and neck.
IKE (Offscreen) Hey, come on, don't cry. (Tracy continues to cry) Don't cry. Come on, don't cry. Tracy ... Tracy, don't-come on, don't cry, Tracy. Tracy.
TRACY (Sighing) Just leave me alone. Ike's hand wipes a tear from Tracy's face.
TRACY (Reacting, still crying) Leave me alone.
INTERIOR. IKE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT.
Ike is sprawled on his bed, writing. Sighing, he stops and picks up the harmonica lying next to him on the bed. He plays a few notes, stops, and looks at it. Then he puts the harmonica back down on the bed; he stares off into space, reflecting.
EXTERIOR. COUNTRY ROAD-DAY.
An orchestral rendition of "'Swonderful" is heard as Mary and Ike drive down an idyllic country road in a car; Ike is behind the wheel. As the music continues, the camera moves to a peaceful waterfall scene, complete with lush trees and a wooden bridge. After a moment Mary and Ike are seen strolling on the bridge. They pause, looking down at the water. They embrace.
INTERIOR. COUNTRY INN'S BEDROOM-NIGHT.
Over a pitch-black screen, Mary's and Ike's voices are heard.
mary' s voice-over That was wonderful.
ike's voice-over Yeah, I'll say.
mary's voice-over I love being in the country.
ike's voice-over Mm, it's very relaxing.
Mary switches on the light; Mary and Ike are revealed now, lying in bed together, a wooden headboard behind them.
MARY I know.
IKE Of course, the mosquitoes have sucked all the blood out of my left leg. (Mary chuckles as Ike reaches over to the night table for his glasses and puts them on) Of course, apart from that I'm ... in good shape.
MARY Doesn't it make you feel better? I feel better about myself.
IKE Yeah, you were dynamite. Except I did get the feeling that, for about two seconds in there, you were faking a little bit.
MARY (Reacting) What're you . . . ?
IKE (Overlapping) Not a lot. You were just overacting-
MARY (Interrupting) No, I didn't.
IKE (Touching his neck) Yes, when you dug your nails into my neck. I thought you were just giving it a little-
MARY (Sighing and shaking her head) Uh, no ... no, I don't know. She shrugs.
IKE Were you?
MARY I guess I'm a little nervous around you still.
IKE Really, still?
MARY Well, yeah, I think-
IKE (Interrupting) It's so crazy.
MARY Because I really-I would like everything to work out.
IKE It's gonna, it will. It will work out. You should leave everything to me. I'll make everything happen. You don't-you don't have to worry.
MARY You promise? Do you really promise?
IKE (Nodding) Mm-hm, mm-hm.
MARY Because I do, I like you a lot. I feel good around you.
IKE (Chuckling) Yeah, I don't blame you.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
MARY (Laughing) Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Yale was-yeah, he was great. He was absolutely great, but he was married. And Jeremiah, look at Jeremiah, my ex-husband. He was just this oversexed br-brilliant kind of animal.
IKE Hey, what am I, Grandma Moses? (Chuckling and pointing to himself) What do you mean?
MARY (Shaking her head) No, not at all.
IKE (Overlapping) You know. Hm?
MARY No, no, no, you're much different, you're much different. You're-
IKE (Interrupting) Yeah?
MARY Yes, you're someone I could . . . uh, I could imagine having children with.
IKE (Pointing to the lamp) Well, well, hit the lights. Go ahead.
MARY (Reaching over to the lamp switch) Hm.
IKE (Taking off his glasses) Turn 'em out again. (Sighing) We'll-we'll trade fours.
Mary turns the light off. The room goes dark and dissolves into Mary's apartment, where she and Ike are dancing cheek to cheek around her paper-and-book-filled living room. The light is dim; romantic music plays in the background.
The music continues over the next view of Mary and Ike. They are now in a rowboat on the Central Park lake. Mary sits with her elbow on the edge of the boat smoking a cigarette. Ike, leaning back, sticks his hand in the water. He takes it out and finds bis entire hand covered with mud and dirt. He grimaces.
And still the music plays, this time while Ike and Mary stand in front of Zabar's window, pointing at and discussing the delicacies displayed. People go in and out of the store. When Ike notices three African men in native dress weighted down with Zabar shopping bags walking out of the store, he nudges Mary with his elbow. She stops talking and stares, smiling, at the men, as amazed as Ike.
The music stops as the film cuts to a Brooklyn Heights street where Emily and Ike stand by the wall of a brick building. They look offscreen where Yale is haggling over the price of a Porsche up for sale.
EMILY Well, we never see you anymore.
IKE (Sighing) Well, 'cause I've been working on my book. I'm submerged, dedicated.
EMILY It's that girl you're seeing. Serious, isn't it?
IKE Well, it's serious, you know.
EMILY Well, when are we gonna get a chance to meet her?
EMILY (Interrupting) I'm sure Yale would like to meet her.
IKE Then we should go out sometime, you know.
EMILY (Nodding) Yeah, that's fine.
IKE (Gesturing) I don't understand. Why-why-why does he need a car? A sudden urge to get a car. It's so-
EMILY (Interrupting Ike, shrugging) He just wants it, what can I tell you?
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
He and Emily walk over to Yale where he stands, near the curb, talking to two men; the Porsche is parked near them.
one man (To Yale) The roof-the roofs custom-made.
IKE (To Yale, overlapping) Look . . . uh, is there nothing I can do to dissuade you from this?
one man (To Yale) The roof-the roofs custom-made. Yale continues to bargain with the men.
one man (To Yale) Oh, okay.
Yale and Ike move a few feet away from the Porsche and the others. They continue to talk while the two men continue to sell their car to Emily.
IKE (To Yale) It's so crazy. They should-they should ban all cars from Manhattan. I mean, this is-this crazy ... Listen, Emily wants to know why, I mean, you know, I never bring Mary around.
one man (To Emily, overlapping) The car's in perfect condition. The roof's custom-made.
YALE (To Ike) You know, why don't you bring Mary around?
one man (To Emily, overlapping) The tires are in good shape.
IKE (To Yale) Well, I don't know. Is it awkward for you or what?
YALE Oh, are you kidding?
IKE Look, I spoke to her about it. It's no problem for her, either.
EMILY (To one of the men, overlapping Ike's and Vale's speech) Oh, yeah?
YALE (To Ike) Well, why aren't we doing it?
one man (To Emily, overlapping) You like this Porsche?
EMILY I guess.
IKE (Overlapping Emily's remark, pointing to the car and speaking to Yale) Well, you know. Hey, don't get this thing, 'cause this is- You know, I hate cars.
YALE (Laughing) Oh, Isaac, you're gonna love it.
IKE You know, it just ... it screws up the environment and-
YALE (Interrupting) It's a work of art.
INTERIOR. YALE AND EMILY'S APARTMENT-NIGHT.
Mary and Ike enter Yale and Emily's apartment. They stand in the doorway, looking offscreen at Emily and Yale.
YALE (Offscreen) Hi.
EMILY (Offscreen) Hi.
IKE (Overlapping) Hi. This is-this is ... uh, Emily. The camera cuts to Emily and Yale, greeting their guests.
EMILY (To offscreen Mary, shaking her hand) Hello, nice to meet you.
IKE (To Mary) This is Yale.
YALE (Shaking hands with Mary) Hi.
MARY Hi, Yale.
The camera now shows the four of them standing in the doorway, looking at one another in a brief pause.
IKE (Coughing, breaking the pause) So, shall we go?
EMILY (Looking at Yale) Yeah, let's go.
YALE (Smiling at Emily and sighing) Sure.
INTERIOR. CONCERT HALL-NIGHT.
Ike, Mary, Yale and Emily sit watching and listening to the concert music. Ike turns bis head and looks at Mary. She looks at him, reacting; he looks away. He steals a quick second glance at her, then turns back to watch the stage. Yale then turns and looks at Mary. He, too, turns away quickly, then turns back to look at Ike, who bends down, pulling up bis socks, and turns back to the stage. Emily sits oblivious to the tension of the others, absorbed in the concert, and the film cuts to:
A wrecking site. It's daylight. Ike and Mary are walking along a crowded sidewalk. Ike looks at all the construction, reacting.
252 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE Look at that. That building is almost completely torn down.
MARY Well, can't they have those things declared landmarks?
IKE Yeah, I once-I once tried to block demolition. You know, getting some people to lie down in front of a building . . . and some policeman stepped on my hand. The city's really changing. They walk to a storefront and enter a stark, trendy men's clothing store. Mary and Ike immediately start browsing through a rack of shirts. Jeremiah, her ex-husband, is also shopping in the store; be is short, chubby and balding.
IKE (Chuckling, browsing through the clothing] No, I need something, you know, that I can wear around the house that doesn't make me look too Mexican.
MARY (Sighing) Ugh. This is-
JEREMIAH (Interrupting) Mary?
MARY Oh, my God- (Laughing nervously) Jeremiah! Well . . .
MARY Um. (Chuckling) Jeremiah, this is my friend, uh, Isaac Davis.
JEREMIAH (Shaking Ike's hand) Hi. IKE Hi.
JEREMIAH Glad to meet you. Hi.
MARY (Overlapping, laughing) God.
JEREMIAH (To Mary) God, this is so incredible.
MARY I-it's incredible, I know.
JEREMIAH I'm just in town for a few days.
JEREMIAH There's kind of a symposium on semantics.
MARY Oh, well . . . Jeremiah steps in front of Mary, subtly pushing Ike away offscreen
JEREMIAH And you're just looking so great. I just, uh-
MARY (Interrupting) You, you're so thin. You lost a lot of weight, didn't you?
JEREMIAH Well, uh, I have an exercise machine.
MARY Just fabulous-looking . . . Well, you really look good . . . (Jeremiah sighs) . . . really good.
JEREMIAH God, well, I'm a bit late, but. . . uh, it's just so nice seeing you. And, uh-
MARY (Interrupting) It's great-
JEREMIAH (Interrupting) You know, I read an article by you in, uh, the
MARY (Interrupting) Oh, shit.
JEREMIAH -on Brecht.
MARY I know, I know . . . Brecht (Pronouncing it "Bresht"). Well, you know-I mean, I always was a sucker for Germanic theater. Jeremiah laughs.
MARY (Sighing) Well . . .
JEREMIAH (Sighing) Okay. Well . . .
MARY (Overlapping) Just great. Well . . .
JEREMIAH (Waving good-bye) God. Okay, so long.
MARY (Overlapping) Bye. Bye, Jeremiah.
JEREMIAH (To offscreen Ike) Bye, bye.
IKE (Offscreen) Bye. Jeremiah leaves the store.
MARY (Walking over to Ike) Oh, what a surprise! I cannot get over it. My ex-husband. And he does-
IKE (Overlapping) Mm-hm. mary -he really does look a lot thinner. He looks great.
IKE (Reacting to Jeremiah's appearance) Yeah, well . . . well, y-you certainly fooled me. I mean, I was shocked-
MARY (Interrupting) What do you mean?
IKE -'cause that's not what . . . this is not what I expected.
MARY What did you expect?
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Looking down and clearing his throat) I don't know. You said, you know, you had always led me to-and you said that-that he was a great ladies' man-
MARY (Interrupting) Yeah, I did.
IKE -and that he opened you up sexually, you know.
MARY So, sooo?
IKE And, you know, and then this-this little homunculus, you know ... I, uh-
MARY (Interrupting, sighing) He's quite devastating.
IKE (Shaking his head) Really? Well, it's . . . you know, I-it's amazing how subjective all that stuff is.
MARY (Sighing) I don't know what you're-
INTERIOR. IKE'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Ike is sprawled out on his bed, writing. He is seen through the doorway of his bedroom. The sound is heard of Mary typing in the living room.
IKE (Looking up from his work) Boy, you're really typing away in there.
MARY (Offscreen) Yeah, it's a cinch.
IKE (Writing again) Yeah, are you still reviewing The Tolstoy Letters'? The camera moves to Mary, seated at a typing desk in the living room. She has a cigarette in her mouth.
MARY No, no, I finished that two days ago. I'm-I'm on that novelization.
The camera stays in the hallway, moving back and forth between Ike in the bedroom on the left side of the screen, and then cutting to Mary at her
typewriter in the living room on the right side of the screen.
IKE I mean, what-what do you waste your time with a novelization for?
MARY Why? Because it's easy and it pays well.
IKE It's, mm, you know, it's like another contemporary American phenomenon that's truly moronic-the, uh, um, novelizations of
movies. I mean, you're much too brilliant for that. You know, you should be doing other stuff.
MARY (Taking a puff on her cigarette) Like what?
IKE You know, like fiction. I've seen your fiction. It's terrific. The telephone rings. Mary picks it up.
MARY (Into the telephone) Hello?
The film cuts briefly to Yale in a Park Avenue phone booth; the traffic zooms by.
yale Mary, hi. It's Yale. I was hoping you'd pick up. Listen-uh, could we meet for coffee? The film cuts back to Mary in Ike's apartment.
MARY (Hunching over the phone) Well-why, why? What is it? Wha-? Yale is seen for a moment.
YALE Well, you know, I miss you and I thought-thought maybe we could talk. The camera is back at Ike's place.
MARY (Sighing) No, I don't think that would be possible, really. I don't think that would be possible at all. I'm sorry, I just, uh .. . no, I-I'm sorry, I've gotta go.
Mary bangs up, reacting. She leans back in her chair, shaking. Ike, sharpening a pencil on his bed, looks up for a moment.
IKE Who was that?
IKE Who was that on the phone just now?
MARY (Slumping back in her chair, still shaking) Uh, dance lessons.
IKE Dance lessons that was? mary (Biting her nails) Yeah, do we want free dance lessons.
IKE (Chuckling) Right. They give you one free lesson, and then they hook you for fifty thousand dollars' worth.
And the film cuts back to the Park Avenue phone booth where Yale bangs up the receiver and walks onto the crowded sidewalk. Traffic continues to go by;
borns honk and be quickly disappears into the crowd.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
INTERIOR. YALE AND EMILY'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Ike and Emily, backs to the camera, stand talking in front of some bookshelves in the living room.
IKE (Turning to Emily) Viking loved my book.
EMILY Oh, good.
IKE They loved the first four chapters, which is all I gave 'em. But they-they said it was amusing and they were, you know, they were really complimentary.
Emily walks into the kitchen; Ike follows her.
EMILY Yeah, well, Yale had read them and he thought they showed a great deal of promise.
IKE Yeah, I know, but Yale's family, you know, so of course he's always enormously encouraging. But Viking is, you know-they're the ones who gotta shove up the money.
EMILY Yeah, well, maybe it'll inspire Yale to finish his O'Neill biography. I mean, he's been talking about it long enough.
IKE I know, for ages.
She walks back into the living room, Ike still following her.
IKE Well, Mary-Mary read the stuff and she-she was just laughing out loud. And I-I respect her judgment, you know, though she's doing a think piece on a rock star, which really is- Ike is interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and closing.
YALE (Offscreen, calling from the doorway) Hello?
IKE (Ignoring Yale's entrance) You know, she's getting-
EMILY (Interrupting Ike, to Yale) Hey, where were you? You were supposed to be home an hour ago.
YALE (Entering the living room) Uhhh, I bought the car.
EMILY Oh, no-you did?
YALE (Laughing) I know, I know, I know it's a meaningless extravagance- Ike sighs.
YALE -but I had to have it. It was too beautiful.
IKE Did you get that-that thing that we saw?
YALE (Nodding his head) Yeah, yeah.
EMILY Did you hear about Ike?
EMILY Viking Press loved the first four chapters of his book.
IKE (Nodding) Mm-hm.
YALE (Overlapping) Oh, really?
IKE Yeah, they were real complimentary about it.
YALE All right, next week I get the car. We'll take it out and we'll celebrate.
EMILY (To Ike, smiling) In our new car.
EXTERIOR. TAPPAN ZEE BRIDGE-DAY.
Yale, Emily, Ike and Mary are crammed into Yale's new Porsche. Yale is driving through the traffic while light music plays in the background. The film abruptly cuts to a quaint shopping street in Nyack, New York. Yale and Ike are seen leaving an antique shop. As they walk down the sidewalk, Mary and Emily are seen leaving a different store. Mary hands Ike a framed picture she's just bought him. Ike gives her a kiss, and as the group continues down the street, befalls back and quickly throws it into a nearby garbage can, then catches up with the others. The music continues. It's a bit later; the group is passing in front of a Nyack bookstore. The camera is in the display window, focusing out on the group. While Yale and Emily pass by the window quickly, something catches Ike's and Mary's attention. Ike lights a cigarette and points at the window. Yale and Emily quickly walk back onscreen. The foursome stare at the window; the light music continues to play. The camera moves outside the store; it is focused on the window, showing the object of their surprise and shock:
There, prominently displayed, is Jill's book. Marriage, Divorce and Selfhood. Several of the books show the title; others are turned over to show a full cover photograph of Jill herself. The music stops and the film cuts to:
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
EXTERIOR. NYACK WATERFRONT-DAY.
Boats are in the harbor; the bay touches the dock; seagulls fly over Mary, Ike, Yale and Emily as they walk past the dock. Yale, holding Jilt's book, reads out loud.
yale (To the group) Jesus, listen to this. "Making love to this deeper, more (Laughing) masterful female made me ... (Laughing) made me realize-" Ike covers his ears.
YALE "-what an empty experience, what a bizarre charade-" Ike sighs.
YALE "-sex with my husband was." Emily laughs.
IKE Please, that is so nauseating. (Sighing) I-oh . . .
YALE (Overlapping) Oh, God Almighty.
EMILY (Chuckling) Is this true? Did you make love with Jill and another woman?
IKE Uh, she put that in there?
Emily takes the book from Yale; they both laugh.
IKE (Putting his hands in his pockets) Christ. I mean, she-she wanted to, I think. You know, I-I was-I didn't wanna be a bad sport.
YALE Did you have a good time?
MARY And then there's the one where-where-
IKE (To Yale, interrupting Mary) No, I didn't have a good time.
Yale and Emily continue to laugh: they both read the book, Emily still holding it.
mary (Turning around to look at Yale and Emily) Did you hear the one where he tried to run her-her lover over?
YALE (Looking at Mary) Oh, yeah.
IKE (To Mary) Whose side are you on?
MARY (Looking at Ike) What do you mean?
IKE (Ignoring Mary's question) No, I didn't try and run her over. It was raining out. The car lurched. Jesus, now every-everybody in town is gonna know all-
EMILY (Interrupting) I can't believe it.
IKE -these details. Everybody, all my friends and-
EMILY (Reading from the book now) Hey, listen to this: "He was given to fits of rage, Jewish, liberal paranoia, male chauvinism, self-righteous misanthropy, and nihilistic moods of despair. He had complaints about life but never any solutions."
The foursome walk off the screen. Their voices are still heard over the peaceful scene; the sea gulls continue to fly overhead.
EMILY (Offscreen, continues to read) "He longed to be an artist but balked at the necessary sacrifices. In his most private moments, he spoke of his fear of death, which he elevated to tragic heights when, in fact, it was mere narcissim."
The film cuts to a close-up of Ike's angry face. He has just entered fill's apartment.
IKE I came here to strangle you.
JILL (Offscreen) Nothing I wrote was untrue.
Ike walks across Jill's living room to the table; Connie sits in one of the chairs, listening, while Ike and Jill walk around the room in heated discussion.
IKE What do you mean?! That book makes me out to be like Lee Harvey Oswald!
JILL It's an honest account of our marriage.
IKE That I'm narcissistic?!
JILL Don't you think you're a little self-obsessed?
IKE And-and misanthropic? And self-righteous?
JILL (Fiddling with some yarn she has picked up from the table) Well, I- I wrote some nice things about you.
IKE Like what? What?
JILL Like what? Like you cry when you see Gone With the Wind.
IKE Oh, Jesus.
IKE (To Connie) What're you laughing about? You're supposed to be the mature one of the two. You let her write that garbage?
CONNIE Hey, wait a minute. This is between you two.
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE Uh, do you-do you honestly think that I tried to run you over?
CONNIE You just happened to hit the gas as I walked in front of the car.
IKE (To Jill) Gee, I-I-did I do it on purpose?
JILL Well, what would Freud say?
IKE Freud would say I really wanted to run her over. That's why he was a genius.
CONNIE (Getting up from the table) All right, listen you two, I'm going upstairs. I got work to do. Don't forget that Willie's at ballet class. She walks up the stairs.
IKE (Mumbling) Yeah.
JILL Look, I better warn you. I've had some interest in this book for a movie sale. Ike looks away, incredulous, and the film cuts to:
INTERIOR. IKE'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Ike enters his apartment, closes the door and walks into the kitchen.
IKE (Calling) Is anybody home?
MARY (Offscreen) Uh-huh.
IKE (Turning on the light switch in the kitchen) Yeah? I got an unbelievable story to tell you, absolutely incredible. You okay?
MARY (Offscreen) Oh, yeah.
IKE Yeah? Just let me get one glass of brown water . .. and I'll be fine 'cause I'm dying of thirst. Ike turns on the faucet and fills a glass with brown water.
MARY (Offscreen, overlapping) Isaac . . . yeah, I wanna talk to you-
IKE (Drinking) Mm-hm.
IKE (Not listening to Mary, excitedly) So I go over to Jill's this morning, right? Because I'm real annoyed over all that junk she printed in the book.
MARY (Offscreen) Yeah. Isaac? Mm-hm.
IKE (Overlapping) And . . . and I'm, you know-
Ike turns off the kitchen light. Holding his glass of water, he walks into the living room, where Mary is standing.
MARY (Looking at Ike, interrupting) Before you get wound up, there's just something I-I wanna tell you.
IKE (Looking at Mary) What's the matter? You look-you look ... pale.
IKE Well, wha-what's the matter? Hey, what- Is there something wrong? What is it?
MARY (Hesitating) I think I'm still in love with Yale.
IKE (Reacting) What? You- Are you kidd-? You are?
IKE Well, when did this happen? I mean, what. . . ? Well, you are or you think you are?
Mary walks over to a coffee table, its surface holding a bottle of wine and some glasses. She pours herself a glass of wine.
MARY (Sipping her wine) I started seeing him again.
IKE When? Since when?
MARY Mm . . . just since today. We're not really . . . That's why I wanted to be open about it.
IKE Jesus, I'm . . . I'm shocked. I'm-I'm . . . shocked. I'm . . . s-surprised.
MARY (Pacing back and forth, holding her wine glass) I-I-I think I've always been in love with him.
IKE (Reacting) How does he feel about this?
MARY (Sighing) Well... tsch, he wants to move out of his place so that we can live together.
IKE (Sitting down on the edge of a chair) I'm stunned. I'm-I'm . . . I'm in a state of, uh ... Somebody should throw a blanket over me. You know, I'm-
MARY (Interrupting) Well, you see, he called me several times in a very depressed and confused state. And he (Sighing) he still loves me.
262 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE (Reacting) This-this-this is shaping up like a Noel Coward play, you know. Somebody should go out and make some martinis.
MARY I don't blame you for being furious with me.
IKE Well, I'm-I'm too stunned to be furious.
MARY Well, then, I wish you would. I wish you'd get angry so that we could have it out, so that we could get it out in the open.
IKE (Pointing to himself) Well, I don't get angry, okay? I mean, I have a tendency to internalize. I can't express anger. That's one of the problems I have. I-I grow a tumor instead.
MARY Well. I told you that-that I was (Sighing) . . . trouble from the beginning, from when we first started dating. Mary stops pacing and sits down on the coffee-table edge, still holding her wine glass.
IKE So what does-what does your analyst say? I mean, did you speak to him?
MARY Well, Donny's in a coma. He had a very bad acid experience.
IKE Oh, that's gr-, that's great. I mean, you know . . . (Sighing) I think you're making a big mistake here.
IKE Why? Because you . . . Why? B-b-because you're preferring Yale to me, that's all. I know that sounds egotistical, but, uh . . . (Mary sighs. Ike shakes his head). . . you know. This guy's been married for twelve years to Emily. You'd. .. what'd you think's gonna happen? He'll be away from her for a month, he'll go crazy. And-and-and if he does commit to you, you know, when you start to feel secure, you'll drop him. (Snapping his fingers) I know it. I-I give the whole thing . . . four weeks, that's it.
MARY Well, I-I-I-I can't plan that far in advance.
IKE You can't plan four weeks in advance? I mean, what-
MARY (Interrupting, shaking her bead) No!
IKE -what-what kind of foresight is that? (Sighing) Jesus. You know, I-I knew you were crazy when-when we started going out. I-you know, I... y-you . . . always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different, you know, but ... eh.
MARY Isaac, I'm sorry.
IKE Yeah, well . . .
MARY I really am. I'm really sorry.
Ike mumbles under his breath. He puts down his brown water on the coffee table. He stands up and walks out of the room.
MARY Isaac? Well . . . I'm sor- Where are you-where are you going?
IKE (Offscreen) I gotta get some air.
MARY (Reacting) Oh.
The camera stays on Mary for a moment; she still sits on the coffee table, one hand on her head, the other holding her glass of wine. And marching music is heard as the scene shifts to Ike, walking quickly on the New York sidewalks, muttering to himself, gesturing, oblivious to the passers-by. He enters a university, walking past two girls looking at a bulletin board. Still muttering to himself, he marches to a classroom door. He knocks on its small window. Yale, teaching a class, turns and sees his friend. Ike motions to Yale to come over to him; he knocks again. Yale excuses himself to his students and walks out the door. The music stops.
IKE (Whispering) Psst. I wanna talk to you.
YALE (Standing by the door, still holding the knob) What're you doing here?
IKE What do you mean what am I doing here? I spoke to Mary. Weren't you going to say anything?
YALE (Softly) Oh, damn. I was gonna say something to you, but not- Ssssh, there's a class in there.
IKE Yeah, so where can we go and talk?
YALE (Motioning) Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Yale pulls Ike across the corridor to another classroom door; they continue to speak in low voices.
IKE Where can we-where can we go speak? yale How'd you get past the security?
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
IKE What do you mean? I walked right past.
Ike and Vale walk through the door to an empty classroom. It looks like an ordinary schoolroom, with its wooden desks and blackboard, except for the two skeletons hanging near the door; they seem to be observing the two friends as they talk.
IKE (Sighing) What are you telling me, that you-you're-you're gonna leave Emily-is this true?-and-and run away with the-the winner of the . . . Zelda Fitzgerald Emotional Maturity Award?
YALE Look, I love her. I've always loved her.
IKE (Sighing) Oh, what kind of crazy friend are you?
YALE I'm a good friend! I introduced the two of you, remember?
IKE Why? What was the point? (Chuckling) I don't understand that.
YALE Well, I thought you liked her!
IKE Yeah, I do like her! Now we both like her!
YALE (Looking away) Yeah, well, I liked her first!
IKE (Reacting, incredulous) "I liked her first." What're you-what're you, six years old?! Jesus.
YALE Look ... I thought it was over. You know, I mean, would I have encouraged you to take her out if-if I still liked her? Ike walks closer to Yale; he now stands next to one of the skeletons. As he talks, he shares the screen with the skeleton'? skull, which looks as if it has a perpetual grin. Ike, deep in conversation with Yale, ignores his long-dead scene stealer.
IKE So what, you liked her. Now you don't like her. Then you did like her. You-you-you know, um, it's still early. You can change your mind one more time before dinner!
YALE Don't get sarcastic about this. You think I like this?!
IKE How-how long were you gonna see her without saying anything
YALE Don't turn this into one of your big moral issues.
IKE (Reacting, still standing next to the skeleton) You could've said-but you-you ... all you had to do was, you know, was call me and talk to me. You know, I'm very understanding. I'd 'a said, "No," but you'd 've felt honest.
YALE I wanted to tell you about it. I knew it was gonna upset you. I-uh, uh . . . we had a few innocent meetings.
IKE A few?! She said one! You guys, you should get your story straight, you know. Don't-don't you rehearse?
YALE We met twice for coffee.
IKE Hey, come off it. She doesn't drink coffee. What'd you do, meet for Sanka? That's not too romantic. You know, that's a little on the geriatric side.
YALE Well, I'm not a saint, okay?
IKE (Gesturing, almost hitting the skeleton) But you-but you're too easy on yourself, don't you see that?! You know, you ... you-that's your problem, that's your whole problem. You-you rationalize everything. You're not honest with yourself. You talk about . . . you wanna-you wanna write a book, but-but, in the end, you'd rather buy the Porsche, you know, or you cheat a little bit on Emily, and you play around the truth a little with me, and-and the next thing you know, you're in front of a Senate committee and you're naming names! You're informing on your friends!
YALE (Reacting) You are so self-righteous, you know. I mean, we're just people, we're just human beings, you know. You think you're God!
IKE I-I gotta model myself after someone!
YALE Well, you just can't live the way you do, you know. It's all so perfect.
IKE Jesus-well, what are future generations gonna say about us? My God! (He points to the skeleton, acknowledging it at last) You know, someday we're gonna-we're gonna be like him! I mean, y-y-y-y-you know-well, he was probably one of the beautiful people. He was probably dancing and playing tennis and everything. And-and- (Pointing to the skeleton again) and now-well, this is what happens to us! You know, uh, it's very important to have-to have some kind of personal integrity. Y-you know, I'll-I'll be hanging in a classroom one day. And-and I wanna make sure when I ... thin out that I'm w-w-well thought off
The camera stays focused on the skeleton, its full form shown now, as Ike leaves, then Yale.
YALE (Offscreen, calling) Ike . . . Isaac, where're you going?
The film stays in the empty classroom a moment longer, the camera focused on the grinning skeleton in the silence. The movie dissolves into:
Ike is sitting at his typewriter, staring into space. It is day. His back is to the camera; he sits in the same place where Mary sat working when she was with him. Ragtime is heard in the background as Ike finally picks up some paper, puts it into the typewriter, turns on a cassette recorder and starts to
type. It is night now. Ike is shown quickly typing away; then, the same ragtime still playing, the camera cuts to Willie carving a pumpkin. It pulls back, showing Ike carving his own gigantic pumpkin. The ragtime still playing, the scene shifts to a Central Park field where fathers and sons are playing football, chatting and yelling. When the game ends, Ike, his arm around his son, and Willie walk away, their sweat shirts declaring "Divorced Fathers and Sons All Stars."
The music stops as the film cuts to the fairly crowded SoHo Charcuterie. It is day. Ike and Emily sit across from each other, eating lunch.
EMILY No, I knew Yale had affairs . . . but then, nothing's perfect. (Sighing) Marriage is a-requires some minor compromises, I guess.
IKE (Coughing) You know, it's funny because I can't- I, you know, I'm just a noncompromiser. I mean, I can't-I can't see that. You know, I think it's always a big mistake to-to look the other way . . . (Clearing his throat) 'cause you always wind up paying for it in the end anyhow, you know . . . but then, you-so it ... Jill wrote about me in that book, you know. I'm-I-I'm living in the past.
EMILY How about you? You seeing anybody?
IKE (Shrugging) Uh, uh, y-you-you know, I-I n-n-never had any problem meeting women. I mean, that's . . . you know, but (Clearing his throat) I was thinking about this just about a week ago. I think, and I know this sounds strange, but I think I really missed a good bet when I let Tracy go. Do you remember Tracy? Yeah.
EMILY (Overlapping) Yeah, I always liked her.
IKE Tsch. Yeah. I was-I was just thinking about this at home last
week and (Sighing and looking at bis bands) I think of all the women that I've known over the last years, when I actually am honest with myself. . . tsch, I think I had the most relaxed times and the most, you know, the nicest times with her. She was really a terrific kid, but young, right? So ... that's that.
EMILY Why don't you call her?
IKE No, I would never do that. I think I blew that one. You know, I-I really kept her at a distance and I just would never give her a chance. And (Sighing) she was so sweet. You know she-she called me . . . uh, she left a message with my service about a month ago (Sighing and looking off into space for a moment) that I should watch Grand Illusion on television . . . (Emily chuckles; Ike shakes his head and gestures). . . you know. And I never returned her call or anything. I-you know... (Smacking his lips together) 'cause I-you know, I, uh, didn't wanna lead her on or anything. I-uh . . . she really cared about me and I ... Ike trails off, sighing.
EMILY (Shaking her head) Tsch. You know I was a little pissed-off at you.
IKE (Raising an eyebrow and pointing to himself) Me?
EMILY (Nodding her bead) Yeah. I figured if you hadn't introduced
MARY to Yale, this might never have happened. Ike, reacting to Emily's words, nods his head affirmatively.
INTERIOR. IKE'S APARTMENT-DAY
The camera shows a tape recorder, the cassette wheels turning inside the case.
IKE (Offscreen) An idea for a short story . . . (Sighing) about, um, tsch, people in Manhattan who, uh, who are constantly creating these real, uh, unnecessary neurotic problems for themselves 'cause it keeps them from dealing with, uh, more unsolvable, terrifying problems about, uh, the universe.
The camera pulls back, revealing Ike, sprawled out on his couch, holding the recorder's microphone to bis mouth. He continues to talk, fiddling with the microphone's wire as be thinks out loud.
IKE (Into the microphone, sighing) Um, tsch-it's , uh . . . well, it has to be optimistic. Well, all right, why is life worth living? That's a very good question. (Sighing) Um. (Clearing bis throat, then sighing again) Well, there are certain things I-I guess that make it worthwhile. (Sighing) Uh, like what? (Sighing again and scratching bis neck) Okay. Um, for me . . . (Sighing) oh, I would say . . . what, Groucho Marx,
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
to name one thing . . . uh, ummmm, and (Sighing) Willie Mays, and um, uh, the second movement of the Jupiter Symphony, and ummmm... (Exhaling) Louie Armstrong's recording of "Potatohead Blues" . .. (Sighing) umm, Swedish movies, naturally ... Sentimental Education by Flaubert . . . uh, Marion Brando, Frank Sinatra . . . (Sighing) ummm, those incredible apples and pears by Cezanne . .. (Sighing) uh, the crabs at Sam Wo's .. . tsch, uh (Sighing) Tracy's face . . .
Ike chuckles softly as sad, romantic music plays in the background. He puts down the microphone on his chest and sighs. He leans up on his elbow, thinking for a moment, then sits up. He puts the microphone on the coffee table and stands up. He walks across his living room to a cabinet. He opens a drawer, then another as, finally, be finds what he was looking for-Tracy's harmonica. He takes the harmonica out of its box, tossing the container onto the nearby dining-room table. He walks back to the couch, hesitating for a moment, then sitting down. Still holding the harmonica, he picks up the phone, then quickly puts it' down. He puts down Tracy 's present, then, determinedly, he picks up the phone again and dials a number. It's busy. He puts down the phone and, impulsively, gets up, grabbing bis jacket from a chair and running out of bis apartment. The music changes to a marchlike orchestration. Ike runs down a crowded sidewalk. He stops at a comer, trying to bail a taxi in the busy street. There
are no vacant cabs. Exasperated, Ike gestures his disgust with his hands, then begins to run again.
He's now on Second Avenue, in the Yorkville section of Manhattan. He stops running for a moment to catch his breath. Once again he tries to hail a cab in the truck-filled street. No luck. He starts to run again. The music continues. The camera shows an empty phone booth; Ike runs over to it. He puts a dime into the slot and dials. The number is still busy. He drops the receiver back and leaves the booth quickly. He continues to run, now past Gramercy Park, oblivious to the passers-by, the traffic, everything but getting to where he desperately wants to go. The camera shows the lobby of Tracy's apartment house, looking outside from its interior. A limousine is parked at the curb. The music changes to "But Not for Me" as Ike runs onto the screen. He looks inside the glass doors, breathing hard. He looks pleased.
Tracy, in a trim suit, is standing by the elevators, handing her luggage to a chauffeur. The driver leaves the building; Tracy takes a brush out of her purse and begins to run it through her hair. She brushes her hair for a moment, then stops, brush in hand, as she sees Ike standing outside. Ike walks inside the lobby while the chauffeur puts Tracy's suitcases into the limousine. Ike walks over to Tracy. The orchestration of "But Not for Me" is heard in the background. Ike looks at Tracy. She looks at him, playing with her brush's bristles.
IKE (Sighing) Hi.
TRACY (Sighing) Hi.
IKE Tsch, I ... He clears his throat.
TRACY What're you doing here?
IKE Tsch. (Sighing) Well, (Clearing his throat again) I ran. (Catching his breath, sniffling) Tsch, I-I tried to call you on the phone, but, uh ... it was busy, so (Inhaling) I know that was two hours' worth of . . . (Tracy chuckles) So then I couldn't get a taxi cab, so I ran. (Breathing heavily) Tsch . . . Where you going?
IKE (Reacting, looking away for a moment) You're going to London now? You mean if- What do you-what do you mean? If I-if I got over here two minutes later, you'd be-you'd be-you'd be ... going to London? (Tracy sighs and nods her bead; Ike sighs too) Well,
1-let me get right to the point then. (Clearing his throat) I don't think you oughta go. I think I made a big mistake. And I would prefer it if y-you didn't go.
TRACY (Sighing) Oh, Isaac.
IKE I-I mean it. I know it looks real bad now (Chuckling) but, uh ... you know-it, uh, uh, are you-are you seeing anybody? Are you going with anybody?
TRACY (Shaking her head) No.
IKE (Sighing and shrugging) So ... well... you st-st-st- Do you still love me or has that worn off or what?
TRACY (Sighing, reacting) Jesus, you pop up. You don't call me and then you suddenly appear. I mean ... what happened to that woman you met?
IKE Well-well, I'll tell you that-uh, it's-uh, Jesus, yeah, I don't see her anymore. I mean, you know, we say ... Look, I made a mistake. What do you want me to say? (Pausing) I don't think you oughta go to London. He sighs and takes a deep breath.
TRACY Well, I have to go. I mean, all the plans have been made, t-the arrangements. I mean, my parents are there now looking for a place for me to live.
IKE (Sighing) Tsch. W-well . . . uh, ah, do you still love me or-or what?
TRACY Do you love me?
IKE Well, yeah, that's what I-uh ... well, yeah, of course, that's what this is all about : you know.
TRACY Guess what? I turned eighteen the other day.
IKE Did you?
TRACY (Chuckling and nodding) I'm legal, but I'm still a kid.
IKE You're not such a kid. Eighteen years old. You know, you can- you can ... they could draft you. You know that in some countries, you'd be ... (Tracy smiles, then laughs softly. Ike moves a strand of hair away from her face) Hey . . . you look good.
TRACY You really hurt me.
IKE (Stroking Tracy's cheek) Uh, it was not on purpose . . . you know. I mean, I-I... uh, you know, I was ... yeah, I mean . .. you know, it was just-just the way I was looking at things then-
trracy (Interrupting) Well, I'll be back in six months.
IKE (Raising an eyebrow, reacting) Six months-are you kidding?! Six months you're gonna go for?
TRACY We've gone this long. Well, I mean, what's six months if we still love each other?
IKE (Nodding his head) Hey, don't be so mature, okay? I mean, six months is a long time. Six months. You know, you're gonna be- you're gonna be i-in-in-in the- . . . working in the theater there. You'll be with actors and directors. You know, you're ... you know, you go to rehearsal and you-you hang out with those people. You have lunch a lot. And, and (Clearing his throat and frowning) ... well, you know, attachments form and-and, you know, I mean, you-you don't wanna get into that kind of... I mean, you-you'll change. You know, you'll be-you'll be ... in six months you'll be a completely different person.
TRACY (Chuckling) Well, don't you want me to have that experience? I mean, a while ago you made such a convincing case.
IKE Tsch. Yeah, of course I do, but you know, but you could . . . you know, you-I mean, I-I just don't want that thing about you that I like to change.
An orchestration of "Rhapsody in Blue" begins in the background, the same music as in the beginning of the film.
tracy I've gotta make a plane.
IKE Oh, come on, you ... come on. You don't-you don't have to go.
TRACY Why couldn't you have brought this up last week? Look, six months isn't so long. (Pausing) Not everybody gets corrupted. (Ike stares at Tracy, reacting. He pushes back his glasses) Tsch. Look, you have to have a little faith in people.
Ike continues to stare at Tracy. He has a quizzical look on his face; be breaks into a smile.
And the "Rhapsody in Blue" orchestration swells. The film cuts to a magnificent skyline of Manhattan, the early-morning sun casting it almost in silhouette; the sun sets in another, a different, skyline, and, finally, Manhattan is
272 FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
shown at night, its buildings and bridges illuminated with thousands of lights. "Rhapsody in Blue" reaches a crescendo as the film cuts to a black background, white credits popping on and off the screen, while music from the film is heard . . .
Directed by woody allen
Written by woody allen and MARSHALL BRICKMAN
Produced by charles h. joffe
Executive Producer robert greenhut
Director of Photography gordon willis
Production Designer mel bourne
Costume Designer albert wolsky
Film Editor susan e. morse
A Jack Rollins-Charles H. Joffe Production "Manhattan" Copyright ¿ United Artists Corporation MCMLXXIX All Rights Reserved
Starring woody allen
DIANE KEATON MICHAEL MURPHY MARIEL HEMINGWAY MERYL STREEP ANNE BYRNE
KAREN LUDWIG MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE GARY WEIS KENNY VANCE TISA FARROW DAMION SHELLER WALLACE SHAWN HELEN HANFT BELLA ABZUG VICTOR TRURO
Casting juliet taylor
Music by george gershwin "Rhapsody In Blue" Performed by The New York Philharmonic
Music Adapted and Arranged by tom pierson Arranger for Buffalo Philharmonic don rose Audio Producer for the New York
Philharmonic andrew kazdin Music Recording Engineers ray moore
"Rhapsody In Blue" Piano Soloist paul jacobs
The New York Philharmonic Zubin Mehta, Music Director
Perform "Rhapsody In Blue" "Love Is Sweeping the Country" "Land of the Gay Caballero"
"Sweet and Low Down" "I've Got a Crush on You" "Do-Do-Do" " 'Swonderful" "Oh, Lady Be Good" "Strike Up the Band" "Embraceable You"
The Buffalo Philharmonic Michael Tilson Thomas, Music Director
Perform "Someone to Watch Over Me" "He Loves and She Loves" "But Not for Me"
Production Manager martin danzig Assistant Director fredric b. blankein Second Assistant Director joan spiegel feinstein Unit Supervisor michael peyser Script Supervisor kay chapin Production Office Coordinator jennifer ogden
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
Assistant to Mr. Alien gail sicilia
Location Auditor kathleen mcgill
Camera Operator fred schuler
Assistant Cameraman james hovey
Still Photographer brian hamill
Gaffer dusty wallace
Key Grip robert ward
Property Master leslie bloom
Carpenter joseph badaluco
Scenic Artists cosmo sorice
Transportation Captain james fanning
Set Decorator robert drumheller
Set Dressers justin scoppa jr.
Costumer clifford capone
Wardrobe Supervisor C. J. donnelly
Hair Stylist romaine greene
Makeup Artist fern buchner
Mr. Alien's Wardrobe by ralph lauren
Sound Mixer james sabat
Boom Man VITO ilardi
Re-recording Mixer jack higgins
Sound Editor dan sable
Assistant Film Editor michael r. miller
Assistant Sound Editor lowell mate
Casting Associates howard feuer
Extras Casting aaron beckwith casting
Unit Publicist scott macdonough
Production Accountants bernstein and freedman
Production Assistants robert e. warren
DGA Trainee lewis h. gould
WOODY ALLEN Isaac
diane keaton Mary
MICHAEL MURPHY Yale
MARIEL HEMINGWAY Tracy
MERYL STREEP Jill
ANNE BYRNE Emily
karen ludwig Connie
michael o'donoghue Dennis
victor truro Party Guest
tisa farrow Party Guest
helen hanft Party Guest
bella abzug Guest of Honor
gary W eis Television Director
kenny vance Television Producer
charles levin Television Actor #1
karen allen Television Actor #2
david rasche Television Actor #j
DAMIONSHELLER Ike's Son
wallace shawn Jeremiah
MARY linn baker Shakespearean Actor
frances conroy Shakespearean Actor
bill anthony Porsche Owner # 1
john doumanian Porsche Owner #2
waffles trained by Dan Animal Agency
Filmed in PanavisionR Prints by TechnicolorR
The story, all names, characters and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons is intended or should be inferred.
This motion picture is protected under the laws of the United States and other countries and its unauthorized distribution or exhibition may result in severe liability and criminal prosecution.
I.A.T.S.E. (emblem) (emblem) MOTION PICTURES ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA
FOUR FILMS OF WOODY ALLEN
The Producers gratefully acknowledge the cooperation of:
The City of New York
Mayor Ed Koch
Lieutenant Paul Glanzman
Museum of Modern Art
American Museum of Natural History
-Hayden Planetarium Whitney Museum of American Art Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum New York Shakespeare Festival Hunter College New York University Warner Bros. Music/New World
Music Chapell Music
The Motion Picture Code and Rating Has Rated This Motion Picture
Under 17 Requires Accompanying Parent or Adult Guardian (emblem) Motion Picture Association Of America
Screenplay by Woody Allen