CLUELESS
Suddenly, a dark
cloud settled over first period. I got
a C in debate?!
Thanks, man. You got my marker.
You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.
When I saw the
sparks between Tai and Travis, I knew Josh was out of the picture.
The
script in the following pages is totally owned by Paramount
Pictures. This is not being used for personal profit or gain, it is
strictly for those people who love the movie.
Film Credits pinched from the Internet Movie DatabaseDirected by Amy HeckerlingCAST:Alicia Silverstone.........Cher HorowitzStacey Dash................DionneBrittany Murphy............TaiPaul Stephen Rudd..........JoshDonald Adeosun Faison......MurrayElisa Donovan..............AmberBreckin Meyer..............TravisJeremy Sisto...............EltonDan Hedaya.................MelAida Linares...............LucyWallace Shawn..............Mr. HallTwink Caplan...............Miss GeistJustin Walker..............ChristianSabastian Rashidi..........ParoudasmHerb Hall..................PrincipalJulie Brown................Miss StoegerSusan Mohun................HeatherNicole Bilderback..........SummerRon Orbach.................DMV TesterSean Holland...............LawrenceRoger Kabler...............College GuyJace Alexander.............RobberJosh Lozoff................LoganCarl Gottlieb..............MinisterJoseph D. Reitman..........StudentAnthony Beninati...........BartenderMicki Duran................DancerGregg Russell..............DancerJermaine Montell...........DancerDanielle Eckert............DancerWritten by Jane Austen (novel Emma) Amy Heckerling Cinematography by Bill Pope Music by David Kitay Production Design by Steven J. Jordan Costume Design by Mona May Film Editing by Debra Chiate Produced by Barry M. Berg (co-producer) Twink Caplan (associate) Robert Lawrence (III) Scott Rudin Adam Schroeder (co-producer) Other crew Den Abraham..............set dresser Barry M. Berg............unit production manager Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up Richard Graves...........assistant director Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin William Hiney............art director Lawrence Karman..........camera operator Mark Kusy................set dresser James LaBarge............set dresser Alyson Dee Moore.........foley James Muro...............steadicam operator Wendy Murray.............set dresser Patricia Nedd............foley Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator Marcia Ross..............casting Daniel Silverberg........assistant director Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager Amy Wells................set decorator Diana Williams...........assistant director
OK, so here it is. The entire script to Clueless
including important actions,
songs from the soundtrack,
and my own personal comments.
Just hit the little speaker next to the character's name to hear the
lines from the movie (They're not
working yet). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I
enjoyed writing it. It's amazing the things you pick up when watching a scene
50 times. One thing: this is written by a hopelessly devoted and loyal Alicia
Silverstone fan, so some of the commentary may be biased. But, I figure if
you're reading this then you must have some interest her. Enjoy.
Any suggestions, errors, anything?! Please email me pacey578@rocketmail.com
SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE"Kids in America" The Muffs(Heaps of shots of the girls having fun)CHER Voice-over = V.O.
So
OK, you're probably thinking, "Is this, like a Noxema commercial, or
what?!" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage
girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out [S1]my
school clothes.
"Fashion Girl" David Bowie
Daddy's
a litigator[S2].
Those are the scariest [S3]kinds
of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid[S4],
is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour
just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his
daughter.
CHER
Daddy!
MEL
Cher,
please don't start with the juice again.
CHER
Daddy,
you need your vitamin C.
MEL
Where's
my briefcase?
CHER
It's
been a couple of months now, so I say we go out to Malibu.
MEL
Don't
tell me those braindead low-lifes have been calling again.
CHER
They
are your parents. And don't try sneaking
out [S5]of
the office. Dr. Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot[S6].
MEL
Oh,
Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.
CHER
Why?
MEL
Because
he's your step-brother!
CHER
But
you were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago. Why do
I have to see Josh?
(Watch those LIPS!!)
MEL
You
divorce wives, not children.
CHER
Here.
MEL
Forget
it!
SCENE II - CHER'S CAR
"Just a girl" No Doubt
CHER V.O.
Did
I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's got four wheel drive, dual
side airbags and monster sound system. I don't have a licence yet, but I need
something to learn on.
(Cher runs over a potted plant on the
curb)
Oh,
why that came out of nowhere[S7].
(Watch her face when she looks back at
the road)
Here's
where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have
people be jealous of us.
DIONNE
Dude!
CHER
Girlfriend!
CHER V.O.
And
I must give her snaps [S8]for
her courageous fashion efforts.
DIONNE
Hey
Cher.
Dionne
and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.
DIONNE
So?
CHER
Shopping
with Dr. Seuss?
DIONNE
Well,
at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my backpack.
CHER
It's
Faux.
DIONNE
Hello.
That was a stop sign!
CHER
I
totally paused!
DIONNE
Yeah,
OK.
SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY
DIONNE
It's
not even eight thirty and Murray
is paging [S9]me.
CHER
He
is so possessive[S10].
DIONNE
Tell
me about it. This weekend he called me up and he's all "Where were you
today?" and I'm like "I'm at my Grandmother's house"...
CHER V.O.
Dionne
and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've
seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times. Now I have to say to
her...
CHER
Dee,
why do you put up [S11]with
it? You could do so much better.
DIONNE
Alright,
sh, sh. Here he comes.
"Shoop" Salt n' Pepa
MURRAY
Woman,
why don't you be answering any of my pages?
DIONNE
I
hate when you call me Woman!
С
этого места запись
MURRAY
Where
you been all week? What's up? You been jeepin' around behind my back?
DIONNE
Jeepin'?
CHER
Jeepin'.
(Watch Cher closely. It's Classic!)
MURRAY
Jeepin',
jeepin'.
DIONNE
No,
but speaking of vehicular [S12]sex,
perhaps you can explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the
back seat of your car.
MURRAY
I
don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your stringy something
on others you got up here...
DIONNE
Excuse
me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike some people I know, like Shawanna.
CHER
Dee,
I'm audi (outie).
DIONNE
Bye.
MURRAY
Why
do you gotta go there?
DIONNE
That's
it. I've had it with you.
MURRAY
Is
it that time of the month again?
(Croud Gasps)
CHER V.O.
I
don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs.
You have to clean them and feed them and they're just like these nervous
creatures that jump and slobber [S13]all
over you.
(Random guy puts his arm around Cher)
Ooo! Get off
of me!
Uh, AS IF!
SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE
MR HALL
Should
all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con
position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.
So,
OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some
people
are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when
I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because
it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was
like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food,
squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more
the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange
some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may
I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?
(Class breaks into applause)
CHER
Thank
you very much.
MR HALL
Uh,
Amber? Replying?
AMBER
Mr.
Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some
little party.
CHER
Hello?!
It was his fiftieth birthday!
AMBER
Whatever.
If she doesn't do the assignment[S14],
I can't do mine.
MR HALL
Ladies.
So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton? Comments?
ELTON
Yeah,
I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do to the Quad before somebody snags [S15]it.
MR HALL
I'm
afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights?
TRAVIS
I
had an insight, Mr. Hall.
MR HALL
I'm
all ears.
TRAVIS
OK,
like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to
feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment [S16]my
Mom anymore, huh?
MR HALL
Yes.
Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is always a good
lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere.
TRAVIS
Thank
you.
MR HALL
And
with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you report cards. Now, is there a
Christian Stobich in
this class?
CHER
MR.
Hall? The buzz [S17]on
Christian is that his parents have joint custody[S18],
so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here. I think it
is a travesty [S19]on
the part of the legal profession.
(Look at Cher's face while speaking!
Ahhh, I can't take it anymore!)
MR HALL
Thank
you for that perspective Cher.
(Mr. Hall hands out the report
cards)
Now
could all conversations please come to a halt[S20]?
(Travis jumps up to the
window)
And
could the suicide attempts [S21]please
be postponed [S22]till
the next period?
TRAVIS
Must
die.
(After Cher, the most classic
character in the movie)
CHER V.O.
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in debate?!
SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY
CHER (on phone)
Dee?
DIONNE
Wassup?
CHER
Did
you get your report card?
DIONNE
Yeah,
I'm toast[S23].
How'd you do?
CHER
I
totally choked[S24].
My father is going to go ballistic on me.
DIONNE
(Cher and Dionne meet up in the hall)
He
gave me a C minus.
CHER
Well,
he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.
DIONNE
Bye.
CHER
I'll
call ya, OK?
DIONNE
Yeah.
SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
Isn't
my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972. Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke [S26]accident
during a routine liposuction[S27].
I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me.
CHER
Hey,
Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy[S28],
huh?
"Fake Plastic Trees (Acoustic Version)" Radiohead
Yuk!
Uh, the maudlin music of the University station.
CHER
Waa,
waa, waa.
(Cher enters the kitchen)
Yuh,
what is it about college and cry-baby music?
JOSH
Hey,
who's watching the Galleria?
So,
the flannel [S29]shirt
deal. Is that a nod [S30]to
the crispy [S31]Seattle
weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy)
Oo,
wow. You're filling [S32]out
there.
CHER
Wow.
Your face is catching up with your mouth.
JOSH
I
went by Dad's office.
CHER
He
is not your Dad. Why don't you torture [S33]a
new family.
JOSH
Hey,
just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father.
CHER
Actually,
Kato, that's exactly what it means.
(They enter the Lounge)
I
hope you're not thinking of staying here.
JOSH
I
sure want to.
CHER
I'm
sure you do.
JOSH
I've
got a place in Westwood, near School.
CHER
Shouldn't
you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all
particular.
JOSH
Hahaha,
you're funny.
(Josh changes the channel from Beavis
and Butthead to the News)
CHER
Hey!
God, you just got here and already you're playing couch Commando!
JOSH
Hey!
In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual, but in some parts,
it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
CHER
Thank
you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part
about Kenny G again?
MEL (From Dining Room)
C'mon
you chuckleheads, get in here!
(They move to the Dining Room)
Josh,
are you still growing[S34]?
You look taller than you did at Easter.
JOSH
I
don't think so.
MEL (to Cher)
Doesn't
he look bigger?
CHER
His
head does.
MEL
So,
Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law?
JOSH
Yeah,
you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.
MEL
What
for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
CHER
Oh,
Josh will have that no matter what he does.
At
least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good college. I'd like to see you
have a little bit of direction.
CHER
I
have direction.
JOSH
Yeah,
towards the mall.
MEL
Which
reminds me, where's your report card?
CHER
It's
not ready yet.
MEL
What
do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"
CHER
Well,
some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say,
"Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a
jumping off point to start negotiations.
MEL
Very
good.
(One of the mobile phones rings,
everyone answers their phone)
CHER
Dee?
JOSH
Yeah?
MEL
Hello?
Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon.
(Cher and Josh put their phones down)
CHER
You
are such a brown-noser.
JOSH
Oh,
and you are such a superficial[S35] space-cadet.
What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?
MEL (in background)
I
told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he understand? In the morning.
CHER
Only
the fact that I've done it every other semester.
SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES
"Shake some action" Cracker
CHER V.O.
I
told my P.E. teacher an evil male had broken my heart, so she raised my C to a
B.
CHER
I'm
so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't study.
MISS STOEGER
They're
slime[S36],
they're slime, I mean they're horrible, don't feel bad, don't feel bad, I know,
and you see they're all like this.
CHER V.O.
Then
I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing campaign to my congressman about
violations of the clean air act.
But
Mr. Hall was totally rigid[S37].
He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing[S38],
AS IF!
I
felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to find sanctuary[S39]
in a place where I could gather[S40]
my thoughts and regain[S41]
my strength[S42].
SCENE VIII - THE MALL
DIONNE
Dude,
what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse[S43]or
something?
(Watch Cher flick her head)
CHER
God,
no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've been shopping all day and I still
don't know what to do about Mr. Hall. I have tried everything to convince him
of my scholastic aptitude[S44],
but I was brutally rebuffed[S45].
DIONNE
Get
over it, OK. He's a miserable little man who wants to make everyone else
miserable too.
CHER
Dee,
that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely[S46] happy.
SCENE IX - SCHOOL
CHER V.O.
Here's
the four-one-one on Mr. Hall. He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor ducats
for a thankless job. What that man needs is a good healthy boink fest.
Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought[S47] in
our school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married,...
oooh Snickers... and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoeger
seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always Miss Giest.
Something told me not to discount Miss Giest. Well sure, she has runs in her
stockings, and her slip is always showing, and she always has more lipstick on
her teeth than her mouth. God, this woman is screaming for a makeover. I'm her
only hope.
(Cher is writing a note outside Miss
Giest's pidgeon hole)
DIONNE
Rough
winds do shake the darling buds[S48] of
May but thy eternal[S49] summer
shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that?
CHER
Duh,
it's like a famous quote.
DIONNE
From
where?
CHER
DIONNE
Oh.
(Travis and Miss Giest walk out of her
office toward where Cher and Dionne have split the scene)
MISS GIEST
I
know you're going to be better now. Now, you run along and I'll see you third
period and you will try to remember to bring your textbook.
TRAVIS
Uh,
OK.
(Miss Giest reads the note left by the
girls and her face brightens)
DIONNE
Oh,
my God! She actually looked happy!
CHER
Oooh,
classic!
(Scene changes to Mr. Hall's
classroom)
MR HALL
Paroudasm
Budapshawn, 16 tardies to work off.
(Paroudasm mutters something in Farsi
and his friends cheer)
CLASSMATES
Kisser!
MR HALL
Travis
Berkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class. Congratulations.
(The whole class cheers and applaudes.
Travis approaches the podium)
This
is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would
like to say this: Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many,
many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for
never giving me a ride to school, the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance
on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds
for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be
tardy.
Well,
if Mr. Berkenstock has no political messages to include in his speech, I'll go
on. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.
CHER
I
object! Do you recall[S52]
the dates of these alleged[S53]
tardies?
(Cher in lawyer mode. Legendary!)
MR HALL
One
was last Monday!
CHER
Mr.
Hall, I was surfing the crimson[S54] wave[S55],
I had to haul[S56]
ass to the ladies'.
MR HALL
I
assume your referring to women's troubles, and so I'll let that one slide.
CHER
Thank
you, Mr. Hall. Miss Giest was right about you.
MR HALL
What
do you mean?
CHER
Well,
she said that you were the only one in this school with any intelligence.
SCENE X - CHER'S HOUSE
MEL
Cher,
get in here!
CHER
Yes,
Daddy?
MEL
Would
you tell me what the hell this is?
CHER
Um,
a second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don't remember getting a first
notice.
MEL
The
ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know you could get tickets without a
licence.
CHER
Oh,
sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.
MEL
Oh,
is that so?
(Cher nods)
Well
not around here you can't. From this moment on, you will not drive, sit, do
anything in that jeep without a supervised driver present. And no cruisin'
around with Dionne, alright? Two permits do not equal a licence! Do I make
myself clear?
CHER
Yes,
Daddy.
MEL
Cher,
I expect you to become a good driver. I want to see you apply yourself.
CHER
I
will. I'm gonna practice real hard.
MEL
OK.
(The scene moves to the poolside)
A
licensed driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?
CHER
Hey,
granola breath, you got something on your chin.
JOSH
CHER
Oh,
that's good. You don't want to be the last one at the coffee house without chin
pubes[S58].
JOSH
I
can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours, but in the interest
of saving time, why don't you just tell me what you want.
CHER
OK.
So, actually, I have a permit and I can drive and all, but Daddy says I can't
take the jeep out without a licensed driver, and since your not doing anything
and all, you know?
JOSH
What
are the chances of you shutting up until you get your way?
CHER
Hmmm,
slim[S59] to
none. C'mon!
SCENE XI - CHER'S CAR
JOSH
Hey,
James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
CHER
I
am. You try driving in platforms.
Look,
I got to get back to school. Ah, you want to practice parking?
CHER
What's
the point? Everywhere you go has valet[S60].
What class you going to?
JOSH
Actually,
I'm going to a tree people meeting. Me might get Marky Mark
to plant a celebrity tree.
CHER
How
fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule
to plant trees? Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?
JOSH
You
know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a
contribution. In case you have never heard of that, a contribution[S61]is
the giving of...
CHER
Excuse
me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits[S62]
to Lucy...
JOSH
time...
funds...
CHER
And as soon as I get my license I
fully intend to brake for animals,
and I have contributed many hours helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Which
I'll bet serves your interest more than theirs. You know, if I ever saw you do
something that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
CHER
Oh,
that'd be reason enough for me.
SCENE XII - SCHOOL
CHER
Would
you call me selfish?
DIONNE
No.
Not to your face.
CHER
Really?
DIONNE
What's
wrong? Is Josh giving you shit because he's going through his post-adolescent[S63]
idealistic phase?
CHER
Look,
there's Mr. Hall.
(The girls run over to Mr. Hall)
Mr.
Hall, Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, um, do you drink coffee?
MR HALL
Well,
not from this cafeteria. But, uh, yes under normal circumstances.
CHER
Well,
I am such a retard[S64].
When I was packing Daddy's lunch this morning I gave him my lemon Snapple, and
I took his sucky Italian roast. Do you want it?
MR HALL
Are
you sure you don't want it?
CHER
Duh,
it might stunt[S65] my
growth[S66].
I wanna be 5'10" like Cindy Crawford. But I thought maybe you and Miss
Giest might like it?
DIONNE
Maybe
you can share it?
MR HALL
Well,
uh, thanks.
CHER
Sure.
(To Dionne)
Hmm?
(Outside Miss Giest's office, she opens the door)
CHER & DIONNE
Miss
Giest!
MISS GIEST
Hi
girls. Did you sign up for the environmental[S67] fair[S68]?
DIONNE
Oh,
yeah, we will.
CHER
You
have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them. And these clips are so cute.
DIONNE
And
this tiny little waist[S69].
Oooh, wow.
MISS GIEST
Girls.
Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.
DIONNE
Notd a totdal bettdy[S70],
butd
a vast[S71] improvement[S72].
CHER
Well,
we did our best.
DIONNE
Mmmm,
Hmmm.
CHER
We
gotta book it if we're going to make it to P.E.
(Scene moves outside)
C'mon,
Dee.
DIONNE
Ohh,
I feel like failing[S73],
dude, c'mon.
CHER
I
know what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a heifer[S74].
I had two bowls of special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of
popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and like, three pieces of licorice.
DIONNE
(Gasp) Oh, my God. Look. Is that
a photo op, or what?
CHER
Will
you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That's
an unequivocal[S75]
sex invite.
DIONNE
Oh,
Cher, he's getting her digits.
Look at Giest, she is so cute.
CHER
Ohh,
old people can be so sweet.
"Change" Lightning Seeds
(The following scenes show Miss Giest and Mr. Hall get it on while
everyone is thanking Cher.)
CHER V.O.
The
entire[S76] student
body was utterly[S77] grateful
for the improvement in their grades.
SCENE XIII - CHER'S HOUSE
MEL
Cher,
what's this all about?
CHER
My
report card?
MEL
The
same semester?
CHER
Uh-huh.
MEL
What'd
you do? Turn in some extra-credit reports?
CHER
No.
MEL
You
take the mid-terms over?
CHER
Uh-uh.
You
mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
CHER
Totally
based on my powers of persuasion[S78].
You proud?
MEL
Honey,
I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
CHER
Thank
you.
MEL
SCENE XIV - SCHOOL P.E.
"Girls Just
Wanna Have Fun" Robert Hazard
CHER V.O.
I
felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds[S80].
(Dionne sneezes)
CHER
Dee,
when your allergies act up, take out your nose-ring.
MISS STOEGER
Follow...
through! There you go, there you go. All right, Cher. Earth to Cher! Come in
Cher!
CHER
Oh.
Miss Stoeger? I would just like to say that physical education in this school
is a disgrace[S81].
I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I
doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.
(Class cheers)
MISS STOEGER
Well,
you certainly exercised your mouth Cher. Now, hit the ball.
(Ball flies by, inches from Cher's
nose)
CHER
Miss
Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
Thanks
for the legal advice.
(Cher returns to line)
Dionne?
You're up.
DIONNE
Uh,
no, Miss Stoeger? I have a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer
it if I didn't expose[S82]
myself to any training that might derail[S83] his
teachings.
MISS STOEGER
Fine!
Amber?
AMBER
Miss
Stoeger. My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly
at my nose.
DIONNE
Well,
there goes your social life.
(Girls giggle. Principal walks onto
the scene)
PRINCIPAL
Miss
Stoeger? Got another one. Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai
Frasier.
MISS STOEGER
Tai,
you don't have time to change, but you could hit a few balls in those clothes.
AMBER
She
could be a farmer in those clothes.
CHER
Dee,
my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless.
We have got to adopt her.
DIONNE
Cher,
she is toe-up. Our stock would plummet[S84].
CHER
Dee,
don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?
DIONNE
No.
CHER
(Motions to Tai)
C'mere.
Yeah, c'mere. Hang with us.
TAI
Oh,
thank you.
CHER
How
do you like California?
TAI
Man,
I am freakin'. I could really use some sort of a herbal refreshment?
DIONNE
Well,
we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.
TAI
No
shit! You guys got Coke here?
DIONNE
Well,
yeah.
CHER
Yeah,
this is America.
(Scene changes to the girls walking
down main path)
"Unknown song and artist"
CHER V.O.
So,
we decided to show Tai the ropes[S85] at
Bronson Alcott High School.
CHER
That
is Alana's group over there. They do the T.V. station. They think that's the
most important thing on Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang
with them unless you own a BMW. And there's Elton in the white vest, and all
the most popular boys in the school.
DIONNE
Including
my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
If
you make the decision to date a high school boy, they are the only acceptable
ones.
TAI
Cher,
which one of them is your boyfriend?
CHER
As
if!
DIONNE
Cher's
got attitude about high school boys.
CHER
It's
a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself.
(Murray approaches the girls)
Woman,
lend me five dollars.
DIONNE
Murray,
I have asked you repeatedly not to call me Woman!
MURRAY
Excuse
me, Miss Dionne.
DIONNE
Thank
you.
MURRAY
OK,
but street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the
feminine pronouns do have mocking[S86],
but not necessarily in a misogynistic[S87]
undertone.
(Murray hops away)
TAI
Wow!
You guys talk like grown-ups.
CHER
Oh,
well, this is a really good school.
TAI
I'm
gonna go get a soda. You guys want?
CHER
Sure.
TAI
Alright.
DIONNE
She's
nice.
CHER
Oooh,
project!
(I can't put that cute little squeal[S88] into words)
(Scene changes to inside cafeteria)
"My Iron Lung" Radiohead
TRAVIS (To
food)
Oh,
wow. That's disgusting[S89].
(To Tai)
That's
nice representation[S90].
TAI
Thanks.
Those are really nice stickers[S91].
TRAVIS
Oh,
you like 'em? See, I was thinking it was too cluttered[S92].
You know, I wanna wipe all of this out and concentrate on one main decorative
statement. Like, uh, Marvin the Martian. Right there.
TAI
Get
out a town! I can do Marvin the Martian.
TRAVIS
Really?
TAI
Well,
I mean, there's not really a lot to him. But, you wanna see?
TRAVIS
Yeah.
TAI
Here.
TRAVIS
Oh,
wow! That's really cool.
TAI
Thanks.
TRAVIS
You
drew that?
TAI
Yeah,
and wait, I got... one here.
TRAVIS
You
didn't trace this?
TAI
Uh-uh.
No. Here's another one over here. And,lots of little guys.
TRAVIS
That
is so cute!
TAI
I
love to draw.
TRAVIS
You're
really good at it.
TAI
No.
TRAVIS
Yeah,
really you are.
TAI
No.
TRAVIS
Yeah!
(Scene changes to outside)
DIONNE
Are
you sure that's fat free?
CHER
Oh,
yes. And you lose wait by doing it like this. Like really small.
(Dionne giggles/hisses)
It's
true.
TAI
I
met a really cool guy.
CHER
Describe!
TAI
Alright,
he's got long hair, he's really funny, and straight off, right? He offers me
some smoke. There he is!
CHER
Are
you talking about drugs?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
Tai,
how old are you?
TAI
I'll
be sixteen in May.
CHER
My
birthday is in April, and as someone older, can I please give you some advice?
(Tai nods)
It
is one thing to spark up a dubie and get laced at parties, but it is quite
another to be fried all day.
DIONNE
Do
you see the distinction[S93]?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
Loadies
generally hang on the grassy knoll[S94] over
there.
"unknown song and artist"
guitarish
Sometimes
they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no
respectable girl actually dates them.
DIONNE
Hmm-mm.
You
don't want to start off on the wrong foot, do you?????????????
(TAI shakes her head)
I've
got an idea. Let's do a makeover!
(Dionne lights up)
TAI
No,
no.
DIONNE
Oh,
c'mon! Let us! Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover. OK, it gives her a
sense of control on a world full of chaos.
CHER
Pleeeaaase.
(How could anyone resist[S95] that?!)
TAI
Sure.
Why not? Shit! You guys! I have never had straight friends before.
SCENE XV - MAKE-OVER AT CHER'S HOUSE
"Supermodel" Jill Sobule
(Various scenes of Cher and Dionne
making over Tai, then Cher and Tai working out in the lounge room)
CHER
Squeeze
in.
TAI
Cher,
I don't wanna do this any more, and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like
steel.
CHER
OK,
it will get easier, I promise. Just as long as we do it every day. Not just
sporadically.
TAI
How
do you know if we're doing it sporadically?
CHER
That's
another thing, Tai. We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See,
sporadic means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.
TAI
Alright.
CHER
OK,
from now on we're alternating Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and
"Buns of Steel", and reading one non-school book a week. My first
book is "Fit or Fat".
TAI
Mine
is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
CHER
Good.
Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good
for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.
(Josh walks in)
JOSH
Hey,
brainiac.
CHER
Uh,
the dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.
JOSH
Nice
to meet ya.
CHER
Hey!
You know about this stuff. I want to do something good for humanity.
JOSH
How
about sterilization?
(Tai cracks up. Cher and Josh enter
the kitchen)
CHER
So,
what do ya think?
JOSH
I'm
amazed.
CHER
That
I'm devoting[S96] myself
so generously to someone else?
JOSH
No,
that you've found someone even more clueless than you are to worship[S97]
you.
CHER
I
am rescuing[S98] her
from teenage hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence[S99] can
take years to heal[S100]?
JOSH
Yeah,
and you've never had a mother so you're acting out on that poor girl as if she
was your Barbie doll.
CHER
Freshman
psych[S101] rears
it's ugly head
JOSH
Hey,
I am not taking psych.
CHER
Whatever.
I am going to take that lost soul in there and make her welldressed and
popular. Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that
about you?
(Josh and Cher walk back to the lounge
where Tai is watching T.V. and singing along with the "Mentos" ad.
God I hate those ads!)
JOSH
Be
seein' ya.
TAI
Yeah,
I hope not sporadically.
SCENE XVI - SCHOOL
CHER
Oh,
my God. Do you see how boys are responding? My heart is totally
bursting[S102].
DIONNE
I know. I'm kvelling!
(Travis approaches)
TRAVIS
Cher,
you have Timor, right?
CHER
Giest.
TRAVIS
Hey,
Tai! Did you get a flyer?
TAI
Uh-uh.
TRAVIS
Here.
TAI
Thanks.
Wow, a party!
CHER
It's
in the Valley. The cops usually break 'em up in less than an hour, and it takes
that long to get there.
DIONNE
And
besides, it's just local loadies.
TAI
Do
you guys think that Travis is gonna be there?
DIONNE
Tai,
I thought we moved on from there.
CHER
Don't
sell yourself short now. You've got something going for you that no one in this
school has.
TAI
Oh,
I'm not a virgin.
CHER
I
mean mystery. As far as everyone is concerned you were the most popular girl in
your school, and the fact that you hang with Dee and I, well...
DIONNE
Speaks
very highly of you.
CHER
If
you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want.
TAI
Like
who?
CHER
Let's
see. Who's available? There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with
Collette.
DIONNE
Oh,
yes!
TAI
Who's
Elton?
DIONNE
Oh,
my God. He's way popular. He's like the social director of the crew.
CHER
Yeah,
and his Dad can get you into any concert, and I noticed him scoping[S103] you
out.
TAI
He
was looking at me?
CHER
He
said you gave him a toothache.
TAI
How'd
I do that?
CHER
It's
an expression. It means he thought you were sweet.
TAI
Yeah?
CHER
Yeah.
TAI
Wow.
DIONNE
Is
that true?
CHER
No.
DIONNE
Oh,
you are so bad.
(Scene moves to fountain where Cher is
taking pictures of the crew)
"Alright" Supergrass
CHER
Ok,
you guys, all get together. Oh, that is great. Smile! Tai, Tai, get a little
closer. Closer Tai. Good, great! Hey, Elton, uh, why don't you put
your arm around Tai?
ELTON
(Unwillingly) Alright!
CHER
Yeah,
that's great.
(Check out Cher's little smile and
rock! Awesome!)
OK.
Tai, c'mere, c'mere, Tai.
(Scene moves to just Cher and Tai by
bushes)
Hold
that.
TAI
OK.
CHER
OK.
(Elton approaches.)
ELTON
Cool
picture.
CHER
Doesn't
she look classic?
ELTON
Yeah,
this is beautiful.
CHER
She
looks like one of those Botticelli
chicks.
ELTON
Hey,
why don't you make me a copy of this, OK?
CHER
Sure.
(Another one of Cher's little squeals[S104]. Classic!)
SCENE XVII - CHER'S HOUSE, DINING ROOM
CHER
Hi
Daddy. This is my friend, Tai.
MEL
Get
out of my chair!
(Tai moves to opposite Cher. Lucy
brings in dinner.)
CHER
Thank
you, Lucy. It looks great.
MEL
CHER
Daddy,
it's from the "Cut your Colesterol" cook book. Doctor Lovitz says
you've got to get down to two hundred.
(Cher's pager beeps.)
MEL
No
calls tonight.
CHER
But
it's Dionne, it might...
MEL
Sorry!
CHER
It
might be important.
MEL
We're
going to have a nice family dinner. So, uh, what'd you do at school today?
CHER
Well...
I broke in my purple clogs[S106].
(Mel's phone rings.)
MEL
Yeah,
hello? Alright, Jake. Yeah, yeah, no, no, what?
CHER
Dee?
Whatup?
DIONNE
So,
check it. Murray's geometry class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up
inside was the picture you took of Tai.
CHER
Oh,
my God.
TAI
What?
CHER
Elton's
got a picture of you hanging up in his locker.
TAI
Oh,
no shit!
DIONNE
Hello!
So, anyway, the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.
CHER
Bye.
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
Looks
like we're going to have to make a cameo[S107] at
the Val party.
MEL (in background)
I
told you I want it in the morning. No!
SCENE XVIII - MURRAY'S CAR
DIONNE
Murray!
MURRAY
Just
look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north.
DIONNE
OK,
no. All I see is Bel Air, OK.
MURRAY
Then
you're on the wrong map.
DIONNE
I
am not on the wrong map.
MURRAY
Look
at the number on the top. What is the number on the top?
DIONNE
There
are no numbers on the top. There's letters.
(Murray makes a frustrated noise.)
DIONNE
Murray,
shut up!
CHER
Please
don't friz out!
SCENE XIX - THE VAL PARTY
(The gang pull up outside the party.)
Listen
Tai, when we get there make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first.
Look like you're having fun and you're really popular.
Talk to someone in his eye line, preferably a guy.
Make him come to you, and find an excuse to leave while he's still into the
conversation. The key is, always have him wanting[S108] more.
You got it?
TAI
I
got it.
CHER
OK.
TRAVIS
Heads
up!
(Does a rail slide with his skateboard
on the stair-rail.)
TAI
Oh,
did you just see that?!
CHER
Oh,
God. Skateboards, that is like, so five years ago.
TRAVIS
Oh,
you guys came! That's great! You want a beer? I'll get you one.
CHER (to Tai)
No.
(The girls enter the party house.)
"Unknown song and artist"
TAI
CHER
Let's
do a lap[S110] before
we commit[S111] to
a location.
(Dionne drags a dancing girl away from
Murray.)
DIONNE
Who
was that?!
TAI
Cher,
ain't that the same dress that you was wearin' yesterday?
CHER
Say,
Ambular?
AMBER
Hi.
CHER
Was
that you going through my laundry?
AMBER
As
if. Like I would really wear something from Judy's.
CHER
Do
you prefer fashion victim[S112] or
ensembly challenged[S113]?
(Amber walks off.)
AMBER
Uh!
CHER
What
a clone.
TAI
Cher,
you looked much better in that dress than she did.
(Travis bursts onto the scene spilling
drink on Cher's shoes.)
CHER
Uh!
Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?!
TRAVIS
I'm
sorry.
(They move to the kitchen.)
CHER
Excuse
me, my shoes! Uh! This is so not fixable.
TRAVIS
It's
a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make amends[S114].
How about some chronic shit?
CHER
Oh,
it's the least you could do.
TAI
Spark
it.
CHER
Hey,
Elton's over there. Act like Travis is saying something funny.
(Tai hands joint to Cher and blows
smoke in her face.)
TAI
Sorry.
(Tai starts cracking up.)
TRAVIS
What's
so funny?
TAI
Nothing.
(Elton approaches and reaches behind
Cher for the joint)
CHER
Oh,
here.
(Summer enters holding a card)
SUMMER
Hey,
everyone! Let's play suck and blow.
(The card passes through the group
until Elton drops it (on purpose) and plants one right on Cher's mouth)
CHER
God,
Elton. Can you suck?
(Dionne screams in the background)
It's
Dee. C'mon!
(Scene changes to the bathroom, where
Murray is getting his head shaved)
DIONNE
What
have you done! Oh, my God! Uh! Why did you do this to your head?!
MURRAY
Because
I'm keeping it real. Because I'm keeping it real.
DIONNE
What?!
MURRAY
'Cause
I'm keeping it... 'cause I'm keeping it real.
DIONNE (to Cher)
Look!
Look what he's done to his head! Can you believe this?
MURRAY
Look
at Lawrence's head. Alright?
LAWRENCE
It's
the bomb!
MURRAY
You
know what I'm sayin'? You look good.
LAWRENCE
As
will you.
DIONNE
What'd
you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was
a big mistake. What am I going to do with you now? And right before the year
book pictures? What am I going to tell my grandchildren?
MURRAY
Alright.
DIONNE
You
know what? Ok, that's it.
MURRAY (mimicking)
That's
it.
DIONNE
You
wanna play games?
MURRAY (mimicking agin)
You
wanna play games?
DIONNE
I'm
calling your mother.
MURRAY
I'm...
I'm ca... Oh, wait! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't call my Ma.
LAWRENCE
Yo,
man. Chill, chill!
MURRAY
Chill?!
(Cher and Tai start walking away)
CHER
Same
thing happened at the spring dance. She spent the entire after-party in the
bathroom.
TAI
See,
that almost destroyed by buzz.
CHER
I'm
still baked.
TAI
Yeah.
(Back to the dance floor.)
"Rollin' With My Homies"
Coolio
CHER
What
do ya say, we go bump into people?
TAI
Yeah,
I'm cool with that.
TRAVIS (from on the fireplace)
Hey,
Tai! Wait up! Whooh!
(Travis jumps onto the crowd. No one
keeps him up and he hits the deck.)
TAI
Are
you OK?
TRAVIS (to dancers)
Where's
your sense of pit hospitality?
TAI
That
was so cool, the way you did that. I wish I could do it.
TRAVIS
Oh,
no, don't.
TAI
Why
not?
TRAVIS
Well,
'cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?
TAI
I
don't know, like stuff. You know?
TRAVIS
What
kind of stuff?
(Cher spots Travis tuning Tai and butts in[S115] to stop it)
CHER
Tai,
I need you.
TAI
OK.
CHER
Elton's
over there.
(The girls start dancing. As Tai is
trying to impress Elton a flying Clog hits her in the head)
CHER
Tai!
Tai, Elton, help me!
(Elton carries Tai into the kitchen
and places her on the counter)
CHER
Thank
you.
TRAVIS
Here,
you should use ice.
CHER
No,
Travis! We've got it under control.
TRAVIS
Tai,
are you OK?
CHER
Travis,
Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party.
CHER
If
it's a concussion[S116],
you have to keep her concious, OK? Ask her questions.
ELTON
What's
seven times seven?
CHER
Stuff
she knows!
(Tai sits up and hits her head on the
light. What a
clutz!)
ELTON
Some
bump you've got there.
TAI
Yeah.
ELTON
Yeah?
You ready to go back out there?
TAI
Yeah,
I am.
ELTON
Alright.
Are you sure? Can you do this? (Singing)
Rollin' with the homies.
TAI
(Singing) Rollin' with the homies.
(Great voice.)
ELTON
Yeah,
let's do it. You're ready.
(Elton and Tai go back to the dance
floor.)
CHER V.O.
I
had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great.
Love was everywhere. Even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's
like that book I read in ninth grade that said, "'tis a far, far better
thing doing stuff for other people."
(Scene changed to outside by the pool.
Cher's phone rings.)
CHER
Hello?
MEL
Do
you know what time it is?
CHER
A
watch really doesn't go with this outfit[S117],
Daddy.
MEL
Where
are you?
CHER
Uuhh,
just having a snack with my girlfriends.
MEL
Where,
in Kuwait?!
CHER
Is
that in the Valley?
MEL
Cher,
I expect you to walk in this door in twenty minutes.
CHER
Well,
um, it might take longer than that, Dad.
MEL
Everywhere
in L.A. takes twenty minutes.
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
(Scene changes to outside front of
party house.)
CHER
Sorry
to make you leave, Dionne is bucking[S118] for
best dramatic actress at a Val party.
(Tai laughs.)
CHER
Hey,
Summer!
SUMMER
Hi!
Pretty random fiesta. Need a ride home?
CHER
That'd
be great! Thanks!
ELTON
No,
I got it.
SUMMER
Well,
I'm right below Wilshire and Lindon.
TAI
Oh,
that's right near me! I'm, um, above Olympic.
ELTON
Great!
Then, Tai you'll go with Summer, and Cher you'll come with me.
CHER
Actually,
you could take Wilshire to Cannon and that turns into Bennedict.
ELTON
Well,
then she'd have to go back south and I'm already going north.
CHER
But,
you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset. Yeah.
ELTON
That
doesn't make any sense! I'd have to get off the freeway, I hate that. Tai, go
with Summer, Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet.
(Each get into respective cars and
wave each other goodbye.)
SCENE XX - ELTON'S CAR
"Away" The Cranberries
(Elton is singing along to music.
Trying to be sexy, but he fails miserably,
the sleazy[S119] bastard!)
CHER
Didn't
Tai look cute tonight?
(Elton just sings.)
I
really love her hair when it's all wild, you know? But it's also very pretty
when it's all up, with that curly tendrils. Like in that picture I took.
ELTON
You
know, you're one of my best friends and I do not have friends that are girls.
CHER
Well,
I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.
ELTON
It
does?
CHER
Sure.
I mean, I saw how hard your breakup with Collette was.
ELTON
Yeah.
I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.
CHER
Whatever.
The thing is, is that I'd really like to see you settled[S120] already.
(Elton pulls the car into a parking
lot.)
Where
are we going?
(The car stops.)
ELTON
I
knew it, I knew it.
(Elton makes a pass at Cher.)
CHER
Oooh,
you knew what?!
ELTON
That
you were totally sprung on me.
CHER
Hello?!
Don't you mean Tai?
ELTON
Tai?!
CHER
You
have her picture in your locker.
ELTON
I
have the picture you took in my locker.
CHER
Ohh,
I'm having a twin peaks experience.
ELTON
I
knew it, I knew it when you kissed me.
CHER
Suck
and Blow is a game, Elton!
(Elton has another go at Cher.)
Stop
it!
ELTON
Alright!
You know, I don't get you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.
CHER
As
if! I have been tryng to get you together with Tai.
ELTON
Tai?!
Why would I go with Tai?
CHER
Why
not?
ELTON
Why
not? Why not?! Don't you even know who my father is?
CHER
You
are snob and a half.
ELTON
Cher,
listen to me. Me and Tai, I mean, we don't make any sense, right? Me and you,
well, makes sense.
(Elton tries for Cher, yet again.)
CHER
Cut
it out!
ELTON
C'mon.
CHER
Stop
it!
(Cher gets out of the car.)
(Watch Cher compose herself after
getting out of the car. i.e. the head movements and sound effects.)
ELTON
Cher?!
Where are you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby. C'mon, you gonna
walk home? Would you get back in the car, please? Get back in the car.
CHER
Leave
me alone!
ELTON
Fine!
(Elton drives away.
What a prick[S121]!)
CHER
Hey,
where are you going? Shit!
(Cher whips out[S122] the phone and dials)
OPERATOR
Valley
information.
CHER
Yeah,
do you have the number of a cab company?
OPERATOR
Which
one?
CHER
I
don't know which one. What do you have out here?
OPERATOR
We
have Valley Cabs...
ROBBER
Hand
it over.
(Cher squeals/moans)
Give
me the phone.
(Cher complies)
OK.
Bag, too. C'mon! Alright, now, uh, get down on the ground. Face down.
C'mon!
CHER
Oh,
no. You don't understand, this is an Alaia.
ROBBER
An
a-what-a?
CHER
It's
like a totally important designer.
ROBBER
And
I will totally shoot you in the head. Get down!
(Cher whimpers as she lies down on the
pavement)
Alright,
um, count to a hundred. Thank you.
CHER
One,
two...
CHER V.O.
The
evening had turned into a royal mess. Sexually
harassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call
Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was. There was just one
person left to call, and I really, really didn't want to call him.
(Cher dials up Josh's place. He's
trying to get it on with his girlfriend)
JOSH
C'mon.
(Phone rings)
Hello.
CHER
Josh,
you busy?
HEATHER
Who
is it?
JOSH
It's
Mel's daughter.
CHER
So,
OK, I was at this party, and my designated[S123] driver
tried to attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped, and then he drove off
and deserted[S124] me,
and then this guy with a gun held me up,
took my money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my
dress.
JOSH
OK,
OK, look, um. Where are you?
CHER
Sun
Valley.
JOSH
Man,
you owe me.
SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR
"The Ghost in You" Counting
Crows
HEATHER
The
man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought in his little, puny[S125] brain.
JOSH
I
think there's some merit[S126] in
learning the form straight off.
Oh, Josh, please. He's taken our minds at the most fecund point, and restrained them before they've wandered through the garden of ideas. It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self, be true."
CHER
Ah, no, uh, Hamlet didn't say that.
HEATHER
I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
CHER
Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.
(Josh laughs and Heather gives him a dirty look)
(The car pulls up outside Heather's place. Heather gets out of the car)
JOSH
I'm gonna walk Heather to her door. Try and stay out of trouble.
(Josh runs up to Heather's door and kisses her goodnight)
CHER V.O.
Ew. My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.
SCENE XXII - CHER TELLING TAI
CHER V.O.
I didn't know what I was gonna say to Tai. I felt really nervous. Even Fabion, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.
(Scene moves to girls locker room)
TAI
It's my hips, isn't it?
DIONNE
No, of course not.
CHER
Don't be stupid, you can do so much better.
DIONNE
He thinks he's all that, Tai.
CHER
Yeah, God's gift.
DIONNE
You're too good for him.
TAI
If I'm too good for him then how come I'm not with him?
CHER
I have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth, go to the mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.
TAI
Oh, you guys.
(Group hug)
(Scene changes to girls in a diner. A waiter walks past)
"My Forgotten Favorite" Velocity Girl
DIONNE
Look at him! Ooh, baby.
TAI
Break
me off a piece of that.
CHER
Survey says?
TAI
Doable.
DIONNE
Puny. I like 'em big.
CHER
Ooh, I hate muscles.
TAI
You know I don't really care either way. Oh, just as long as his you-know-what isn't that crooked. I really hate that.
CHER
What?
DIONNE
Shh. Don't scare her.
TAI
Why? What's wrong?
DIONNE
Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.
TAI 
Cher, you're a virgin?!
CHER
God, you say that like it's a bad thing.
DIONNE
Besides, the P.C. term is hymenally challenged.
CHER
I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.
TAI
(giggling) Yeah.
CHER
You're not one to talk, Dee.
TAI
Oh, wait a minute here! Wait. Wait, I thought that, like you and Murray, right?
DIONNE
My man is satisfied, he's got no cause for complaints, but technically, I am a virgin. You know what I mean.
("Rollin' With My Homies" comes on the radio)
TAI
Oh, God.
CHER
What's wrong, Tai?
TAI
They're playing our song. You know, the one Elton and I danced to. (Singing) Rollin' with my homies.
DIONNE
Ohh, Tai, don't cry.
TAI
I'm sorry. Oh, God.
(Tai starts crying and banging her head on the table)
DIONNE
Stop!
CHER V.O.
I could tell Tai's grieving period would be considerable unless I found someone to take Elton's place right away.
"All The Young Dudes" World Party
(Scene changes to bunch of school guys walking up the path)
So,
OK. I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how
guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and
put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair, Ew! And cover it up with a
backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!
SCENE XXIII - SCHOOL
CHER V.O.
Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
(Christian appears in the doorway of the classroom)
(Cher starts getting all hot and heavy, (boy does she look hot!) and whispers to herself:)
CHER
Damn.
MR HALL
So, this must be the elusive Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Where should I park?
MR HALL
There's one, third back.
CHER V.O.
OK, OK. Now, I know I said I'd find a guy for Tai, but I suppose there's no harm in finding one for myself also.
(Cher accidently/on purpose drops her pen. Christian sees the cue and picks up her pen. He gets a great view of Cher's legs!)
CHRISTIAN
Nice stems.
CHER
Thanks.
MR HALL
Cher?
CHER
Present.
MR HALL
I guess we established that during attendence. It's time for your oral.
CHER
Excuse me?
MR HALL
Your original oral. The topic is violence in the media.
CHER
Oh!
(Cher approaches the podium)
So,
OK, the Attorney General says there is too much violence on T.V. and that
should stop. But even if you took out all the 
violent shows,
you could still see the news. So, until mankind is peaceful enough not to have
violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it
for entertainment value. Thank you.
(The class applaudes Cher)
MR HALL
Any comments?
(Elton raises his hand)
Elton?
ELTON
My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?
(Mr. Hall ignores him.)
MR HALL
Travis?
TRAVIS
Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.
(Travis is a cool dude)
AMBER
Hello?! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.
CHER
I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.
(Bell rings)
(Christian gets up and stops at Cher's desk)
CHRISTIAN
I dug it.
"Unknown song and artist" (some bloody rap song)
CHER V.O.
During the next few days I did what any normal girl would do. I sent myself love letters, and flowers, and candy, just so he'd see how desired I was, in case he didn't already know.
(Cher hands around her candy)
CHER
Christian.
CHER V.O.
And, anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex.
CHRISTIAN
Hey,
Dutchess.
CHER
Yes?
CHRISTIAN
You rashin' this weekend?
CHER
Huh?
CHRISTIAN
Like, Saturday. I'm new, but I thought maybe you had it in on the heavy clam bakes.
CHER
Well, my ex-step brother's friends are having a party.
CHRISTIAN
Solid!
[┘][XXII┘][ XXIII┘]
SCENE XXIV - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
Suddenly,
Daddy had a case that had to be solved[S127] right
away, so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through gazillion depositions[S128].
(The doorbell rings)
CHER (from upstairs)
Daddy!
MEL
What?
CHER
I
can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while.
MEL
Then
he can wait outside.
CHER
Josh,
pleeeaaase!
(Who could resist that?!)
C'mon,
Josh? C'mon.
(Josh opens the door. Christian walks
right in)
CHRISTIAN
What
do ya hear?
JOSH
She's
not ready.
(The two of them walk over to where
Mel is working)
CHRISTIAN
Hey,
man.
(Christian extends his hand, but Mel
ignores it)
Nice
pile[S129] of
bricks you got here.
MEL
You
drink?
CHRISTIAN
No,
thanks. I'm cool.
MEL
I'm
not offering, I'm asking you if you drink? You think I'd give alcohol to
teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
CHRISTIAN
Hey,
man. The protective vibe, I dig.
MEL
What's
with you kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening
in the Rat Pack?
(Cher're appears walking down the
stairs. Josh and
every male in the audience is stunned)
CHER
Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Doll
face.
CHER
Handsome.
CHRISTIAN
Stunning.
JOSH (to Mel)
You're
not letting her go out like that, are ya?
MEL
Cher,
get in here.
CHER
What's
up, Daddy?
MEL
What
the hell is that?
CHER
A
dress.
MEL
Says
who?
CHER
Calvin
Klein.
MEL
It
looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something over it.
CHER
Duh,
I was just going to.
(Cher runs off)
MEL
Hey,
you?!
(Christian turns around)
Anything
happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.
(Cher reappears)
CHER
Bye,
Daddy. C'mon!
(They walk out)
CHER
It's so killer!
CHRISTIAN
Thank
you. Your dad is pretty scary[S130].
CHER
Isn't
he?
CHRISTIAN
You
like Billie Holiday?
CHER
I
love him.
CHRISTIAN
Right.
"Miss Brown To You" Billie
Holiday
(They drive off)
JOSH
I
didn't like him.
MEL
What's
to like?
JOSH
I
think I should go to the party.
MEL
If
you feel like you should go...
JOSH
You
don't need me, do ya?
MEL
No,
no, no.
JOSH
I
mean, unless you want? I mean, unless you want?
MEL
Josh!
Go to the party. Go, go, go, go.
JOSH
OK.
I'll watch her for you.
(Josh walks off)
MEL
You
do that.
SCENE XXV - THE FRAT PARTY
"Someday I Suppose" Mighty
Mighty Bosstones
(Everyone is just dancing. Tai enters)
CHER
Tai!
(Tai falls down the stairs on her butt! Classic!)
Oh,
my God. Tai, are you OK?
TAI
God,
shit! That is so embarassing!
CHER
No,
no one saw.
TAI
Now,
all night long, I'm gonna be known as that girl who fell on her butt.
CHER
Tai,
no one noticed.
"Where'd You Go?" Mighty
Mighty Bosstones
COLLEGE GUY
Wow!
Are you OK? That looked really bad.
TAI
Yeah,
thanks.
(Tai spots Elton dancing with Amber.)
Oh,
my God, Cher, look. He's going with
Amber?!
CHER
No,
he's probably just dancing with
her.
TAI
Do
you think she's pretty?
CHER
No,
she's a full on Monet.
TAI
What's
a monet?
CHER
It's
like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old
mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
CHRISTIAN
Hagsville.
CHER
See?
CHRISTIAN
Dig
this. They're charging for brewskies. Cash me a five, I'll pay you back.
CHER
Sure.
(Christian kisses Cher on the cheek)
CHRISTIAN
Thanks.
(Christian walks away)
TAI
He
is so cute!
CHER
Oh,
my God. Do you see how he is falling in love with me?
(The girls watch Christian shrug off[S131] an interested girl)
I
mean, look how he ignores every other girl.
TAI
Oh,
God, look. There's Josh.
CHER V.O.
I
didn't even see him come in, but it's like he finds the only adult in here,
like he's deliberately[S132] trying
to not have fun.
(Watch the look on Cher's face as
she's waving. Truly legend.)
TAI
Cher,
I have a question. What do you think I should do with this thing? Should I, uh,
like tie it around, or put it over my shoulder?
CHER
Tie
it around your waist.
CHRISTIAN
Ready
to slide?
TAI
Thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Let's
go.
(Christian and Cher return to the dance
floor)
CHER V.O.
The
band was kickin', and Christian was the hottest guy there, but my enjoyment was
put on pause when I saw how unhappy Tai was.
(Josh walks over to Tai, engages in
small talk, then asks her to dance)
CHER
Oh,
look, look! Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances.
CHRISTIAN
I
can see why.
CHER
No,
he's doing her a prop[S133] so
she won't feel left out.
CHRISTIAN
Oh,
I dig it.
(Time passes. Cher, Tai, Josh, and
Christian are left. Christian is still dancing by himself)
"Here (Squirmel Mix)"
Luscious Jackson
JOSH
How
are you guys holding up?
CHER
We're
so ready to leave.
TAI
I'm
tired.
CHER
Let's
get Christian and go. Christian! You wanna go?
CHRISTIAN
Now?
These guys here have got the skinny on the happenin' after hours.
CHER
My
trainer's coming really, really early this morning.
CHRISTIAN
Oh.
JOSH
Look,
I could take the girls home.
CHRISTIAN
No,
it's OK.
CHER
No,
I'm fine, stay.
CHRISTIAN
You
sure?
CHER
Yeah,
sure.
CHRISTIAN (to Josh)
Thanks, man. You got my marker.
(to Cher)
You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.
SCENE XXVI - JOSH'S CAR
CHER
That
was really decent[S134] of
you to dance with Tai tonight.
JOSH
My
pleasure.
CHER
You
notice any positive changes in her?
JOSH
Yeah,
it's under your tutelage[S135] she's
exploring the challenging world of bare[S136] midriffs[S137].
So you didn't want to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?
CHER
Yeah,
Daddy wouldn't go tubeless[S138],
it's not like he's going to sleep or anything.
JOSH
No,
not if they're going to finish those depo's.
CHER
Hey,
you what would be so dope[S139]?
If we got some really delicious take-out. I bet they haven't eaten all night.
JOSH
That
would be pretty dope of us. Let's do it.
SCENE XXVII - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
The
midnight snack totally revived the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.
MEL
Mmm,
Meat!
CHER
Meaty
oranges and you get a lot of vitamin C.
(Mel picks up a large sandwich)
Daddy,
no! Daddy, no. You know you can't have that...
MEL
Cher,
c'mon!
CHER
Don't
be silly.
CHER V.O.
I
know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go
partying. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding[S140].
JOSH
Look,
I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?
CHER
Some
people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.
JOSH
Stop
it, you're making me blush.
(Phone rings. Cher answers)
CHER
Hello?
GAIL
Hi
Cher, how are you?
CHER
Hi,
Gail.
GAIL
Is
my son there, cleaning out your refrigerator?
(Josh motions a "No" to
Cher)
CHER
No,
no, he's not here. You should try the dorms.
GAIL
Alright,
bye, hon.
CHER
Bye-bye.
(Cher hangs up the phone)
What
was that all about?
JOSH
She
wants me to come home for spring break.
CHER
So,
what's the big deal? Nobody will be in school.
JOSH
Yeah,
but husband number four's at home and his whole idea of acting like a family is
to criticize me.
CHER
So,
what? You're just going to roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself?
JOSH
I
don't mind.
CHER
That
is stupid. Why don't you just come here, you can have your old room, and there
are going to be some great parties.
JOSH
I
don't know.
CHER
Why
not?
JOSH
You
got your whole social world going on, I don't want to get in the way.
CHER
You
won't be in the way.
JOSH
How
much fun would it be having a brother-type tagging along?
CHER
Josh,
you are not my brother.
JOSH
You
know what I mean.
CHER
C'mon,
you need some excitement in your life. It'll replenish[S141] you
for your finals.
JOSH
OK.
CHER
Good.
JOSH
I
can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.
CHER
That's
Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.
JOSH
Do
you have any idea what you're talking about?
CHER
No,
why? Do I sound like I do?
SCENE XXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE
(Theme from "2001:A Space
Odyssey" is playing while camera is focused on phone. The phone rings)
CHER V.O.
Christian
said he'd call the next day, but in boy time, that meant Thursday. So, you can
imagine my astonishment[S142] to
hear from him while I was packing Daddy up.
CHER
Hello?
"I Believe I'm You" Gail
Orange
CHER V.O.
He
said he'd come over with some video tapes and we'd watch them. A night alone
with Christian! I sent for reinforcements[S143].
Then, Dee and I had to design a lighting concept, and costume decisions. I
don't rely on mirrors, so I always take Polaroid's. Whenever a boy comes, you
should always have something baking.
CHER
Oh,
I'm still all red.
DIONNE
Well,
I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher. Look, you're all flushed. You
have to calm down. OK? Calm.
CHER
You
know, I am so glad I never did it with someone I had lukewarm[S144] feelings
for. Christian is brutally hot, and I am going to remember tonight forever.
DIONNE
(Later)
(The door bell rings. Cher opens the
door)
CHRISTIAN
Hi.
CHER
Hi.
CHRISTIAN
Is
something burning?
CHER
Oh,
my God!
(Cher runs to the kitchen. The bake
was fried)
CHRISTIAN
Oh,
honey, you baked.
CHER
I
tried.
CHRISTIAN
C'mon,
show me the rest of your pad.
(Cher and Christian are outside among
Mel's art collection)
CHRISTIAN
Your
father has a well-rounded collection.
CHER
Daddy
says it's a good investment.
CHRISTIAN
He's
absolutely right. Klaus Oldenberg.
CHER
Oh,
he's way famous!
(Christian approaches a different
sculpture)
CHRISTIAN
This
is older, see? Transitional. A very important piece.
CHER
Um,
do you want to go swimming?
CHRISTIAN
Hmmm,
let's watch the movies.
CHER
Oh,
OK.
(Scene moves to Christian and Cher
lying on bed watching "Spartacus")
CHER V.O.
Christian
had a thing for Tony Curtis, so he brought over "Some Like It Hot"
and "Sparaticus".
(Cher starts rubbing her feet up against Christian's legs.
Christian doesn't enjoy it)
CHER
My
feet are cold.
(Christian puts a pillow over Cher's
feet)
Thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Oh,
watch this part, this is good.
(Cher falls off the bed while trying to look sexy. Too funny.)
Are
you OK?
CHER
I'm
fine. Do you want some, something to drink? You know, I could get you some
wine.
CHRISTIAN
No.
You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy.
CHER
That's
OK.
CHRISTIAN
I'm
actually getting tired.
CHER
But,
um, I could make you some coffee if you'd like?
CHRISTIAN
Oh,
no thanks. Got the ulcer[S146].
CHER
But
you had all those cappuccinos before?
CHRISTIAN
Oh.
Well, you know, that was, like... foam[S147].
(They move to the front door)
You're
great. We're friends, right?
(Cher nods)
Knock
me a little kiss.
(Cher kisses him on the cheek)
I'll
see ya.
(Christian leaves)
CHER V.O.
I
don't get it. Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting?
What's wrong with me?
(NOTHING!)
SCENE XXIX - MURRAY'S CAR
DIONNE
Nothing!
Maybe he really was tired!
CHER
I
suppose it wasn't meant to be, I mean, he does dress better than I do. What
would I bring to the relationship?
MURRAY
Get
back into the right lane. What's the first thing you do?
DIONNE
First
thing I do is, I put on my blinker.
(Dionne accidently turns the wipers
on)
Oh,
wait, shit.
MURRAY
Watch
the road, watch the road!
DIONNE
Alright!
Stop. Then, I look in my mirror. OK, then I glance at my blind spot.
MURRAY
Glance
with your head, not the whole car. I swear to God, I swear to God, Woman, you
can't drive for shit!
DIONNE
I'm
not trying to hear that.
MURRAY
Hear
me...
CHER
Actually,
going all the way is like a really big decision. I can't believe I was so
capricious about it. Dee, I almost had sex with him.
MURRAY
You
almost had sex with who?
CHER
Christian.
(Murray cracks up)
DIONNE
What?
MURRAY
Yo,
look. Are you bitches blind or something? Your man, Christian is a cake-boy!
CHER & DIONNE
A
what?!
MURRAY
He's
a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streissand ticket-holding friend of
Dorothy, know what I'm saying?
CHER
Uh-uh.
no way.
MURRAY
He's
gay.
CHER
Not
even.
MURRAY
Yes,
even.
DIONNE
He
does like to shop, Cher, and the boy can dress.
CHER
Oh,
my God. I am totally buggin'. I feel like such a bonehead[S148].
MURRAY
What
the hell? Yo, you're getting on the freeway!
DIONNE
What?!
MURRAY
Yo,
turn right! Get out of the lane! Don't go. Forget procedure, just get out of
the lane!
(Both Cher and Dionne scream)
MURRAY
Truck,
truck, truck, truck! Ahhh!
CHER (screaming)
You're
on the freeway!
DIONNE
What
do I do, Murray?
MURRAY
Go
straight, go straight, go straight! Just relax and drive, baby! Just relax and
drive.
(An old lady gives them the finger)
CHER (screaming)
Shut
up! Shut up!
(Lots of screams from everybody)
MURRAY
Whatever
you do, keep your hands on the wheel, at all times!
(A huge truck closes in on them.
Murray sees it)
Aaahhhhh!!!
(A lot more screaming from the three)
Turn
to the right! Oh, there it is. Alright, we're off. Damn, you did wonderful.
Sorry, baby.
CHER
You
did it, Dee!
MURRAY
Relax,
relax, relax, relax, honey, relax. Baby, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breath
in, breathe. Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe, honey, breathe, breath.
Relax, relax.
CHER V.O.
Boy,
getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is. After that,
Dionne's virginity went from technical to non-exisistant. I realized how much I
wanted a boyfriend of my own.
SCENE XXX - THE MALL
CHER V.O.
Not
that Christian wasn't a blast to hang out with. He was becoming one of my
favorite shopping partners.
CHRISTIAN
????????
Um, where's Tai?
CHER
Oh,
she met some random guys at the Foot Locker and escorted them right over there.
TAI (in distance)
Oh,
my God! Did you see...
CHER
I
don't know where she meets these Barnies.
CHRISTIAN
I
have a question, alright?
CHER
What?
CHRISTIAN
The
jacket? Is it James Dean or Jason Priestly?
CHER
Carpe'
diem. OK, you looked hot in it.
CHRISTIAN
Really?
TAI (with the barnies)
If
I fall, would you guys catch me?
CHER
Could
we please be more... generic?
(Tai screams)
TAI
Stop
it! Please! Bring me back up,
please! Bring me back up.
(Tai screams a little more, then
Christian rescues her)
TAI
Thank
you.
CHRISTIAN
You
asshole!
BARNEY #1
Hey,
man. We're just joking.
CHRISTIAN
Oh,
really?! Someone could get killed.
(Tai runs over and hugs Cher)
TAI
Cher,
you don't understand. I was just sitting there and I was just talking to those
guys, and then, all of a sudden, we were laughing, and...
CHRISTIAN
Hey,
are you OK?
TAI
Yeah.
CHRISTIAN
Are
you sure?
TAI
I'm
fine. Yeah, uh-huh.
CHRISTIAN
Let's
get you home for some R&R, huh?
TAI
What's
that?
(Christian laughs)
CHER V.O.
Boy,
considering how clueless she was, Tai certainly had that "damsel[S149] in
distress[S150]"
act down.
SCENE XXXI - SCHOOL
CHER V.O.
Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking
about Tai's "brush with
death" at the mall.
STUDENT
Was
it, like a montage of all the scenes in your life?
TAI
Not
exactly a montage...
SUMMER
Hey,
Cher! Is it true some gang members, like tried to shoot Tai in the mall?
CHER
No.
SUMMER
That
is what everyone is saying.
CHER
Whatever.
STUDENT
When
I was nine, I fell off the jungle gym, that's when I saw this light, you know?
TAI
Wait,
wait. Move down for Cher.
DIONNE
Hi!
AMBER
Tell
me more, tell me more.
TAI
Where
was I?
AMBER
You
were thinking about was really important.
TAI
Oh,
right, right. Right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear.
It's a very intense, spiritual thing...
CHER
Well,
I know when I was held at gun-point...
STUDENT
Excuse
me. (to Tai)
You were saying.
TAI
It's
spiritual. I don't know, I can't, I can't pinpoint the spirituality out for
you, you know, if you've never experienced anything...
Tai! I was planning on going to the Tower and getting something for Christian. You know, like some kind of present or something. You wanna come?
TAI
Sure. I mean, I owe him my life.
CHER
So, I'll get you after school.
TAI
Yeah... no, not today, I'm going over to Melrose with Amber.
AMBER
We're going to Melrose.
CHER
Oh, well, how about tomorrow?
TAI
Do you think we could do it next Monday? My week's filling up pretty fast here.
DIONNE
So, when we got back from the eye hop it was late.
TAI
Oh, what? Swoon? Here comes your boyfriend.
(Travis approaches)
TRAVIS
Tai, check it out.
(Travis spits up in the air, then catches it. What a legend!)
(Sounds of disgust from around the table)
TRAVIS
Could you shove down a bit?
DIONNE
No.
TAI
Hello?
Don't the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?
(Some at the table laugh. Travis is surprised and hurt. Cher looks worried and a little disappointed)
DIONNE
Tai, so anyway.
TAI
What?
DIONNE
Have you ever done it in water?
TAI
Oh, yeah.
DIONNE
Really?
TAI
Uh-huh.
CHER V.O.
What was happening? Dionne asking tai for sex advice? Tai being the most popular girl in school? It was like some sort of alternate universe!
SCENE XXXII - THE DRIVING TEST
CHER V.O.
On top of everyhting else, I was going to take the driving test. So, I had to find my most resposible-looking ensemble.
CHER
Lucy! Lucy! Where's my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal?
(Cher moves to the kitchen)
Lucy, where's my shirt?
LUCY
Probably at the cleaners.
CHER
But today's the driving test. It's my most capable looking outfit.
LUCY
OK, I call them.
CHER
It's too late now. Oh, and we got another notice from the fire department saying to clear out the bush. You said you were going to get Jose to do it.
LUCY
He your gardener. I don't know why you don't tell him.
CHER
Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
LUCY
I not a Mexican!
CHER
Great, what was that all about?
JOSH
Lucy's from El Salvador.
CHER
So?
JOSH
It's an entirely different country.
CHER
Oh, what does that matter?
JOSH
You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.
CHER
Oh, OK, so everything is all my fault? I'm always wrong, right?
JOSH
You're such a brat.
(Scene changes to inside Cher's car)
CHER V.O.
I had an overwhelming sense of ickyness. Even though I apologized to Lucy, something was still plaguing me. Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.
DMV TESTER
Move into the right lane.
CHER V.O.
I mean, why should I care what Josh thinks? Why was I letting it throw me into such turmoil?
(Cher moves right without looking and almost wipes out a cyclist)
DMV TESTER
Watch out for the bike rider!
CYCLIST
Hey!
CHER
Oops! My bad.
DMV TESTER
What are you doing? You can't take up both lanes. Get in the right lane.
(Cher moves right and scrapes against a parked car)
DMV TESTER
Not so close!
CHER
Ooh! Should I write them a note?
DMV TESTER
Pull over up here and turn off the engine. Yeah, right there.
(Cher pulls up at least three feet from the cerb)
CHER
Ooh. Are you gonna take me somewhere to make left-hand turns?
DMV TESTER
We're going back to the D.M.V.
CHER
It's over?
DMV TESTER
It's over.
CHER
Well, how'd I do?
DMV TESTER
How'd
you do? Well, let's see shall we? You can't park, you can't switch lanes, you
can't make right-hand turns, you damaged private property, and you almost
killed someone. Off hand, I'd say you failed.
CHER
Failed?! Can't we just start over, I mean, I'm kind of having a personal problem, my mind was somewhere else, I mean, you saw how that biker came out of nowhere, right? I swear I'll concentrate, I drive really good, usually. Isn't there somebody else I can talk to, a supervisor or something, I mean, you can't be the absolute and final word in driver's licences?
DMV TESTER
Girly, as far as your concerned, I am the Messiah of the D.M.V. Now, get out of the car.
SCENE XXXIII - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
I can't believe I failed. I failed something I couldn't talk my way out of?
(Cher approaches Josh and Tai who are playing with a hacky-sack)
TAI
Hey! You're home.
JOSH
Hey, how does it feel to have a licence?
CHER
I wouldn't know, I failed.
TAI
Oh, bummer.
CHER
And Josh, spare me the lectures on how driving is such a big responsibility, and you can't B.S. your way through it, OK?
JOSH
I didn't say anything.
CHER
I know what you're thinking.
TAI
I got to tell you something, I'm really sorry about your test and all, but I am so glad you're here. There's something I gotta do and I really need you here when I really do it. Does this thing work?
CHER
Oh, yeah, sure.
(Cher picks up the remote and switches the fire on)
What is this stuff?
TAI
This is a bunch of stuff that reminded me of Elton, but I want to burn it, because I am so over him.
CHER
What stuff?
TAI
Alright, do you remember when we were at the Val party and the clog knocked me out, and Elton ran and got a towel of ice to cure me.
CHER
Well, yeah.
TAI
Well, I didn't tell you at the time, but I took the towel home as a souvenir.
CHER
You're kidding?
TAI
No.
(Tai throws the towel into the fire)
And
then, do you remember that song that was playing while we danced? Remember
that? You know, the rollin' with the homies? 
CHER
Oh.
TAI
Anyways, so I got the tape right? I listened to it, like every single night.
CHER
Don't burn that.
TAI
OK.
CHER
Tai, I'm really happy for you, but what brought on this surge of empowerment?
TAI
It's like, I met this guy who's so totally amazing that he makes Elton look like a loser.
CHER
That is so great.
TAI
Look, you have got to help me get Josh.
CHER
Get Josh what?
TAI
You know what I mean. I like him.
CHER
Do you think that he like you?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
How do you know?
TAI
Like, little things, you know? Like, he always, he finds some sort of way to touch me or tickle me. And you remember the time at the frat when I was totally depressed and he asked me to dance with him, he was really flirty. You OK?
CHER
Yeah. Oh, actually, I was really bad today, I had two moccacinos, I feel like ralphing.
TAI
I know exactly how that feels. Like the other day, I was talking to Josh, and we were discussing the difference between high school girls and colege girls. The college girls wear less make-up on their face and that's why guys like them more.
CHER
But, Tai, do you really think you could go with Josh? I mean, he's like a school nerd.
TAI
What, am I some sort of mentally challenged airhead?
CHER
No. Not even, I didn't say that.
TAI
But I'm not good enough for Josh, or something?
CHER
I just don't think you mesh well together.
TAI
You
don't think that we mesh well? It is like, why am I even listening to you to
begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive. 
(Cher is brought to the point of tears. You bitch, Tai!!!)
CHER
That was way harsh, Tai.
TAI
Look, I'm really sorry. Let's just talked when we've mellowed, alright? I'm audi.
CHER V.O.
What did I do? I've created sort sort of a monster. I could feel the chunks start to rise up in my throath. I had to get out.
SCENE XXXIV - CHER WALKING THE STREETS
"All By Myself" Jewel
CHER V.O.
Everything
I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong
about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable
conclusion, I was just totally 
clueless. Oh, and
this Josh and Tai thing was wigging me more than anything. I mean, what was my
problem? Tai is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boyfriend, I really.. Ooh, I
wonder if they have that in my size.
What does she want with Josh, anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute... in a conventional way. I mean, he's just like this slug who hangs around the house all the time. And he's a hideous dancer, I couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about? This is like, Josh! OK, OK, so he's kind of a baldwin, but what would he want with Tai? She couldn't make him happy. Josh needed someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes... in case he ever makes any. Then suddenly...
CHER
Oh, my God. I love Josh.
CHER V.O.
I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh.
[┘]
SCENE XXXV - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
But
now I don't know how to act around him. I mean, ordinarily I would strut around
in my cutest little outfits and send myself flowers and candy, but I couldn't
do that stuff with Josh.
(Cher and Josh are in the lounge
watching T.V.)
JOSH
What's
with you?
CHER
What
do you mean?
JOSH
You're
so quiet. You haven't made me watch the real world?
CHER
I
care about the news.
JOSH
Since
when?
CHER
Since
now.
(T.V. shows scenes from Bosnia)
JOSH
You
look confused.
CHER
Well,
uh, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.
(Scene changes to Mel's Den with Cher
walking past the door in her pyjamas)
MEL
Cher,
get in here!
CHER
What's
up Daddy?
MEL
What
are you doing, dancing in front of my office?
CHER
Nothing,
I just wanted to see if you needed any help with anything.
MEL
Yeah,
you could help me with something. Come over here. Every time that you see a
telephone conversation that took place on September third, highlight it. Just
September third.
CHER
OK.
MEL
Fun,
huh?
CHER (laughing)
Yeah.
Daddy, did you ever have a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?
MEL
Tell
me the problem, and we'll figure out how to argue it.
CHER
I
like this boy.
MEL
Yes?
CHER
And he likes someone else.
MEL
How
could that be?
CHER
I
don't know, but I feel wretched[S151].
MEL
Well,
obviously this boy is a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in
Beverly Hills. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid
fella like that.
CHER
Well,
actually he is a smart guy and, you know he's one of those do-gooder types, and
now I feel like all my after-school commitments are just not good enough.
MEL
How
can you say that? Who takes care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure
that Daddy eats right? To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good-doing
since 
your
mother.
CHER
Really?
MEL
Really.
Now get back to work.
SCENE XXXVI - PISMO BEACH DISASTER
CHER V.O.
Later,
while we were learning about the Pismo Beach disaster, I decided I needed a
complete make-over, except this time I'd make-over my soul. But what makes
someone a better person? And then I realized, all my friends were really good
in different ways. Like, Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and
interesting. Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so
considerate of each other. And poor Miss Giest, always trying to get us
involved, no matter how much we resist?
MISS GIEST
Oh,
it's just, that doesn't even show... you know, every single possesion, every
memory, everything you had your whole life... gone in a second. Can you imagine
what that must feel like?
(Elton raises his hand)
Elton?
ELTON
Can
I use the Pass?
MISS GIEST
Yeah.
We'll be collecting blankets, disposable diapers, canned goods...
(Cher raises her hand)
CHER
Miss
Giest?
MISS GIEST
Cher?
CHER
I
wanna help.
MISS GIEST
That
would be wonderful.
CHER V.O. 
I
felt better already.
(Back at Cher's house)
CHER
Daddy?
MEL
What?
CHER
You
didn't like that red caviar, did you?
MEL
What's
she talking about?
(Cher starts dragging a heap of stuff
to the front door)
MEL
Cher,
what are you doing?
CHER
I'm
captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.
MEL
I
don't think they need your skis.
CHER
Daddy,
some people lost all their belongings, don't you think that includes athletic
equipment? 
MEL
This
is your influence, Josh?
(Scene changes to sign-on stall at
school)
"Shake Some Action" Cracker
CHER
Hey,
c'mere. Sign up, it's going to be really fun.
(Scene cahnges to indoors)
No,
you know what? Can you please take it to bedding? Yes, thank you very much.
Oh,
Miss Giest, Miss Giest.
MISS GIEST
Yes,
dear?
CHER
I
need more boxes, they're all filled up.
MISS GIEST
Already?
Great!
CHER
I
divided them into entrees and appetizers.
MISS GIEST
Oh,
OK, I'll have them picked up.
TRAVIS
Hey.
CHER
Proper.
This is really decent of you Travis.
TRAVIS
Sure.
(Cher picks up a Bong from Travis' box.)
I
wasn't sure about that. I don't need it anymore, but far be it from me to deny
anyone else, you know? Oh, I wanted to tell you something, I'm sorry about your
shoes.
CHER
What
shoes?
TRAVIS
The
red ones with the strappy[S152] things?
CHER
Oh,
those are so last season. What even made you think of them? 
TRAVIS
Well,
it's one of my steps, you see? I joined this club, and there are these steps...
CHER
Twelve?
TRAVIS
Yeah,
twelve! How'd you know?
CHER
Wild
guess.
TRAVIS
Wow,
good guess. Ah, also, here.
(Travis hands Cher a flyer)
CHER (reading)
A.S.L.
?
TRAVIS
Amateur
Skateboarding League. This clarity thing has brought me to, like a whole new
level with my skating. You gotta see it. Would you come Saturday?
CHER
Sure.
TRAVIS
Cool!
CHER (holding up bong)
Well,
um, I guess, kitchenware?
TRAVIS
That's
where I used to keep it.
SCENE XXXVII - A.S.L. COMPETITION
"Mullet Head" Beastie Boys
(Tai approached Cher at the drinks
stand)
TAI
Hi?
CHER
Hi.
TAI
Cher,
can I talk to you a minute?
CHER
Um,
sure.
TAI
Look,
I have been in agony the past week and I can't even believe that I went off the
way I did.
CHER
No,
I have been going down a shame spiral. I cannot even believe I was so
unsupportive of your feelings for Josh.
TAI
No,
you are entitled to your own opinion, all right? I'm the tart here. Cher,
you've been nothing but super-duper nice to me.
CHER
Not
even. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have even liked that loser, Elton. I'm
so sorry, Tai.
TAI
Cher,
I'm really sorry. Oh, shit. Now I'm going to go ahead and cry.
CHER
Let's
never fight again, OK?
(Cher and Tai hug. Travis is announced
on the P.A.)
PA
Next
up, number fourteen, Travis Berkenstock.
(The girls sit down, excitedly
giggling and pointing to Travis.)
TAI
Alright
Travis!
CHER
I
had no idea he was so motivated.
TAI
Oh,
I did.
CHER V.O.
When I saw the sparks between Tai and Travis, I knew Josh was out of the picture.
SCENE XXXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE
JOSH
You
look like Pippi Longstocking.
CHER
Well,
you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
JOSH
Someone
Mel Gibson never played.
CHER
Funny.
(Cher lets her hair down, and Josh is
dumbfounded by her beauty)
LAWYER
What
happened to the August 28th files?
JOSH
Hmm,
what?
LAWYER
Mel
wanted them tonight, there were twice as many. He's gonna go ballistic, where
are they?
CHER
I
think I checked them for the September third conversation.
LAWYER
What?
JOSH
Where'd
you put them?
CHER
I
divided them into two piles. Is that wrong?
LAWYER
Oh,
my God. I have to redo all that. What are you, some kind of idiot?
JOSH
Hey,
she didn't know.
LAWYER
She
just set us back a day. Who cares about the September call? Now we're screwed!
CHER
I'm
sorry.
LAWYER
Just
forget it, OK? Just go back to the mall or something.
(Cher runs out of the room)
JOSH
What's
your problem, man? She didn't mean any harm.
LAWYER
I'm
gonna get killed because she's a moron.
JOSH
She's
not a moron. You know, if you were paying attention to your assignment, it
wouldn't have happened.
LAWYER
Well,
if you hadn't been playing footsy with the dumb kid, she wouldn't be bothering
me.
JOSH
What
the hell are you talking about?!
LAWYER
You
know exactly what I'm talking about. Josh, this is a multi-million dollar law
suit, not some excuse for puppy-love.
JOSH
Look,
we've been working our butts off on this case!
LAWYER
Well,
tell you what? You do whatever you want with your butts, I'm calling in sick.
(Lawyer leaves while Josh slams the
door behind him. Cher is sitting at the top of the stairs)
CHER
Did
I really ruin Daddy's law suit?
JOSH
No.
(Josh moves up to sit beside Cher)
Of
course not.
CHER
Well,
did I set him back? I mean, there's so much work to be done, and he can't
afford to lose that time.
JOSH
Don't
worry about it, I'll take care of it. Your father won't lose any time. Can you
imagine the nerve of that guy? I mean, making you worry like that, and yet,
he's the one that screwed up and then he goes and blames us. Imagine saying we
were... you know?
CHER
That's
right, you've been very dedicated to this case.
JOSH
Yeah,
well, it's a good learning experience, at least for me, I want to be a lawyer.
But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun, go
shopping.
CHER
You
think that's all I do, I'm just a ditz with a credit card?
JOSH
No,
no, ah, that's not what I meant.
(Josh just stutters a bit, looking for
the right words)
You're
young and beautiful...and...
CHER
And?
JOSH
And,
well, uh, what?
CHER
You
think I'm beautiful?
(YES, YES!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
YES!!!!)
JOSH
You
know your gorgeous, alright? And popular, and, um, and... but this is not why
I, you know, I come here. This is a good learning experience for me.
CHER
You
already said that.
JOSH
Mel,
I wanna help out Mel. He's the only one who cares about me.
CHER
That's
not true.
JOSH
He's
not? Are you saying you care about me?
CHER
Josh.
(Cher goes to hit his shoulder, but he
catches her with a kiss. Good move!) 
(Both like it. So they try again.)
CHER V.O.
Well,
you can guess what happened next.
SCENE XXXIX - THE WEDDING
CHER V.O.
As
if! I am only sixteen, and this is California, not Kentucky.
(Mr. Hall and Miss Giest get married)
TAI
I
know, that when I have my own wedding, I want this, like whole entire floral
motif, very floral garlens... floral dresses.
DIONNE
No,
no, no, no. When I get married, I'm gonna have a sailor dress, but it's going
to be a gown, and all my bridesmaids are gonna wear sailor hats... with vails.
TAI
That
sounds so cool.
MURRAY
Oh,
my God. They're planning our weddings already. Could you all stop all that to
death do us part mumbo-jumbo. I'm telling ya, man, I'm completely buggin'.
JOSH
I'm
buggin' myself.
(Miss Stoeger runs on the scene)
MISS STOEGER
Girls!
She's about to throw the bouquet, c'mon!
(Miss Stoeger, Dionne and Tai run off)
JOSH (to Cher)
Look,
we got a pool going to see who's girl gets the bouquet. It's up to two hundred
dollars.
CHER
It's
in the bag.
"Tenderness" General Public
(All the girls are jumping around waiting for the bouquet. Miss
Giest/Mrs. Hall throws it amongst them. The bouquet exchanges hands and they
all fall down. Classic scene! Cher ends up with it.) 
(Cher and Josh kiss.
It's the one scene that I'll never get
out of mind for the rest of my life. Simply awesome lip-lock!)
END CREDITS
"Need You Around" Smoking
Popes
(Sheesh! Finally. Well, I hope you
enjoyed the script. Now be sure to go and watch it repeatedly. If you have
already done so, watch it again! Bye-bye!)
If you know of any script errors, soundtrack
details, or any other suggestions about the script, then please email me at pacey578@rocketmail.com.
THE END
Found on INFlow Screenplay Repository