ššššššššššššššššššššššš NOTTING HILL

 

šššššššššššššššššššššš Screenplayš by

 

šššššššššššššššššššššš Richard Curtis

Edit Yanko Slava[S1] 

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EXT. STREET - DAY 1

INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - DAY.. 2

EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY.. 4

INT. THE BOOKSHOP - DAY.. 4

INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY.. 9

INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY.. 14

EXT. RITZ - DAY.. 18

INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.. 26

Oh holy fuck! 28

Do you ever masturbate?. 29

she started unbuttoning her jeans... 31

... my looks will go, they will discover. 34

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT.. 40

I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. 42

INT. BACKROOM OF THE BOOKSHOP - DAY.. 72

Don't forget -- I'm also just a. 76

girl.š Standing in front of a boy. 76

Asking him to love her. 76

 

 

ššššššššššš EXT. STREET - DAY

ššššš

ššššš Mix through to William, 35, relaxed, pleasant, informal.š We

ššššš follow him as he walks down Portobello Road, carrying a load of

ššššš bread.š It is spring.

ššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš Of course, I've seen her films and

ššššššššššš always thought she was, well,

ššššššššššš fabulous -- but, you know,

ššššššššššš million miles from the world I live

ššššššššššš in.š Which is here -- Notting Hill

ššššššššššš my favorite bit of London -- not a bad place to be...

ššššš

ššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY

 

ššššš It's a full fruit market day.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš There's the market on weekdays,

ššššššššššš selling every fruit and vegetable

ššššššššššš known to man...

 

ššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY

 

ššššš A man in denims exits the tattoo studio.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš The tattoo parlor -- with a guy

ššššššššššš outside who got drunk and now can't

ššššššššššš remember why he chose 'I Love Ken'...

 

ššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš The racial hair-dressers where

ššššššššššš everyone comes out looking like the

ššššššššššš Cookie Monster, whether they like

ššššššššššš it or not...

 

ššššš Sure enough, a girl exits with a huge threaded blue bouffant.

 

ššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - SATURDAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš Then suddenly it's the weekend, and

ššššššššššš from break of day, hundreds of stalls

ššššššššššš appears out of nowhere, filling

ššššššššššš Portobello Road right up to Notting

ššššššššššš Hill Gate...

 

ššššš A frantic crowded Portobello market.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš ... and thousands of people buy

ššššššššššš millions of antiques, some genuine...

 

ššššš The camera finally settles on a stall selling beautiful stained

ššššš glass windows of various sizes, some featuring biblical scenes

ššššš and saints.

 

ššššš ššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš ... and some not quite so genuine.

 

ššššš EXT. GOLBORNE ROAD - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš And what's great is that lots of

ššššššššššš friends have ended up in this part of

ššššššššššš London -- that's Tony, for example, architect

ššššššššššš turned chef, who recently invested

ššššššššššš all the money he ever earned in a new

ššššššššššš restaurant...

 

ššššš Shot of Tony proudly setting out a board outside his restaurant,

ššššš the sign still being painted.š He receives and approves a huge

ššššš fresh salmon.

 

ššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš So this is where I spend my days

ššššššššššš and years -- in this small village in

ššššššššššš the middle of a city -- in a house

ššššššššššš with a blue door that my wife and I

ššššššššššš bought together... before she left

ššššššššššš me for a man who looked like Harrison

ššššššššššš Ford, only even handsomer...

 

ššššš We arrive outside his blue-doored house just off Portobello.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš ... and where I now lead a strange

ššššššššššš half-life with a lodger called...

 

ššššššššššš INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Spike!

 

ššššš The house has far too many things in it.š Definitely two-

ššššš bachelor flat.

 

ššššš Spike appears.š An unusual looking fellow.š He has unusual

ššššš hairs, unusual facial hair and an unusual Welsh accent: very

ššššš white, as though his flesh has never seen the sun.š He wears

ššššš only shorts.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Even he.š Hey, you couldn't help me

ššššššššššš with an incredibly important

ššššššššššš decision, could you?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš This is important in comparison to,

ššššššššššš let's say, whether they should

ššššššššššš cancel third world debt?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš That's right -- I'm at last going out

ššššššššššš on a date with great Janine and I just

ššššššššššš want to be sure I've picked the right

ššššššššššš t-shirt.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš What are the choices?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Well... wait for it...

ššššššššššššššššš (He pulls on a t-shirt)

ššššššššššš First there's this one...

 

ššššš The t-shirt is white with a horrible looking plastic alien

ššššš coming out of it, jaws open, blood everywhere.š It says 'I Love

ššššš Blood.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes -- might make it hard to strike a

ššššššššššš really romantic note.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

Point taken. Don't despair If it's romance we're looking for, I believe I have just the thing.

 

ššššš He heads back up the stairs... talks as he changes...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš I suspect you'll prefer the next one.

 

ššššš And he re-enters in a white t-shirt, with a large arrow,

ššššš pointing down to his flies, saying, "Get It Here.'

ššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššš ššššš Yeah, well, there again -- she might not think you had

ššššššššššš true love on your mind.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Right. Just one more.

ššššššššššššššššš (and back up he goes)

 

ššššš He comes down wearing it.š Lots of hearts, saying, 'You're the

ššššš most beautiful woman in the world.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš True love here I come.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, yes, that's perfect. Well

ššššššššššš done.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Great.š Thanks.š Wish me luck.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Good luck.

 

ššššš Spike turns and walks upstairs.š Revealing that on the back of

ššššš the t-shirt, also printed in big letters, is written 'Fancy a

ššššš fuck?'

 

ššššššššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš And so it was just another hopeless

ššššššššššš Wednesday, as I set off through the

ššššššššššš market to work, little suspecting

ššššššššššš that this was the day which would

ššššššššššš change my life forever.š This is

ššššššššššš work, by the way, my little travel

ššššššššššš book shop...

 

ššššš A small unpretentious store... named 'The Travel Book Co.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (V.O.)

ššššššššššš ... which, well, sells travel books

ššššššššššš -- and, to be frank with you, doesn't

ššššššššššš always sell many of those.

 

ššššš William enters.

 

ššššššššššš INT. THE BOOKSHOP - DAY

 

ššššš It is a small shop, slightly chaotic, bookshelves everywhere,

ššššš with little secret bits round corners with even more books.

ššššš Martin, William's sole employee, is waiting enthusiastically.

ššššš He is keen, an uncrushable optimist.š Perhaps without cause.š

ššššš A few seconds later, William stands gloomily behind the desk.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Classic.š Absolutely classic.š

ššššššššššš Profit from major sales push -- minus

ššššššššššš 347 pound.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Shall I go get a cappuccino?š You know, ease the

ššššššššššš pain of it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Yeah. Yeah. Yes, better make it get me a half.š All I can afford.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARIN

ššššššššššš I get you logic.š Demi-capu coming right up.

 

ššššš He salutes and bolts out of the door -- as he does, a woman

ššššš walks in. We only just glimpse her.

ššššš

ššššš Cut to William working.š He looks up casually.š And sees

ššššš something.š His reaction is hard to read.š After a pause...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Um, can I help you at all?

 

ššššš It is Anna Scott, the biggest movie star in the world -- here --

ššššš in his shop.š The most divine, subtle, beautiful woman on earth.

ššššš When she speaks she is very self-assured and self-contained.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, thanks.š I'll just look around.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Fine.

 

ššššš She wanders over to a shelf as he watches her -- and picks out a

ššššš quite smart coffee table book.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

That book's really not great - just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying.š You'd be wasting your money. But if it's Turkey you're interested in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Really?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Um, this one, on the other hand, is... very

ššššššššššš good.

 

ššššš He picks up a book on the counter.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I think the man who wrote it has

ššššššššššš actually been to Turkey, which helps.

ššššššššššš There's also a very amusing incident

ššššššššššš with a kebab. Which is one of many amusing incidents.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Thanks.š I'll think about it.

 

ššššš William suddenly spies something odd on the small TV monitor

ššššš behind him.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Or, in the bigger hardback variety, there's :

/ÔÕÔ ÍÏÎÉÔÏÒ ÏÈÒÁÎÎÏÊ ËÁÍÅÒÙ ÐÏËÁÚÙ×ÁÅÔ ÞÕ×ÁËÁ ÔÉÂÒÑÝÅÇÏ ËÎÉÇÕ/

Um, sorry can you just give me a second.

 

ššššš Her eyes follow him as he moves toward the back of the shop and

ššššš approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Excuse me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš Yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bad news.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš What?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš We've got a security camera in this

ššššššššššš bit of the shop.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš So?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš So, I saw you put that book down your

ššššššššššš trousers.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš What book?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš The one down your trousers.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš I haven't got a book down my trousers.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right -- well, then we have something

ššššššššššš of an impasse.š I tell you what --

ššššššššššš I'll call the police -- and,š what can

ššššššššššš I say?š If I'm wrong about the whole

ššššššššššš book-down-the-trousers scenario, I

ššššššššššš really apologize.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš Okay -- what if I did have a book down

ššššššššššš my trousers?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, ideally, when I went back to

ššššššššššš the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan

ššššššššššš guide to Bali from your trousers, and

ššššššššššš either wipe it and put it back, or

ššššššššššš buy it.š See you in a sec.

 

ššššš He returns to his desk.š In the monitor we just glimpse, as does

ššššš William, the book coming out of the trousers and put back on the

ššššš shelves.š The thief drifts out toward the door.š Anna, who has

ššššš observed all this, is looking at a blue book on the counter.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm sorry about that...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, it's fine.š I was gonna

ššššššššššš steal one myself but now I've changed

ššššššššššš my mind.š Signed by the author, I see.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Um, yeah, Yes, we couldn't stop him.š If you

ššššššššššš can find an unsigned copy.š It's

ššššššššššš worth an absolute fortune.

 

ššššš She smiles.š Suddenly the thief is there.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš Excuse me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš Can I have your autograph?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What's your name?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš Rufus.

 

ššššš She signs his scruffy piece of paper.š He tries to read it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš What does it say?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, that's the signature -- and

ššššššššššš above, it says 'Dear Rufus -- you

ššššššššššš belong in jail.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIEF

ššššššššššš Good Nice one.š Do you want Would you like my phone

ššššššššššš number?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Tempting but... no, thank you.

 

ššššš Thief leaves.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I think I will try take this one.

 

ššššš She hands William a $B!r(J20 note and the book he said was rubbish.

ššššš He talks as he handles the transaction.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh - right % - well, on second thoughts

ššššššššššš maybe it's not that bad after all.š Actually

ššššššššššš -- it's a sort of classic masterpiece really.

ššššššššššš None of those childish kebab

ššššššššššš stories you find get in so many travel

ššššššššššš books these days.š And I tell you what. I'll throw in

ššššššššššš one of those for free.

 

ššššš He drops in one of the signed books.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Very useful for fighting fires,

ššššššššššš wrapping fish, that sort of things.

 

ššššš She looks at him with a slight smile.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Thanks.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Pleasure.

 

ššššš And leaves.š She's out of his life forever.š William is a little

ššššš dazed.š Seconds later Martin comes back in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Cappuccino as ordered.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Thanks.š I don't think you'll believe

ššššššššššš who was just in here.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Who?š Was it someone famous?

 

ššššš But William's innate natural English discretion takes over.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No. No-one -- no-one.

 

ššššš They set about drinking their coffee.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Would be exciting, though, wouldn't it if someone famous

ššššššššššš comes into the shop.

ššššššššššš Do you know -- this is

ššššššššššš pretty amuzing, incredible actually - But I once

ššššššššššš saw Ringo Starr.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Where was that?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Kensington High street.

At least I think it was Ringo.š

ššššššššššš It might have been that man from

ššššššššššš 'Fiddler On The Roof.' You know, Toppy.

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Topol.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Yes. That's right -- Topol.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Mm-hmm. Actually, But Ringo Starr doesn't - doesn't look

ššššššššššš at all like, uh, Topol.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Yeah, ... but he was - he was quite a long way

ššššššššššš Away from me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš So actually it could've been neither of them?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Yes. I suppose so. Yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.š It's not a classic anecdote,

ššššššššššš is it?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Not classic, no.

 

ššššš Martin shakes his head.š William drinks his cappuccino.

 

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right -- want another one?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Yes.š No, wait -- let's go crazy --

ššššššššššš I'll have an orange juice.

 

ššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY

 

ššššš William sets off.

 

ššššš INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

 

ššššš William collects his juice in a coffee shop on Wesbourne Park

ššššš Road.

 

ššššš EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY

 

ššššš William swings out of the little shop -- he turns the corner of

ššššš Portobello Road and bumps straight into Anna.š

The orange juice in its foam cup flies. It soaks Anna.

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Oh Jesus.

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh shit! Bugger!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Oh God!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! Here, let me : help

 

ššššš He grabs some paper napkins and starts to clean it off -- getting

ššššš far too near her breasts in the panic of it...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Get your hand off! What are you doing?

 

ššššš He jumps back.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm really sorry Nothing, nothing... Look, I live just

ššššššššššš over the street - I have, um, water and soup, you can get

ššššššššššš cleaned up.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No thank you.š I just need to get my car

ššššššššššš back.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I also have a phone.š I'm confident

ššššššššššš that in five minutes we can have you

ššššššššššš spick and span and back on the street

ššššššššššš again... in the non-prostitute sense

ššššššššššš obviously.

 

ššššš In his diffident ways, he is confident, despite her being

ššššš genuinely annoyed.š She turns and looks at him.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš All right, well, what do you mean 'just over the

ššššššššššš street' -- give it to me in yards.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Eighteen yards.š That's my house there with the blue front door.

 

ššššš He doesn't lie -- it is eighteen yards away.š She looks down.

ššššš She looks up at him.

 

ššššššššššš INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš They enter.š She carries a few stylish bags.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Come on in.š I'll just... I'll just

 

ššššš William runs in further -- it's a mess.š He kicks some old shoes

ššššš under the stairs, bins an unfinished pizza and hides a plate of

ššššš breakfast in a cupboard.š She enters the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Right, right, come in. It's, um, not quite as that tidy as it normally is, I fear.

 

ššššš And he guides her up the stairs, after taking the bag of books

ššššš from her...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš But, um, the bathroom's on the top floor.š

ššššššššššš And telephone's just - just up here.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Here, let - let me, um, :šššš

 

ššššš She heads upstairs.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Um, right the corner strait on, strait on up.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bugger.

 

 

ššššš INT. KITCHEN - DAY

 

ššššš William is tidying up frantically.š Then he hears Anna's feet on

ššššš the stairs.š She walks down, wearing a short, sparkling black

ššššš top beneath her leather jacket.š With her trainers still on.š He

ššššš is dazzled by the sight of her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Would you like a cup of tea before

ššššššššššš you go?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Coffee?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Orange juice? -- probably not.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Something else cold --

 

ššššš He moves to his very empty fridge -- and offers its only contents.

 

 

[bottles rattling]

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Coke? Water?

ššššššššššš Some disgusting sugary drink

ššššššššššš pretending to have something to do

ššššššššššš with fruits of the forest?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Would you like something to eat?

Um, something to nibble? Um, apricots, soaked in honey -- quite

ššššššššššš why, no one knows -- because it stops

ššššššššššš them tasting of apricots, and makes

ššššššššššš them taste like honey, and if you

ššššššššššš wanted honey, you'd just buy honey,

ššššššššššš instead of apricots, but nevertheless

ššššššššššš -- there we go - they're yours if you want

ššššššššššš them.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Do you always say 'no' to everything?

 

ššššš Pause.š She looks at him deep.

 

ššššš ššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No.

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

I better be going.š Thanks for your, um, ::: help.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

You're welcome and, may I also say...um,heavenly.

 

ššššš It has taken a lot to get this out loud.š He is not a smooth-

ššššš talking man.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

I'll just take my one chance to say it.š After you've read that terrible book, you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop.

ššššššššššš

ššššš She smiles.š She's cool.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Thank you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes.š Well.š My pleasure.

 

ššššš He guides her toward the door.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš So it was nice to meet you. Surreal but, um, but nice.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Sorry.

 

ššššš In a slightly awkward moment, he shows her out the door.š He

ššššš closes the door and shakes his head in wonder.š Then...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš 'Surreal but nice.'š What was I

ššššššššššš thinking?

 

ššššš ... Heš shakes his head again in horror and wanders back along

ššššš the corridor in silence.š There's a knock on the door.š He moves

ššššš back, casually...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Coming.

 

ššššš He opens the door.š It's her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Hi!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hi.š Forgot something?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I forgot my other bag.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh right, right.

 

ššššš He shoots into the kitchen and picks up the forgotten shopping

ššššš bag.š Then returns and hands it to her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Here we go.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Thanks.š Well...

 

ššššš They stand in that corridor -- in that small space.š Second time

ššššš saying goodbye.š A strange feeling of intimacy.š She leans

ššššš forward and she kisses him.š Total silence.š A real sense of the

ššššš strangers of those lips, those famous lips on his.š They part.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I very sorry about I apologize for the 'surreal but nice'

ššššššššššš comment.š Disaster...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš That's OK. Don't worry about itš I thought the

ššššššššššš apricot and honey thing business was the

ššššššššššš real low point.

 

ššššš Suddenly there is a clicking of a key in the lock.

 

ššššššššššš ššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh my God.š My flatmate.š I'm sorry --

ššššššššššš there's no excuse for him.

 

ššššš Spike walks in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššš Spike walks past unsuspiciously and heads into the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš I'm just going to go into the kitchen

ššššššššššš to get some food -- and then I'm going

ššššššššššš to tell you a story that will make your

ššššššššššš balls shrink to the size of raisins.

 

ššššš And leaves them in the corridor.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Probably best not tell anyone about

ššššššššššš this.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.š No one.š I mean, I'll tell

ššššššššššš myself sometimes but... don't worry

ššššššššššš -- I won't believe it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Bye.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bye.

 

ššššš And she leaves, with just a touch of William's hand.š Spike

ššššš comes out of the kitchen, eating something white out of a šššššš

ššššš styrofoam container with a spoon.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš There's something wrong with this

ššššššššššš yogurt.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš It's not yogurt -- it's mayonnaise.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Oh right, there we are then.

ššššššššššššššššš (takes another big spoonful)

ššššššššššš On for a video fest tonight?š I've

ššššššššššš got some absolute classics.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš The lights are off.š William and Spike on the couch, just the

ššššš light from the TV playing on their faces.š Cut to the TV full

ššššš screen.š There is Anna.š She is in a stylish Woody Allen type

ššššš modern romantic comedy, "Gramercy Park," in black and white.

 

ššššš INT. MANHATTAN ART GALLERY - DAY

 

ššššš Anna's character -- Woody Anna -- is walking around the gallery

ššššš with her famous co-star, Michael.š They should be the perfect

ššššš couple, but there is tension.š Anna is not happy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MICHAEL

ššššššššššš Smile.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MICHAEL

ššššššššššš Smile.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I've got nothing to smile about.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MICHAEL

ššššššššššš Okay in about 7 seconds, I'm going to

ššššššššššš ask you to marry me.

 

ššššš And after a couple of seconds -- wow -- she smiles.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Imagine -- somewhere in the world

ššššššššššš there's a man who's allowed to kiss

ššššššššššš her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes, she is fairly fabulous.

 

ššššššššššš INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

 

ššššš The next day.š William and Martin quietly co-existing.š An annoy-

ššššš ing customer enters.š Mr. Smith.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MR. SMITH

ššššššššššš Do you have any books by Dickens?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

No, no I'm afraid we're a travel bookshop.š We only sell travel books.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MR. SMITH

ššššššššššš Oh, right.š How about that new John

ššššššššššš Grisham thriller?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Well, no, 'cause, that's', um, that's a novel too, isn't it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MR. SMITH

ššššššššššš Oh right.š Have you got a copy of

ššššššššššš 'Winnie the Pooh'?

 

ššššš Pause.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Martin -- your customer.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Can I help you?

 

ššššš William looks up.š At that moment the entire window is suddenly

ššššš taken up by the huge side of a bus, obscuring the light -- and

ššššš entirely covered with a portrait of Anna -- from her new film,

ššššš "Helix."

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - CONDOR/LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš William heads upstairs and pauses.š Spike coming down, wearing

ššššš full body scuba diving gear.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Hey.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hi...

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN - DAY

 

ššššš The two of them fixing a cup of tea in the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Just, um, incidentally -- why are you

ššššššššššš wearing that?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Ahm -- combination of factors really.

ššššššššššš No clean clothes...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš There never will be, you know, unless

ššššššššššš you actually clean your clothes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Right.š Vicious circle.š And then I was

ššššššššššš like rooting around in your things,

ššššššššššš and found this, and I thought -- cool.

ššššššššššš Kinda : spacey.

 

ššššš EXT. WILLIAM'S TERRACE - DAY

 

ššššš The two of them on the rooftop terrace, passing the day.

ššššš William is reading 'The bookseller.'š The terrace is small and

ššššš the plants aren't great -- but it overlooks London in a rather

ššššš wonderful way.š Spike still in scuba gear, goggles on.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš There's something wrong with the

ššššššššššš goggles though...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, they were prescription,

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Groovy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

So I could see all the fishes properly.

ššššššššššš

ššššš ššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš You should do more of this stuff.

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš So, look, -- any messages today?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Yeah, I wrote a couple down.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš So there were two.š There were two messages. Right?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš You want me to write down all your

ššššššššššš messages?

 

ššššš William closes his eyes in exasperation.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Okay. Who were the ones that you didn't write

ššššššššššš down from?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Ahm let's see -- ahm.š No.š Gone

ššššššššššš completely.š Oh no, waitš there was --

ššššššššššš one from your mum: she said don't

ššššššššššš forget lunch and her leg's hurting

ššššššššššš again.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.š No one else?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Absolutely no one else.

 

ššššš Spike looks back and relaxes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Though if we're going for this

ššššššššššš obsessive writing-down-all-messages

ššššššššššš thing -- some American girl called

ššššššššššš Anna called a few days ago.

 

ššššš William freezes -- then looks at Spike.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš What did she say?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Well, it was genuinely bizarre...

ššššššššššš she said, hi -- it's Anna -- and then

ššššššššššš she said, call me at the Ritz -- and

ššššššššššš then gave herself a completely

ššššššššššš different name.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Which one?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Absolutely no idea.š Remembering one

ššššššššššš name's hard enough...

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš William on the phone.š We hear the formal man at the other end of

ššššš the phone.š And then interact with him.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hello.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN (V.O.)

ššššššššššš May I help you, sir?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No. I - I know that. She said that.

Ahm, look this is a very odd

ššššššššššš situation.š I'm a friend of Anna

ššššššššššš Scott's -- and she rang me at home the

ššššššššššš day before yesterday -- and left a

ššššššššššš message saying she's staying with

ššššššššššš you...

 

ššššš INT. RITZ RECEPTION - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN

ššššššššššš I'm sorry, we don't have anyone of

ššššššššššš that name here, sir.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, that's right -- I know that.

Um, I know she's using another name -- but

ššššššššššš the problem is she left the message

ššššššššššš with my flat mate, which was a serious

ššššššššššš mistake.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM (cont'd)

ššššššššššš Um, I don't know, imagine, if you will, the stupidest

ššššššššššš person you've ever met -- are you

ššššššššššš doing that...?

 

ššššš Spike happens to be in the foreground of this shot.š He's read-

ššššš ing a newspaper.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN

ššššššššššš Yes, sir.š I have him in my mind.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš And now double it -- and that is the

ššššššššššš -- what can I say -- git I'm living

ššššššššššš with and he cannot remember...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Try 'Flinstone.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (to Spike)

ššššššššššš Sorry, what?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš I think she said her name was 'Flinstone.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

I don't - I don't suppose, um, Flintstone rings any bells does it?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN

ššššššššššš I'll put you right through, sir.

 

ššššš Flinstone is indeed the magic word.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh my God.

 

ššššš He practices how to sound.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hello.š Hi.š Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA (V.O.)

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššš We hear her voice -- don't see her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (caught out)

ššššššššššš Oh hi.š Sorry. It's William : Thacker.š We,

ššššššššššš ahm I work in a bookshop.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA (V.O.)

ššššššššššš You played it pretty cool here,

ššššššššššš waiting for three days to call.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh, no. I promise you I've never played anything cool

ššššššššššš in my entire life.š My flat mate, Spike, who'll I'll

ššššššššššš stab to death later, never gave me the

ššššššššššš message.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA (V.O.)

ššššššššššš Oh -- Okay.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I don't know, perhaps, um, I could drop round for tea or

ššššššššššš something?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA (V.O.)

ššššššššššš Yeh -- unfortunately, things are

ššššššššššš going to be pretty busy here, I might be free around 4:00.

ššššššššššš let's give it a try.š Four o'clock

ššššššššššš could be good.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.š Right.š Great. Bye.

ššššššššššššššššš (he hangs up)

ššššššššššš Classic.š Classic.

 

ššššššššššš EXT. RITZ - DAY

 

ššššš William jumps off a bus and walks toward the Ritz.š He carries a

ššššš small bunch of roses.

 

ššššš INT. RITZ HOTEL - DAY

 

ššššš He approaches the lifts.š At the lift, he pushes the button and

ššššš the doors open.š As he is getting in, William is jointed by a

ššššš young man.š His name is Tarquin.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Which floor?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš Three.

 

ššššš William pushes the button.š They wait for the doors to close.

 

ššššš INT. RITZ CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš The lift lands.š William gets out.š So does Tarquin.š Rooms

ššššš 30-35 are to the left.š 35-39 to the right.š William heads right.

ššššš So does Tarquin.

 

ššššš William is puzzled.š He slows down as he approaches room 38.š So

ššššš does Tarquin.š William spots, so does Tarquin.š William points

ššššš at the number.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Um, are you sure you...?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh.š Right.

 

ššššš He knocks.š A bright, well-tailored American girl opens the door.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Hey. Hi. I'm Karen.š Sorry -- things

ššššššššššš are running a bit late.š Here's the, um, thing...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš Cheers.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Do you wanna come this way?

Through here.

 

ššššš She hands them a very slick, expensively produced press kits,

ššššš with the poster picture of Anna, for the film 'Helix.'

 

ššššš INT. THE TRAFALGAR SUITE ANTE-ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš A few seconds later -- they enter the main waiting room.š There

ššššš are a number of journalists waiting for their audience.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš So what did you think of the film?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš Yeah, I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was, um, Marvellous.š

'Close Encounters' meets 'Jean De Forette.' Oscar-winning stuff.

ššššššššššš

ššššš They both turn to William for his opinion.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I agree.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš I'm sorry I didn't get down what

ššššššššššš magazines you're from.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš 'Time Out.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Great.š And you from...

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (seeing it on a coffee

ššššššššššššššššš štable)

ššššššššššš 'Horse and Hound.'š The name's

ššššššššššš William Whacker.š I think she might

ššššššššššš be expecting me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Oh, Okay -- take a seat and I'll go check.

 

ššššš They sit down as Karen goes off.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

I see you've, uh, - I see you've brought her some flowers?

 

ššššš William goes for the cover-up.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No -- these're... for my, um, grandmother.

ššššššššššš She's in a hospital down the road. Thought

ššššššššššš I'd kill two birds with one stone.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

Sure, right, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry.š Which hospital's that?

 

ššššš Pause.š He's in trouble.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Do you mind me not saying -- it's a

ššššššššššš rather distressing disease and the

ššššššššššš name of the hospital kind of gives it

ššššššššššš away.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš Absolutely. Sure. Cheers. Ooh, yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

Right, um, Mr. Thacker. If you come this way?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

 

Right.

 

ššššš Saved by the bell.

 

ššššš INT. TRAFALGAR SUIT CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš You've got five minutes.

 

ššššš He is shown in through big golden doors.š Karen stays outside.

 

ššššš INT. THE TRAFALGAR SUITE SITTING ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš There Anna is, framed in the window.š Glorious.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Hello.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I brought these, but clearly...

 

ššššš There are lots of other flowers in the room.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, ho - they're great. They're great.

 

ššššš A fair amount of tension.š These two people hardly know each

ššššš other -- and the first and last time they met, they kissed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Ah, listen, I'm sorry about not ringing back.š The

ššššššššššš whole two-names concept was totally too

ššššššššššš much for my flatman's pea-sized

ššššššššššš intellect.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, it's a stupid privacy thing.š I

ššššššššššš always pick a : cartoon character --

ššššššššššš last time out, I was Mrs. Bambi.

 

ššššš At which moment Jeremy, Karen's boss, comes in.š A fairly grave,

ššššš authoritative fifty-year-old PR man consulting a list.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Everything all right?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes, thank you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš And you are from a :?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

'Horse and Hound'

ššššš William nods.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Is that so?

 

ššššš William shrugs his shoulders.š Jeremy settles at a little desk

ššššš in the corner and makes notes.š A pause.š William feels he has to

ššššš act the part.š They sit in chairs opposite each other.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš So I'll just fire away then, shall I?

 

ššššš Anna nods.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.š Ahm... the film's great...

ššššššššššš and I just was wondering whether : you

ššššššššššš ever thought of having more...

ššššššššššš horses in it?

 

ššššššššššš ššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Ahm -- well -- we would have liked to

ššššššššššš -- but it was difficult, obviously,

ššššššššššš being set in space.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Space. Right. Yeah. Obviously. Very difficult.

 

ššššš Jeremy leaves.

 

ššššš William puts his head in his hands.š He was panic.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm so sorry -- I arrived outside -- they

ššššššššššš thrust this thing into my hand -- I

ššššššššššš don't know what to do.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, it's my fault, I thought this

ššššššššššš would all be over by now.š I just

ššššššššššš wanted to sort of apologize for the

ššššššššššš kissing thing.š I seriously don't

ššššššššššš know what got in to me.š I just wanted

ššššššššššš to make sure you were fine about it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely fine. about it.

 

ššššš Re-enter Jeremy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Do remember that Miss Scott is also

ššššššššššš keen to talk about her next project,

ššššššššššš which is : shooting later in the summer.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh yes - excellent, excellent.š Ahm -- any horses

ššššššššššš in that one?š Or hounds[S2] for that matter .š Our

ššššššššššš readers are equally intrigued by both

ššššššššššš species.

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš It takes place on a submarine.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Oh. Well, bad lick. But, um, if there were horses in it, would you be riding them: or would you be getting a stunt-horse-person-double-man-thing?

 

ššššš Jeremy exits.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm a complete moron.š I apologize. I - This is very weird.

ššššššššššš It's the sort of thing that happens

ššššššššššš in dreams -- not in real life.š I mean, Good

ššššššššššš dreams, it's a -- it's a dream, in fact uh,š to

ššššššššššš see you again.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What happens next in the dream?

 

ššššš It's a challenge.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I suppose in the, uh, dream-- dream scenario --

ššššššššššš I just... ahm, change my personality,

ššššššššššš because you can do that in dreams, and

ššššššššššš walk over and uh, kiss the girl, but uh --

 

ššššš Pause.š Then they move towards each other when... Jeremy

ššššš enters.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Time's up, I'm afraid.š Sorry it was

ššššššššššš so short.š Did you get what you wanted?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Um, neatly. Neatly

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Well, maybe just one last question?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Sure.[shor]

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right. Right.

 

ššššš Jeremy goes out -- it's their last seconds.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Are you: busy tonight?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right. Right.

 

ššššš They look at each other.š Jeremy enters, with another journalists

ššššš in row.š Anna and William stand and shake hands formally.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Come in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, it was nice to meet you.š

ššššššššššš

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes, and you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Surreal : but nice.

 

š ššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Thank you.š You are 'Horse and Hound's'

ššššššššššš favorite actress.š You and Black

ššššššššššš Beauty.š Tied.

 

ššššš INT. TRAFALGAR SUITE CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš William exits fairly despondent and heads for the door.š Tarquin

ššššš is in the corridor calling on his mobile phone.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš How was she?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh, um, fabulous.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TARQUIN

ššššššššššš Excellent. Wait a minute -- she took your

ššššššššššš grandmother's flowers?

 

ššššš William can't think his way out of this.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Uh, yeah, yeah. That's right.š Bitch.

 

ššššš He turns to go, but is accosted by Karen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Oh, Mr. Tacker! If you'd like to come with me we can

ššššššššššš rush you through the others.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš The others?

 

ššššš INT. RITZ INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Mr. Thacker is from 'Horse and Hound.'

 

ššššš A forty-year-old actor with great presence warmly shakes

ššššš William's hand.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MALE LEAD

ššššššššššš How's it going?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Very well, thank you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MALE LEAD

ššššššššššš Have a seat. Well, did you enjoy the film?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes, enormously. Right, right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MALE LEAD

ššššššššššš Well, fire away. I did.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right. Did you enjoy making the film?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MALE LEAD

ššššššššššš Yes. I did.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Good. Any bit in particular?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MALE LEAD

ššššššššššš You tell me what bit you liked

ššššššššššš most -- and I'll tell you if I enjoyed

ššššššššššš making that bit.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Ahm, I liked the bit in

ššššššššššš Space : very much.š Did you enjoy

ššššššššššš making šššš that bit?

 

ššššš INT. RITZ INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš Same room same seat, minutes later, with a monolingual foreign

ššššš actor and an interpreter.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Did you identify with the character

ššššššššššš you were playing?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš INTERPRETER

ššššššššššš Te identicaste con el personaje que

ššššššššššš interpretabas?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš FOREIGN ACTOR

ššššššššššš No.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš INTERPRETER

ššššššššššš No.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Ah.š Why not?

 

ššššššššššš ššššššššššš INTERPRETER

ššššššššššš Por que no?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš FOREIGN ACTOR

ššššššššššš Porque es un robot carnivore

ššššššššššš psicopata.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš INTERPRETER

ššššššššššš Because he is playing a psychopathic

ššššššššššš flesh-eating robot.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Classic.

 

ššššš INT. RITZ INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš And now William is sitting opposite an eleven-year-old American

ššššš girl.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš So, uh, is this your first film?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GIRL

ššššššššššš No -- it's my 22nd.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Of course it is.š Any favorite among

ššššššššššš the 22?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GIRL

ššššššššššš Working with Leonardo.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Da Vinci?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GIRL

ššššššššššš Di Caprio.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Of course.š And is he your favorite

ššššššššššš Italian film director?

 

ššššš INT. RITZ CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš William emerges traumatized into the corridor.š It is full of

ššššš camera crews.š And there is Karen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Mr. Thacker?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (so weary)

ššššššššššš Oh, no.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Have you got a minute?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (so weary)

ššššššššššš No : Yes.

 

ššššš INT. ANNA'S SUITE SITTING ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš They knock on her door.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA (V.O.)

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Hi.

 

ššššš William enters.š A certain nervousness.š They are alone again.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Ahm. Yes, so the, um, --šš the thing I was doing tonight

ššššššššššš -- I'm not doing it any more.š I told

ššššššššššš them I had to spend the evening with

ššššššššššš Britain's premier equestrian

ššššššššššš journalist.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh well, great.š Fantastic. Oh --

ššššššššššš shittity brickitty -- it's my sister's

ššššššššššš birthday -- shit -- we're meant to be

ššššššššššš having dinner.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Okay -- fine.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, I'm sure I can get out of it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, I mean, if it's fine with you,

ššššššššššš I'll, you know, be your date.

 

ššššššššššš ššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You -- You'll be my date to my little sister's

ššššššššššš birthday party.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš If that's all right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm sure it's all right.š My friend

ššššššššššš Max is cooking and he's acknowledged

ššššššššššš to be the worst cook in the world, but

ššššššššššš you know, you could hide the food in

ššššššššššš your handbag or something.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Okay.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Okay.

 

ššššššššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš Bella and Max are in the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš He's bringing a girl?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Miracles do happen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššš ššššš Does the girl have a name?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Don't know, wouldn't say.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Christ, what is going on in there?

 

ššššš The oven seems to be smoking a little.š Then the bell rings.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX (cont'd)

ššššššššššššššššš Oh God.

 

ššššš It's had timing.š Max shoots out of the kitchen.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT

 

ššššš Max heads for the door impatiently.š He opens it and turns back

ššššš without looking at William and Anna standing there.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Hi. Come on in.š Vague food crisis.

 

ššššš William and Anna move along the corridor to the kitchen.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš Bella is there.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Hiya -- sorry -- the guinea fowl is

ššššššššššš proving more complicatedš than

ššššššššššš expected.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš He's cooking guinea fowl?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Don't even ask.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššš ššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Hi.š Good Lord -- you're the spitting

ššššššššššš image of...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bella -- this is Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Right.

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Okay.š Crisis over.

 

ššššš He rises from his stove position.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Max.š This is Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Hello, Anna ahm...

ššššššššššššššššš (He recognizes her -- the

ššššššššššššššššš šword just falls out)

ššššššššššš Scott -- have some wine.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Thank you.

 

ššššš Door bell goes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš I'll get it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Red or white?šššš

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT

 

ššššš Max opens the door -- it is Honey.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Oh.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Hey.

 

ššššš She does a little pose, having worn a real party dress.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Oh, Yes. Happy Birthday.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Thank you.

 

ššššš They head back along the corridor. Kiss to Mex.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššššššššššššššššššššš Look, your brother's brought this

ššššššššššš girl, and ahm...

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš They enter the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Hi guys.

ššššššššššššššššš (sees Anna)

Oh holy fuck!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hun -- this is Anna.š Anna -- this is

ššššššššššš Honey -- she's my baby sister.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Oh, Hiya.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Oh God this is one of those key moments

ššššššššššš in life, when it's possible you can be

really, genuinely cool -- and I-I'm going to fail just a 100%. I - I absolutely, totally and utterly adore you and I just think

ššššššššššš you're the most beautiful woman in the

ššššššššššš world and more importantly I genuinely

ššššššššššš believe and I've believed for some

ššššššššššš time now that we could be best friends.

ššššššššššš So what do you think?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Ahm... I think that sounds -- you know

ššššššššššš -- lucky me.š Well. Happy Birthday.

 

ššššš She hands her a present.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Oh.š You gave me a present.

ššššššššššš We're best friends already then.š Marry

ššššššššššš Will -- he's a really nice guy and

ššššššššššš then we can be sisters.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'll think about it.

 

ššššš The front door bell goes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš That'll be Bernie.

 

ššššš He heads out into the corridor to the front door.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT

 

ššššš Max opens the door.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Hello, Bernie.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš I'm sorry I'm so late.š Bollocksed up

ššššššššššš at work again, I fear.š Millions down

ššššššššššš the drain.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Well done.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš They enter the room.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Bernie -- this is Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Hello, Anna.š Delighted to meet you.

 

ššššš Doesn't recognize her -- turns to Honey.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Honey Bunny -- happy birthday to you.

ššššššššššššššššš (hands her a present)

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Hi Bella.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššš Um, it's a hat.š You don't have to wear

ššššššššššš it or anything. Hi, will.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hi. Hi: Hi:

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Well.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Wine, Bernie?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Mm.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš A minute or two later -- they are standing, drinking wine before

ššššš dinner.š Bernie with Anna on their own -- William helping Max in

ššššš the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš You haven't slept with her, have you?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš That is a cheap question and the answer

ššššššššššš is, of course, no comment.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš 'No comment' means 'yes.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, it doesn't.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Do you ever masturbate?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Definitely no comment.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš You see -- it means 'yes.'

 

ššššš ššššššššššššššššš Honey

ššššššššššš Oh my God!

 

ššššš Then on to Bernie's conversation.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš So um, tell me, um, Anna -- what do you do?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'm an actress.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Oh, splendid.š

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What do you do?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

I'm actually in the stock-

ššššššššššš Market myself, so, not really similar fields,

ššššššššššš though I have done some amateur stuff

-- P.G. Wodehouse, Farce, all that, you know.š 'Ooh -- careful there,

ššššššššššš vicar.'š Always imagined it's a

ššššššššššš pretty tough job, though, acting.

ššššššššššš I mean the wages are a scandal,

ššššššššššš aren't they?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, they can be.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš I see friends from university --

ššššššššššš clever chaps -- been in the business

ššššššššššš longer than you -- they're scraping

ššššššššššš by on seven, eight thousand a year.

ššššššššššš It's no life.š What sort of acting

ššššššššššš do you do?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Films mainly.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Oh splendid.š Well done.š How's the

ššššššššššš pay in movies?š I mean, last film you

ššššššššššš did, what did you get paid?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Fifteen million dollars.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Right.š So that's... fairly

ššššššššššš good.š On the high side... have you

ššššššššššš tried the nuts?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Right -- I think we're ready.

 

ššššš They all move towards the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššššššššš (to Bella)

ššššššššššš Bella, could you tell me where

ššššššššššš I can find...?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Oh, sorry, yeah, it's just down the corridor on

ššššššššššš the right.

 

ššššššššššš ššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš I'll show you. I'll show you.

 

ššššš A moment's silence as they leave -- then in a split second the

ššššš others all turn to William.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Quickly, quickly -- talk very quickly

ššššššššššš what are you doing here with Anna

ššššššššššš Scott?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Anna Scott?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš What? The movie star?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Yup.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Oh God.š Oh God.š Oh Goddy God.

 

ššššš The horror of his remembered conversation slowly unfolds.

ššššš Honey re-enters.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš I don't believe it.š I walked into the

ššššššššššš loo with her.š I was still talking when

ššššššššššš she started unbuttoning her jeans...

ššššššššššš She had to ask me to leave.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Oh, God. So you know who she was?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Of cause I did, but he didn't.

 

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Well, not instantly, but - - I - I got with it.š

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT

 

ššššš A little later.š They are sat at dinner.š Bella next to Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš What do you think of the guinea fowl?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššššššššš (whispering)

ššššššššššš I'm a vegetarian.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Oh God.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš So how the guinea fowl?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Best guinea fowl I've ever tested. I'm a vegetarian.

š

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT

 

ššššš Moving through the evening -- they are very relaxed, as they eat

ššššš dinner.š A few seconds watching the evening going well -- Anna

ššššš is taking this in -- real friends -- relaxed -- easy, teasing.

ššššš And there's a cake.š Honey wears Bernie's unsuitable hat.š Anna

ššššš watches William laughing at something and then putting his head

ššššš in his hands with mock shame.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT

 

ššššš Coffee time.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Having you here, Anna, firmly

ššššššššššš establishes what I've long suspected,

ššššššššššš that we really are the most desperate

ššššššššššš hot of under-achievers.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Shame!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš I'm not saying it's a bad thing, in

ššššššššššš fact, I think it's something we should

ššššššššššš take pride in.š I'm going to give the

ššššššššššš last brownie as a prize to the saddest

ššššššššššš act here.

 

ššššš A little pause.š Then William turns to Bernie.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bernie.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Well, obviously it's me, isn't it --

ššššššššššš I work in the City in a job I don't

ššššššššššš understand and everyone keeps getting

ššššššššššš promoted above me.š I haven't had a

ššššššššššš girlfriends since... puberty and,

ššššššššššš well, the long and short of it is,

ššššššššššš nobody fancies me, and if these cheeks

ššššššššššš get any chubbier, they never will.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Nonsense.š I fancy you.š

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Really?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Yeah. Or I did before you got so fat.

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš You see -- and unless I'm much mistaken,

ššššššššššš your job still pays you rather a lot of

ššššššššššš money, while Honey here earns 20 pens a week:

ššššššššššš flogging her guts out at London's seediest worst record store.

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Yes.š And I haven't got hair -- I've got

ššššššššššš feathers, and I've got funny goggly

ššššššššššš eyes, and I'm attracted to cruel men. And

ššššššššššš ... no one'll ever marry me because my

ššššššššššš boosies have actually started

ššššššššššš shrinking.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš You see - it's incredibly sad.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš But on the other hand, her best friend is

ššššššššššš Anna Scott.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš That's true, I can't deny it.š She

ššššššššššš needs me, what can I say?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš And most of her limbs work.š Whereas

ššššššššššš I'm stuck in its thing day and night,

ššššššššššš in a house full of ramps.š And to add

ššššššššššš insult to serious injury -- I've

ššššššššššš totally given up smoking, my favorite

ššššššššššš thing, and the well, the truth is... we can't

ššššššššššš have a baby.

 

ššššš Dead silence.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bella.

 

 

ššššš Bella shrugs her shoulders.š Bernie is totally grief-struck.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš No.š Not true...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš C'est la vie... Still we're lucky in lots

ššššššššššš of ways, but... Surely it's worth a

ššššššššššš brownie.

 

ššššš William reaches for her hand. šMax breaks the sombre mood.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Well, I don't know.š Look at

ššššššššššš William.š Very unsuccessful

ššššššššššš professionally.š Divorced.š Used to

ššššššššššš be handsome, now kind of squidgy

ššššššššššš around the edges -- and absolutely

ššššššššššš certain never to hear from Anna again

ššššššššššš after she's heard that his nickname

ššššššššššš at school was Floppy.

 

ššššš They all laugh.š Anna smiles across at William.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

You did. I can't believe it, you did. Thanks very much. Thank you. Well, at least I get the last brownie, right?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš I think you so.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Oh wait a minute.š What about me?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš I'm sorry?š You think you deserve the

ššššššššššš brownie?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well... a shot at it, at least, huh?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You'll have to prove it.š This is a

ššššššššššš Very, very good brownie and I am gonna fight

ššššššššššš for it.š State your claim.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, I've been on a diet every day since I was

ššššššššššš nineteen, which basically means I've

ššššššššššš been hungry for a decade.š I've had a

ššššššššššš series of not nice boyfriends -- one

ššššššššššš of whom hit me: and every time I get my heart

ššššššššššš broken. it gets splashed across

ššššššššššš The newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment.š

And it's taken two rather painful, um, operations: to get me looking like this.š Meantime, it cost millions to get me looking like this...

ššššššššššš

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Really?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Really -- and one day, not long from

ššššššššššš now...

 

ššššš While she says this, quiet settles around the table.š The thing

ššššš is -- she sort of means it and is opening up to them.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš ... my looks will go, they will discover

ššššššššššš I can't act and I'll become a sad

ššššššššššš middle-aged woman who looks a bit like

ššššššššššš someone who was famous for a while.

 

ššššš Silence... they all look at her... then.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Nah!!!š Nice try, gorgeous -- but you

ššššššššššš don't fool anyone.

 

ššššš The mood is instantly broken.š They all laugh.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM/CORRIDOR - NIGHT

 

ššššš Anna and William are leaving.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Thank you for such a terrific time. That's a great tie.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš I'm delighted.

 

ššššš He holds out his hand to shake.š She kisses him on the cheek.

ššššš He stumbles back with joy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš That's a great tie.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Now you're lying.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš OK. It's true. I told you. I was bad at acting.š

 

ššššš Max loves this.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššššššššš (to Bella)

ššššššššššš It was lovely to meet you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Yeah. And you.š I'll wait till you've gone

ššššššššššš before I tell him you're a vegetarian.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš No!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Oh. Good night, night, Honey.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Anna, I'm so sorry about the loo thing.

ššššššššššš I meant to leave but I just...

ššššššššššš look, ring me if you need someone to

ššššššššššš go shopping with.š I know lots of

ššššššššššš nice, cheap places... not that money

ššššššššššš necessarily...

ššššššššššššššššš (gives up)

ššššššššššš It was just nice to meet you.

 

ššššš And Honey gives her a huge hug.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Happy birthday. You too -- from now on you're my

ššššššššššš style guru.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Sorry. Can I just : thanks.

 

ššššš Anna and William head out... Bernie tries to save some dignity.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Leave her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Good night everyone.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Max. Bella. We'll see you in a couple of days.šš

 

ššššš They move to the door and wave goodbye.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Love your work.

 

ššššš EXT. MAX AND BELLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

 

ššššš William and Anna step outside.š From inside they hear a massive

ššššš and hysterical scream of the friends letting out their true

ššššš feelings.š William is a little embarrassed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Sorry -- they always do that when I

ššššššššššš leave the house. It's a stupid thing. I hate it.

 

ššššš The house is in Lansdowne Road, on the edge of Notting Hill.

ššššš They walk for a moment.š A bit of silence.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Floppy, huh?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš It's the hair!š It's to do with the

ššššššššššš hair.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Why is she in a wheelchair?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Because she had an accident -- about eighteen

ššššššššššš months ago.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš And the pregnancy thing -- is that to

ššššš ššššš do with the accident?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You know, I'm not sure.š I don't

ššššššššššš think they'd tried for kids before,

ššššššššššš as fate would have it.

 

ššššš They walk in silence for a moment.š Then...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Do you want to, um, my place is just:, um:š you like to come... my house is

ššššššššššš just...?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Too complicated.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš That's fine.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Busy tomorrow?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I thought you were leaving tomorrow.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I was.

 

ššššš EXT. NOTTING HILL GARDEN - NIGHT

 

ššššš A little later in the walk.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What's in there?

 

ššššš They are now walking by a five foot railing, with foliage

ššššš behind it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Gardens.š All these streets round

ššššššššššš here have these mysterious communal

ššššššššššš gardens in the middle of them.š

ššššššššššš They're like little village.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Let's go in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Ah no -- that's the point -- they're

ššššššššššš private villages -- only the people

ššššššššššš who live round the edges are allowed

ššššššššššš in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You abide by rules like that?

 

 

 

ššššš Her look makes it clear that she is waiting with interest on

ššššš the answer to this.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Ahm... Heck no I don't know. No, no, but others do. -- I just do what I want.

 

 

ššššš He rattles the gate, then starts his climb -- but doesn't quite

ššššš make it, and falls back onto the pavement...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (casually)

ššššššššššš Um, right. Whoopsidaisies.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What did you say?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Nothing.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes, you did.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, I didn't.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You said "whoopsidaisies."

 

ššššš Tiny pause.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I don't think so.š No one says

ššššššššššš "whoopsidaisies," do they -- I mean

ššššššššššš unless they're...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš There is no "unless."š 'cause no one has said

ššššššššššš "whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and

ššššššššššš even then it was - it was just only little girls

ššššššššššš with blonde ringlets.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Exactly. Right. So here we go again.

 

ššššš He fails, and unfortunately spontaneously...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Whoopsidaisies.

 

ššššš They look at each other.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yeah. Well. It's a disease I've got -- it's a

ššššššššššš clinical thing, I'm taking pills and I'm

ššššššššššš having injections -- it won't last long.

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš OK. Step aside.

 

ššššš She starts to climb.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I don't think it's a good idea. It's quite some, um, tricky, Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Anna don't -- it's

ššššššššššš harder than it looks...

 

ššššš But she's already almost over.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh no it's not -- it's easy.

 

ššššš A few seconds later.š Anna jumps down into the garden.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Come on, Flopsy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

Right. All right. Oh, bugger. Oh, God. This could be very unpleasant. Ay. Bugger. Bugger.

 

ššššš William clambers over with terrible difficulty, dusts himself

ššššš off, and heads towards where she stands.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Now seriously -- what in the world

ššššššššššš in this garden could make that

ššššššššššš ordeal worthwhile?

 

ššššš She leans forward -- and, for the firs time since the first

ššššš time -- she kisses him.š This time a proper kiss.š A tiny pause.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Nice garden.

 

ššššš EXT. MAGIC GARDEN - NIGHT

 

ššššš They walk around the garden.š It's a moonlit dream.š We see

ššššš the lights of the houses that surround the garden.š They come

ššššš across a single, simple wooden bench.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš "For June, who loved this garden --

ššššššššššš from Joseph who always sat beside

ššššššššššš her."

 

ššššš We cut in and see an inscription carved into the wood.š She

ššššš doesn't read the dates, carved below -- "June Wetherby, 1917

ššššš - 1992."š She is slightly chocked by it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Some people do spend their whole

ššššššššššš lives together.

 

ššššš He nods.š They are standing on either side of the bench,

ššššš looking at each other.š The camera glides away from them, up

ššššš into the night sky, leaving them alone in the garden.š Music

ššššš plays.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Come and seat with me.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

 

ššššš William in a towel rushes downstairs, having just had a shower.

ššššš He shoots past Spike.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.š Have

ššššššššššš you seen my glasses?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš No, 'fraid not.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Big. Big. Bollocks.

ššššššššššššššššš (still searching --

ššššššššššššššššš šwith no help from

ššššššššššššššššš šSpike)

ššššššššššš Average day, my glasses are

ššššššššššš everywhere -- everywhere I look,

glasses.š But when I want to go to the cinema they've vanished. It's one of life's

ššššššššššš real cruelties.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš That's compared to, like,

ššššššššššš earthquakes in the Far East or

ššššššššššš testicular cancer?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh shit, is that the time?š I have to

ššššššššššš go.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM/CORRIDOR - EVENING

 

ššššš He sprints downstairs, now fully dressed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (not meaning it)

ššššššššššš Thanks for all your help on the glasses

ššššššššššš thing.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššššššššš (sincerely)

ššššššššššš You're welcome.š Did you find them?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Sort of.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Great.

 

ššššš INT. CINEMA - NIGHT

 

ššššš Mid-film.š We move across the audience.š And there is in the

ššššš middle of it, we see Anna, watching the screen, and next to

ššššš her, William, watching the film keenly, through his scuba-

ššššš diving goggles.

 

ššššššššššš INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

ššššš A very smart Japanese restaurant.š We see Anna and William

ššššš sitting, near the end of their meal.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš So who left who?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Um, she left me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Why?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš She saw through me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Uh-oh.š That's not good.

 

ššššš We've been aware of the conversation at a nearby table --

ššššš now we can hear it.š Two slightly rowdy men.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš No - No- No!š Give me Anna Scott any

ššššššššššš day.

 

ššššš William and Anna look at each other.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GERALD

ššššššššššš I didn't like that last film of hers.

ššššššššššš Fast asleep from the moment the

ššššššššššš lights went down.

 

ššššš Again -- Anna reacts.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš Don't really care what the film are

ššššššššššš like.š Any film with her in it --

ššššššššššš fine by me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GERALD

ššššššššššš No -- not my type at all really.š I

ššššššššššš prefer that other one -- blonde --

ššššššššššš sweet looking - you know, has an orgasm every

ššššššššššš time you take her out for a cup of

ššššššššššš coffee.

 

ššššš Anna mouths "Meg Ryan."

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš Meg Ryan.

 

ššššš William and Anna smile -- they're enjoying it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš No, she's too wholesome. The point about Miss Scot is: She's got twinkle in her eyes.

 

ššššš Anna's twinkle fades.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GERALD

ššššššššššš Probably drug-induced, spends most of her life in bloody rehab.

 

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

Whatever, she's so clearly up for it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš You see the most girls, they're all

ššššššššššš "stay away chum" but Anna, she's

ššššššššššš absolutely gagging for it.š Do you

ššššššššššš know that in over fifty percent of

ššššššššššš languages the word for "actress" is

ššššššššššš the same as the word for "prostitute."

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GERALD

ššššššššššš When did you get that from?

 

ššššš This is horrible.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš And Anna is your definitive actress

ššššššššššš -- someone really filthy [S3] you can just

ššššššššššš flip [S4] over...and start again.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right, that's it. Sorry.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No. No. That's really no point.

 

ššššš He gets up and goes round the cover to the men.š There are in

ššššš fact four of them, the two meeker men, Gavin and Harry, hanging

ššššš on the other guys' witty words.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm sorry - -sorry to disturb you guys but --

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš Can I help you?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, yeah, I wish I hadn't overheard

ššššššššššš your conversation -- but I did and I

ššššššššššš just think, you know...

 

ššššš He's not a very convincing or frightening figure.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš ...the person you're talking about

ššššššššššš is a real person and I think she

ššššššššššš probably deserves a little bit more

ššššššššššš consideration, rather than having

ššššššššššš jerks like you drooling over her...

 

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš Oh sod off, mate.š What are you, her

ššššššššššš dad?

 

ššššš Anna suddenly appears at his side and whips him away without

ššššš being recognized.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm sorry.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, no.š I love that you

ššššššššššš tried... time was I'd have done the

ššššš ššššš same.

 

ššššš They walk on and then...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš In fact -- give me a second.

 

ššššš And she walks straight back to their table.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš Oh my God...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'm sorry about my friend -- he's

ššššššššššš very sensitive.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš LAWRENCE

ššššššššššš No, look, I'm sorry...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, no ,no. Please, leave

ššššššššššš it.š Just, you know, I'm sure you didn't mean any harm,

ššššššššššš and I'm sure it was just friendly banter.

I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts.

A perfect match for the size of your brains. Enjoy your meal.š The tuna's really good.

 

ššššš And she walks away.š Gerald turns to Lawrence.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš GERALD

ššššššššššš You prick.

 

ššššš EXT. RITZ ARCADE - NIGHT

 

ššššš They are walking.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I shouldn't have done that.š I

ššššššššššš shouldn't have done that.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, you were brilliant.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'm rash and I'm stupid and what

ššššššššššš am I doing with you?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I don't know, I'm afraid.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I don't know either.

 

ššššš They have arrived at the end of the arcade.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Here we are.

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš Do you want to come up?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (he hoes)

ššššššššššš There seem to be lots of reasons

ššššššššššš why I shouldn't.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš There are lots of reasons:š Do you

ššššššššššš want to come up?

 

ššššš His look says yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Give me five minutes.

 

ššššš He watches her go -- and stands in the street.š Music plays.

 

ššššš INT. RITZ CORRIDOR/ANNA'S SUITE - NIGHT

 

ššššš William coming along the hotel corridor.š He knocks on the

ššššš door.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Hiya.

 

ššššš There's something slightly angry.š He doesn't notice.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššš He kisses her gently on the cheek.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš To be able to do that is such a

ššššššššššš wonderful thing.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš You've got to go.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Why?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Because my boyfriend, who I thought

ššššššššššš was in America, is in fact in the

ššššššššššš next room.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Your boyfriend?

 

ššššš He is duly shocked.š She's trying to be calm.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF (V.O.)

ššššššššššš Hey! Baby. Who is it?

 

ššššš Jeff drifts into view behind.š He is a very famous film star and

ššššš looks the part -- well built, very handsome.š Unshaved, he has

ššššš magic charm, whatever he says.š Over a t-shirt, he wears a

ššššš shirt, which he unbuttons as he talks.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Um...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Ahm..., room service.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Oh. How you doing?š I thought you guys

ššššššššššš all wore those penguin coats.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Usually we do. - But I was just um, just, um,

ššššššššššš changed to go home - and, then, I thought

ššššššššššš I'd just take this final call.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

Oh great.š If you don't mind I would like something too. Could you bring me up some really, really cold water?

ššššššššššš

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'll see what I can do.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Still, not sparkling.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Absolutely.š Ice cold still water.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Unless it's illegal in the UK to

ššššššššššš serve liquids below room temperature:

ššššššššššš I don't want you going to jail just

ššššššššššš to satisfy my whims now...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, I'm sure it'll be fine.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Thank you. Hey. One more thing, if you don't mind. Could you just adios the

ššššššššššš Dirty dishes and take out that trash too.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No. No.

 

ššššš And he does just that.š Scoops up the two used plates and heads

ššššš to the bin.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No -- don't do that - I don't think

ššššššššššš It's his job to clear.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's your name, man?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Ahm... Bernie.

 

ššššš Jeff slips him a fiver.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Oh, listen Bernie. Thank you, Bernie. I really appreciate you.

ššššššššššššššššš (to Anna)

ššššššššššš Hey you. So tell me, tell me, tell me -- nice surprise, or nasty

ššššššššššš surprise?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Good surprise.

 

ššššš He kisses her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Oh. You are such a liar.

ššššššššššššššššš (to William)

ššššššššššš She hates surprises.š What are you gonna order?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Huh. I haven't decided.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš From him. What are you gonna order?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Um. I haven't decided yet.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEFF

ššššššššššš Well, don't over-do it.š I don't want

ššššššššššš people saying.š "There goes that

ššššššššššš famous actor with the big, fat

ššššššššššš girlfriend."

 

ššššš He wanders off taking off his t-shirt.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I should leave.

 

ššššš Anna just nods.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš -- this is a fairly strange reality

ššššššššššš to be faced with.š To be honest, I

ššššššššššš don't realize...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'm so sorry... I don't know what to

ššššššššššš say.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I think good-bye is traditional.

 

ššššš INT. RITZ CORRIDOR - NIGHT

 

ššššš William walks away.

 

ššššš EXT. RITZ - NIGHT

 

ššššš William walks down the arcade outside the hotel.š He is

ššššš stunned.

 

ššššš EXT. LONDON BUS - NIGHT

 

ššššš William sits alone on a bus.š We see him through the side

ššššš window.š As it drives away, we see that the whole back of the

ššššš bus is taken up with a huge picture of Anna.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš He gets into his room and sits on the bed.

 

ššššš INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

 

ššššš Space Anna, in the very hi-tech environment and a serious

ššššš moods, fastens the last claps on her uniform.š She takes a

ššššš helmet type thing, and places it on her head.

 

ššššš INT. CONNECT CINEMA - NIGHT

 

ššššš Cut round to the Coronet cinema where this film is showing.

ššššš It's not full.š The camera moves and finds, sitting on his

ššššš own...William.š Just watching.š We see a momentous flash of

ššššš light from the screen explode, reflected in his eye.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

 

ššššš William is looking out the window, lost in thought.š Spike

ššššš enters.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Come on -- open up -- this is me --

ššššššššššš Spikey -- I'm in contact with some

ššššššššššš quite important spiritual vibrators.

ššššššššššš Come on. Hit me with it.

 

ššššš Spike settles on the arm of a chair.š William decides to open

ššššš up a bit...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš There's this girl...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Aha!š See I been getting a female vibe.

ššššššššššš Good.š Speak on, dear friend.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš She's someone who can't be mine and, uh,

ššššššššššš it's as if I've taken love-heroin --

ššššššššššš and now I can't even have it again.

ššššššššššš I've opened Pandora's box.š And

ššššššššššš there's trouble inside.

 

ššššš Spike nods thoughtfully.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Yeh.š Yeh...tricky...tricky...I

ššššššššššš knew a girl at school called Pandora

ššššššššššš ... never got to see her box [or] though.

 

ššššš He roars with laughter.š William smiles.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right. Thanks.š That's -- very helpful.

 

ššššš INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

ššššš Only two tables are being used.š William and his friends are

ššššš on their first course.š Bernie reads an "Evening Standard,"

ššššš with a picture of Anna and left at Heathrow Airport.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš You didn't know she had a boyfriend?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, no - Why? Did you?

 

ššššš Their looks make it obvious that everyone did.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Bloody hell, I can't believe it --

ššššššššššš my whole life ruined because I don't

ššššššššššš read "Hello" magazine.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Let's face facts.š This was always a

ššššššššššš no-waygo situation.š Anna's a goddess

ššššššššššš and you know what happens to morals

ššššššššššš who get involved with the gods.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Buggered, is it?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Every time.š But don't despair -- I

ššššššššššš think I have the solution to your

ššššššššššš problems.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Really?

 

ššššš They all look to him for wise words.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Her name is Tessa and she works in

ššššššššššš the contracts department.š The hair,

ššššššššššš I admit, is unfashionable frizzy --

ššššššššššš but she's as bright as a button and

ššššššššššš kisses like a nymphomaniac on death

ššššššššššš row.š Apparently.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš The kitchen.š William is looking uneasy.š A doorbell rings.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Now -- try.

 

ššššš William nods.š Max heads off to the door.š We stay with William

ššššš -- and just hear the door open and a voice come down the

ššššš corridor.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TESSA (V.O.)

ššššššššššš I got completely lost -- it's real

ššššššššššš difficult, isn't it?š Everything's

ššššššššššš got the word 'Kensington' in it --

ššššššššššš Kensington Park Road, Kensington

ššššššššššš Gardens, Kensington bloody Park

ššššššššššš Gardens...

 

ššššš They reach the kitchen.š Tessa is a lush girl with a huge hair.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Tessa -- this is Bella my wife.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TESSA

ššššššššššš Oh hello, you're in a wheelchair.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš That's right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš And this is William.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TESSA

ššššššššššš Hello William.š Max has told me

ššššššššššš everything about you.

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (frightened)

ššššššššššš Has he?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TESSA

ššššššššššš Oh yes. You are naughty boy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Wine?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TESSA

ššššššššššš Oh yes, please. Come on, Willie, let's

ššššššššššš get sloshed.

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššš ššššš Red or white?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TESSA

ššššššššššš Red.

 

ššššš She turns to take the wine and William has a split second to send

ššššš a message of panic to Bella.š She agrees -- it's bad.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/CONSERVATORY - NIGHT

 

ššššš Max walks over to the table.š Honey, Bella, William and another

ššššš girl.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Keziah -- some woodcock?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KEZIAH

ššššššššššš No, thank youš -- I'm a fruitarian.

 

ššššš It is left to William, who has been set up here, to fill the

ššššš pause.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš And ahm -- what's a fruitarian exactly?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KEZIAH

ššššššššššš We believe that fruits and vegetables

ššššššššššš have feels so we think cooking is

ššššššššššš cruel.š We only eat things that have

ššššššššššš actually fallen from the tree or bush

ššššššššššš -- that are, in fact, dead already.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.š Right.š Interesting stuff.

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš So these carrots...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KEZIAH

ššššššššššš Have been murdered, yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Murdered?š Poor old carrots.š That's beastly.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT

 

ššššš Time for coffee and chocolates.š Beside William sits the final,

ššššš perfect girl.š She is Rosie, quite young, smartly dressed,

ššššš open-hearted.š It is just Max and William and Bella and her.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ROSIE

ššššššššššš Delicious coffee.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš I'm sorry about the lamb.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ROSIE

ššššššššššš No -- I thought it was really, you know,

ššššššššššš interesting.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Interesting means inedible.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ROSIE

ššššššššššš Really inedible -- yes that's right.

 

ššššš They all laugh.š It's going very well.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT

 

ššššš William is with Rosie by the door -- just about to say goodbye.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ROSIE

ššššššššššš Maybe we'll meet again some time.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes.š That'll be ... be great.

 

ššššš She kisses him gently on the cheek.š He opens the door -- she

ššššš walks out.š He shuts the door quietly and heads back into the

ššššš living room...

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš Max and Bella wait excitedly.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Well?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš And?

 

ššššš William makes a gentle, exasperated gesture, then...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I think you have forgotten...

ššššššššššššššššš (he looks at them)

ššššššššššš what an unusual situation you two have.

ššššš ššššš -- to find someone you actually

ššššššššššš love, who'll love you - I mean the chances

ššššššššššš are... always minuscule.š Look at me.

ššššššššššš -- Apart from the American, -- I've

ššššššššššš only loved two girls in my whole life,

ššššššššššš both total disasters.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš That's not fair.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No really, one of them marries me and

ššššššššššš then leaves me quicker than you can

ššššššššššš say Indiana Jones -- and the other,

ššššššššššš who seriously ought to have known

ššššššššššš better, casually marries my best

ššššššššššš friend.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš She still loves you though.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš In a depressingly asexual way.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš I never fancied you much actually...

 

ššššš They all roar with laughter.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš I loved you -- you were terribly

ššššššššššš funny.š But all that kissing my ears...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I don't believe it. This is just getting worse.

ššššššššššš I am going to find myself, 30 years

ššššššššššš from now, still on this couch.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Do you want to stay?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yeah, why not -- all that awaits me at home

ššššššššššš is a masturbating Welshman.

 

ššššš Music starts to play to take us through these silent scenes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Here we go.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš Max lifts Bella off her couch and carries her upstairs.

 

ššššš Mix through -- William sits on the couch downstairs -- eyes wide

ššššš open -- thinking.

 

ššššš INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš Morning.š Max, all in his suit for the city... Bella kisses him

ššššš goodbye.š William sees this from the kitchen.š She is also

ššššš dressed for work -- and moves back into the kitchen to pack her

ššššš briefcase with law books from the kitchen table.

 

ššššš EXT. MAX AND BELLA'S HOUSE - DAY

 

ššššš William emerges from the house, a little ruffled from a night

ššššš away from home, a heads off.

 

ššššš EXT. NEWSAGENT - DAY

 

ššššš William walks past the newsagent, heading for home.š We see,

ššššš though he doesn't, a rack of tabloid papers, all of which seem

ššššš to have very grainy, grabbed pictures of Annie on their front

ššššš page.š Headlines --'Annie Stunned'-- 'It's Definitely Her!'

ššššš and 'Scott of Pantartica.'

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BATHROOM - DAY

 

ššššš William is shaving.š The bell goes.š He heads out to answer it.

 

ššššš EXT./INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE -DAY

 

ššššš William arrives at the door and opens it.š There stands a dark-

ššššš glassed Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Can I come in?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Come in.

 

ššššš She moves inside.š Her hair is a mess -- her eyes are tired.

ššššš Nothing idealized.

 

ššššš INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš The two of them.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš They were taken years ago -- I know

ššššššššššš it was... well, I was poor and it

ššššššššššš happens a lot -- that's not an excuse

ššššššššššš -- but to make matters worse, it now

ššššššššššš appears as though someone was filming me as

ššššššššššš well.š So what was a stupid photo-

ššššššššššš shoot now looks like a porno film.

ššššššššššš And well... the pictures have been

ššššššššššš solid and they're everywhere.

 

ššššš William shakes his head.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I didn't know where to go.š The hotel

ššššššššššš is surrounded. I know it's been months, but --

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš This is the place.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Thank you.š I'm just in London for two

ššššššššššš days -- but, with your papers, it's the

ššššššššššš worse place to be.

 

ššššš She's very shaken.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I mean, these pictures are just so horrible.š

ššššššššššš They're so grainy... they make me

ššššššššššš look like...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Don't think about it.š We'll sort it

ššššššššššš out.š Now what would you like -- tea

ššššššššššš ... bath...?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš A bath would be great.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš Spike enters through the front door.š William doesn't hear him.

ššššš Spike is reading newspapers with the Anna pictures in it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Oh. Christ alive... brilliant... fantastic

ššššššššššš .... magnificent...

 

ššššš He heads up the stairs.š Opens the bathroom door, walks in.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BATHROOM - DAY

 

ššššš Spike heads for the toilet -- undoes his zip...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You must be Spike.

 

ššššš She's in the bath.š Spike turns in shock -- and sidles out of the

ššššš bathroom.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš Spike calms himself down.š He then opens the bathroom door

ššššš again -- and looks in.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BATHROOM - DAY

 

ššššš Anna is still lying low in the bath.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Just checking.

 

ššššš INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš Spike comes back out into the corridor.š Looks to heaven.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Thank you, God.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN - DAY

 

ššššš William and Anna at the kitchen table, eating toast.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'm really sorry about last time.š He

ššššššššššš just flew in -- I had no idea -- in fact,

ššššššššššš I had no idea if he'd ever fly in again.

 

ššššššššššš ššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Nice, listen.š It's not often one

ššššššššššš has the opportunity to adios the plates

ššššššššššš of a major Hollywood film star.š It was - it was thrilling for me.

ššššššššššššššššš (she smiles.š Pause)

ššššššššššš So how is he?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I don't know.š It just got to the point where

ššššš ššššš I couldn't remember any of the reasons

ššššššššššš Why we were together. And you... and love?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, there's a question -- without

ššššššššššš an interesting answer.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I have thought about you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh no no -- no.

 

ššššš He doesn't think she has to talk about this.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš It's just anytime I've tried to keep

ššššššššššš anything normal with person that was normal --

ššššššššššš it's just been a disaster.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Anna, listen, I appreciate that absolutely.

ššššššššššššššššš (changing subject

ššššššššššššššššš štactfully)

ššššššššššš So what is that, a film you're doing?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes -- start in L.A. on Tuesday.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Would you like me to take you through

ššššššššššš your lines?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Would you? 'cause it's all talk, talk, talk.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right. Hand it over.š Basic plot?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'm a difficult but brilliant junior

ššššššššššš officer who in about twenty minutes

ššššššššššš will save the world from nuclear

ššššššššššš disaster.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Mm-hmmm. Okay. Well done, you.

 

ššššš EXT. TERRACE - DAY

 

ššššš A little later.š They're in the thick of the script.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš 'Message from command.š Would you like

ššššššššššš them to send in the HKs?'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš 'No, turn over 4 TRS's and tell them we

ššššššššššš need radar feedback before the KFT's

ššššššššššš return at 19 hundred -- then inform the

ššššššššššš Pentagon that we'll be needing black

ššššššššššš star cover from ten hundred through

ššššššššššš 12.15' -- and don't you dare say one

ššššššššššš word about how many mistakes I made in

ššššššššššš that speech or I'll pelt you with

ššššššššššš olives.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš 'Very well, captain -- I'll pass that

ššššššššššš on straightaway.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš 'Thank you.'š How many mistake did I

ššššššššššš make?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Eleven.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Damn.š 'And Wainwright...'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Cartwright.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš 'Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever

ššššššššššš your name is, I promised little Jimmy

ššššššššššš I'd be home for his birthday -- could

ššššššššššš you get a message through that I may

ššššššššššš be a little late.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš 'Certainly.š And little Johnny?'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš My son's name is Johnny?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yup.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, get a message through to him

ššššššššššš too.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Brilliant.

ššššššššššššššššš (the scene's over)

ššššššššššš Word perfect I'd say.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What do you think?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Gripping.š You know. It's not Jane Austen, it's

ššššššššššš Not Henry James, but it's gripping.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You think I should do Henry James

ššššššššššš instead?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm sure you'd be great in Henry James.

ššššššššššš But, you know -- this writer's pretty

ššššššššššš damn good too.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes -- I mean -- you never get anyone

ššššššššššš in 'Wings of a Dove' having the nerve

ššššššššššš to say 'inform the Pentagon that we

ššššššššššš need black star over.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš For me the book is the poorer for

ššššššššššš it.

 

ššššš Annie smiles her biggest smile of the day.š He is helping.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S DINING ROOM

 

ššššš Anna and William.š Sat down at table.š There's a picture

ššššš hanging on the wall behind.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I can't believe you have that picture.

ššššš

ššššš It is a picture of a Chagall painting of a floating wedding

ššššš couple, with a goat as company.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You like Chagall?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I do.š It feels like how being in love

ššššššššššš should be.š Floating through a dark

ššššššššššš blue sky.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš With a goat playing a violin.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, yes -- happiness isn't happiness

ššššššššššš without a violin-playing goat.

 

ššššš Spike enters with three pizzas.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Voila.š Carnival Calypso, for the

ššššššššššš Queen of Notting Hill -- pepperoni,

ššššššššššš pineapple and a little more

ššššššššššš pepperoni.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Fantastic.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I don't mention that Anna's a

ššššššššššš vegetarian, did I?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš I have some parsnip stew from last week.

ššššššššššš If I just peel the skin off, it'll be

ššššššššššš perfect.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš Later in the evening.š William and Anna on their own.š They're

ššššš sipping coffee.š A few seconds of just co-existing.š Anna looks

ššššš up.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You have big feet.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes.š Always have had.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You know what they say about men with

ššššššššššš big feet?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No.š What's that?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Big feet -- large shoes.

 

ššššš He laughs.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš A few hours later -- eating ice-cream out of the tub.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš The thing that's so irritating is that

ššššššššššš now I'm so totally fierce when it comes

ššššššššššš to nudity clauses.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You actually have clauses in your

ššššššššššš contact about nudity.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Definitely.š 'You may show the dent at

ššššššššššš the top of the artist's buttocks -- but

ššššššššššš neither cheek, or if there's a stunt bottom

ššššššššššš being used artist must have full consultation.'

ššššššššššš

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You have a stunt bottom?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I could have a stunt bottom, yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Are you people tempted to go for a

ššššššššššš slightly better bottoms than their own?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yeah. I mean. I would. This is important stuff.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš It's one hell of a job, isn't?š What do you put

ššššššššššš on your passport?š Profession -- Mel

ššššššššššš Gibson's bottom.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Actually, Mel does his own ass work.

ššššššššššš Why wouldn't he?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Absolutely.

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Delicious.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš What? The ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Both. Equally.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš But you wouldn't. Necessarily lick both.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well. This is tart. And fuzz-free.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - NIGHT

 

ššššš They are walking up the stairs -- and stop at the top.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš And, uh -- bedroom. There's clean sheets.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Today's been a good day, which in

ššššššššššš the circumstances is... unexpected.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, thank you.

ššššššššššššššššš (awkward pause)

ššššššššššš Anytime, um -- time for bed.š Or...

ššššššššššš sofa-bed.

 

 

 

ššššš Pause.š She leans forward, kisses him gently, then steps into

ššššš the bedroom and closes the door.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Good night.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Good night.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš William downstairs -- on a sofa -- under a duvet.š Eyes open.

ššššš Thinking.š Pause and pause.

 

ššššš He waits and waits -- the ultimate 'yearn.'š But nothing

ššššš happens.š William gets off the sofa decisively.š Sits on the

ššššš side of it.š Then gets back in again.

 

ššššš Pause, pause, then... in the darkness, a stair creaks.š There's

ššššš someone there.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (to himself)

ššššššššššš Oh my God...

ššššššššššššššššš (then...)

ššššššššššš Hello.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Hello.š I wonder if I could have a

ššššššššššš little word.

 

ššššš He drifts round the corner, half-naked.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Spike. Right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš I don't want to interfere, or anything

ššššššššššš ... but she's split up from her boy-

ššššššššššš friend, that's right isn't it?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Maybe.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš And she's in your house.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš And you get on very well.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Well, isn't this perhaps a nice

ššššššššššš opportunity to... slip her one?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Spike.š For God's sake -- she's in

ššššššššššš trouble -- get a grip.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš I think it's the wrong moment.š

ššššššššššš Fair enough.

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš Do you mind if I have a go?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Spike!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Okay.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'll talk you in the morning.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Okay.š Might be too late, but

ššššššššššš okay.

 

ššššš Back to William thinking again.š Dreamy atmosphere.š And then...

ššššš more footsteps on the stairs.

 

ššššššššššššššššš ššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh please sod off.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Okay. All right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No! No. No. Wait.š I... thought you were

ššššššššššš someone else.š I thought you were Spike.

ššššššššššš I'm thrilled that you're not.

 

ššššš The darkness of the living room.š We see Anna in the shadow.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš A few moments later.š William and Anna stand in the middle of

ššššš the room.š He kisses her neck.š Then her shoulder.š What a

ššššš miracle it is just to be able to touch this girl's skin.š Then

ššššš he looks at her face.š That face.š He is suddenly struck by who

ššššš it is.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Wow.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Nothing.

 

ššššš And kisses her.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

ššššš The middle of the night.š They are both sleep -- a yard apart.

ššššš In sleep, her arm reaches out, touches his shoulder and then

ššššš she wriggles across and re-settles herself, tenderly, right

ššššš next to him.š He is not asleep and knows how extraordinary this

ššššš all is.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - DAY

 

ššššš The morning.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš It still strikes me as, well, surreal,

ššššššššššš that I'm allowed to see you naked.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You and every person in this country.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh God yes -- I'm sorry.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What is it about men and nudity?š

ššššššššššš Particularly breasts -- how can you be so

ššššššššššš interested in them?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš But, seriously.š I mean, they're just

ššššššššššš breasts.š Every second person in the

ššššššššššš world has them...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš More than that actually, when you think

ššššššššššš about it.š You know, Meatloaf has a very

ššššššššššš nice pair...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš But... they're odd-looking.š They're

ššššššššššš for milk.š Your mum's got them.š You

ššššššššššš must have seen a thousand of them --

ššššššššššš what's the fuss about?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš Actually, I can't think what it is really -- let

ššššššššššš me just have a quick look...

 

ššššš He looks under the sheet at her breasts.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Nope, nope, beats me.

 

ššššš She laughs...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Rita Hayworth used to say -- 'they go to

ššššššššššš bed with Gilda -- they wake up with me.'

ššššššššššš Do you feel that?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Who was Gilda?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Her most famous part -- men went to bed

ššššššššššš with the dream -- and they didn't like

ššššššššššš it when they woke up with the reality --

ššššššššššš do you feel that way with me?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš You're lovelier this morning than you

ššššššššššš have ever been.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššššššššš (very touched)

ššššššššššš Oh.

 

ššššš She looks at him carefully.š Then leaps out of bed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'll be right back.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - MORNING

 

ššššš William on the bed.š The door opens.š It is Anna with a tray of

ššššš toast and tea.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Breakfast in bed.š It's brunch, or a lunch or something.

 

ššššš She bends across.š She smiles and sits on the bed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh my God.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Can I stay a bit longer?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Stay forever.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Okay. Oh. I forgot the jam.

 

ššššš The doorbell goes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'll get the jam, you get the door,

 

ššššš INT./EXT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš William heads down the corridor and opens the door.š Outside

ššššš are hundreds of paparazzi -- an explosion of cameras and

ššššš questions, of noise and light.š The press seem to fill the

ššššš entire street.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Jesus Christ.

 

ššššš He comes back inside, snapping the door behind him.š Anna is in

ššššš the kitchen.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš What? What is it?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Nothing, really.

 

ššššš She heads back the corridor, with no suspicion.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You're up to something...

 

ššššš ššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Anna, no, please!

 

ššššš She thinks he's fooling around.š She opens the door, the same

ššššš explosion.š In a split second she's inside.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš My God.š And they got a picture of you

ššššššššššš dressed like that?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes. Undressed like this, yes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Jesus.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN - DAY

 

ššššš Anna is on the phone.š Spike is blithely heading downstairs to

ššššš the kitchen in just his underpants.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Morning, daring ones.

 

ššššš He does a thumb up to William -- very excited about what he knows

ššššš was a 'result.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššššššššš (on the phone)

ššššššššššš It's Anna.š The press are here.š No,

ššššššššššš there are hundreds of them.š My

ššššššššššš brilliant plan was not so brilliant

ššššššššššš at all.š Yeh, I know, I know.š Just get

ššššššššššš me out over here then.

ššššššššššššššššš (she hangs up)

ššššššššššš Damn it.

 

ššššš She heads upstairs.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I wouldn't go outside.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Why not?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Just take my word for it.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Oh.

 

ššššš The moment William goes upstairs, Spike heads for the front

ššššš door.

 

ššššš EXT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - DAY

 

ššššš From outside -- we see this scrawny bloke in the frame of the

ššššš doorway, in his gay underpants.š A thousand photos.š Spike

ššššš poses athletically.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš Spike closes the door and wanders along to a mirror in the hall-

ššššš way, muttering.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš How did I look?

 

ššššš Inspects himself.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Not bad.š No at all bad.š Well-chosen

ššššššššššš briefs, I'd say.š Chicks love gray.

ššššššššššš Mmmmm.š Nice firm buttocks.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - DAY

 

ššššš William enters.š He's unhappy for her.š She's almost dressed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš How are you doing?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš How do you think I'm doing?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I don't know what happened.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I do.š Your furry friend thought he'd

ššššššššššš make a buck or two telling the papers

ššššššššššš where I was.

 

ššššš She's packing.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš That's not true.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Really?š The entire British press just

ššššššššššš woke up this morning and thought 'Hey --

ššššššššššš I know where Anna Scott is.š She's in

ššššššššššš that house with the blue door in Notting

ššššššššššš Hill.'š And then you go out in your goddamn

ššššššššššš underwear.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššššššššš (dropping in)

ššššššššššš I went out in my goddamn underwear too.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Get out, Spike.

ššššššššššššššššš (he does)

ššššššššššš Sorry. I'm so sorry.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš This is such an unbelievable mess.š I come to you to

ššššššššššš protect myself against more crappy

ššššššššššš gossip and now I'm landed in it all

ššššššššššš over again.š For God's sake, I've got

ššššššššššš a boyfriend.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You have?

 

ššššš It's a difficult moment -- defining where they stand.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš As far as they're concerned I do. Yes. And

ššššššššššš now and tomorrow there'll be pictures of

ššššššššššš you in every newspapers from here to

ššššššššššš Timbuktu.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I know, I know -- but... just -- let's

ššššššššššš stay calm...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You can stay calm -- it's the perfect

ššššššššššš situation for you -- minimum input,

ššššššššššš maximum publicity.š Everyone, you ever

ššššššššššš bump into will know.š 'Well done you --

ššššššššššš you slept with that actress -- we've

ššššššššššš seen the pictures.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš That's spectacularly unfair.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš That's yours. Maybe it'll even help business.

ššššššššššš Buy a boring book about Egypt from the

ššššššššššš guy who screwed Anna Scott.

 

ššššš She heads out.

 

ššššš INT. STAIRS/LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Now stop.š Stop.š I beg you -- calm down.

ššššššššššš Have a cup of tea.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I don't want a goddamn cup of tea.š I

ššššššššššš Just want to go home.

 

ššššš The doorbell goes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Spike, see who that is... and for

ššššššššššš God's sake put some clothes on.

 

ššššš Spike leans merrily out of the window.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Looks like a chauffeur to me.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN/CORRIDOR - DAY

 

 

ššššš They move from the kitchen into the corridor.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš And remember -- Spike owes you an

ššššššššššš expensive dinner.š Or holiday --

ššššššššššš depending if he's got the brains to get

ššššššššššš the going rate on betrayal.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš That's not true.š And wait a minute...

ššššššššššš this is crazy behavior.š Can't we just

ššššššššššš laugh about this?š Seriously -- in the

ššššššššššš huge sweep of things, this stuff

ššššššššššš doesn't matter.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš What he's going to say next is -- there

ššššššššššš are people starving in the Sudan.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, there are.š And we don't need to

ššššššššššš go anywhere near that far.š My best

ššššššššššš friend slipped -- she slipped down-

ššššššššššš stairs, cracked her back and she's in a

ššššššššššš wheelchair for the rest of her life.š

ššššššššššš All I'm asking for is a normal amount

ššššššššššš of perspective.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You're right: of course, you're right.

ššššššššššš It's just that I've dealt with this

ššššššššššš garbage for ten years now -- you've had

ššššššššššš it for ten minutes.š Our perspective are

ššššššššššš very different.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I mean -- today's newspapers will be

ššššššššššš lining tomorrow's waste paper bins.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Excuse me?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, you know -- it's just one day.

ššššššššššš Tomorrow. Today's papers will all have been

ššššššššššš thrown out.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You really don't get it.š This story

ššššššššššš Will be filed.š Every time anyone writes

ššššššššššš anything about me -- they'll dig up

ššššššššššš these photos.š Newspapers last forever.

ššššššššššš I'll regret this forever.

 

ššššš He takes this in.š That's the end.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.š Right.š I will feel the opposite,

ššššššššššš if that's OK by you - and, um, always be

ššššššššššš glad that you come to stay.š But you're right -- you

ššššššššššš probably better go.

 

ššššš She looks at him. šThe doorbell goes again.š She opens the door.

ššššš Massive noise and photos.š Outside are her people, including

ššššš Karen, a chauffeur, two bodyguards.š And then the door is shut

ššššš and they're all gone.š Silence.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN/CORRIDOR - DAY

 

ššššš Spike and William sitting there.š Pause.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Was it you?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš I suppose I may have told a few people down the pub.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right.

 

ššššš He puts his head in his hands.š It's over now.

 

ššššš EXT. LONDON - DAY

 

Song:

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

It's not warm when she's away

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

And she's always gone too long

Anytime she goes away

 

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

It's not warm when she's away

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

And she's always gone too long

Anytime she goes away

 

Wonder this time when she's gone

Wonder if she's gone to stay

 

 

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

And this house just ain't no a home

Anytime she goes away

 

ššššš As full, sad music plays -- William begins to walk through

ššššš Notting Hill.

 

ššššš This walk takes six months... as he walks, the seasons actually

ššššš and magically change, from summer, through autumn and winter,

ššššš back into spring...

 

ššššš First it is summer -- summer fruits and flowers -- a six-month

ššššš pregnant woman -- Honey with another leather-jacket boyfriend.

 

ššššš As he walks on the rain starts to fall -- he turns up his coat

ššššš collar -- umbrellas appear.š Followed by winter coats --

ššššš chestnuts roasting -- Christmas trees on side and the first hint

ššššš of snow.

 

ššššš Then he comes to Blenheim Crescent, which is startling snowscape,

ššššš for the hundred yard, right across Ladbroke Grove.

 

ššššš By the time he reaches the purple cafe, the snow is melting and

ššššš in a few yards, it is spring again.š He passes Honey again --

ššššš arguing with her boyfriend, walking away tearful.š Then turns

ššššš past 'the pregnant woman' -- now holding her three-month baby.

ššššš The camera holds on her.

 

ššššš INT. BOOKSHOP - DAY

 

ššššš A grey day in the bookshop.š Martin and William.š As ever.š A

ššššš feeling that things in there ever change.

 

ššššš Ten seconds pass.š Honey rushes in.š Spike, still feeling in

ššššš disgrace, comes with her but lingers in the doorway.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Have I got something for you.š

ššššššššššš Something which will make you love me so

ššššššššššš much you'll want to hug me every single

ššššššššššš day for the rest of my life.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Blimey.š What's that?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš The phone number of Anna Scott's agent

ššššššššššš in London and her agent in New York.š

ššššššššššš You can ring her.š Listen, you think about her

ššššššššššš all the time -- now you can ring her!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks.

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš I'll see you tonight.

ššššššššššš Hey, Marty. Ooh. -- sexy cardi.

 

ššššš And she rushes out.š William looks at the piece of paper, folds

ššššš it and then places it gently in the garbage bin.

 

ššššš INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

ššššš Bella bangs a spoon on a wine bottle.š All the friends are

ššššš gathered in the restaurant.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš I have a little speech to make -- I won't

ššššššššššš stand up because I can't... be bothered.

ššššššššššš Exactly a year ago today, this man here

ššššššššššš started the finest restaurant in London.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TONY

ššššš ššššš Thank you very much.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Unfortunately -- no one ever came to eat

ššššššššššš here.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TONY

ššššššššššš It's a tiny hiccup.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš And so we have to face the fact that from next

ššššššššššš week, we must find somewhere new to eat.

ššššššššššš

ššššš Tony's brave face breaks.š The dream is over.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš I just want to say to Tony -- don't take

ššššššššššš it personally.š The more I think about

ššššššššššš things, the more I see no rhyme or reason

ššššššššššš in life -- no one knows why some things

ššššššššššš work out, and some things don't -- why

ššššššššššš some of us get lucky -- and some of us...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš ... get fired.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš No!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Yes, well, it's seems they're shifting the whole outfit

ššššššššššš much more towards the emerging markets --

ššššššššššš and of course...well,

ššššššššššššššššš (he owns up)

ššššššššššš I was total crap.

 

ššššš They're all rather stunned.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TONY

ššššššššššš So we go down together!š A toast to

ššššššššššš Bernie -- the worst stockbroker in the

ššššššššššš whole world!

 

ššššš They toast him.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Since it's an evening of announcements

ššššššššššš ... I've also got one, Ahm... I've got

ššššššššššš engaged.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš I think you, and Tony restauranteur.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš All

Tony and Bernie: both crap:

The terrible two:

In their own special ways.

 

ššššš Total bewilderment from the others.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

Since it's an evening of announcements. Um, I've also got one. I've decided to get engaged. I found myself a nice, slightly odd

ššššššššššš looking bloke who I know is gonna

ššššššššššš make me happy for the rest of my life.

 

ššššš Special cut to Bernie -- the shot shows he had special feelings

ššššš for Honey.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Wait a sec. I mean -- I'm your brother and I

don't know anything about this. Is he - I don't know is he financially viable?š

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš He's an artist : with brilliant prospects.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TONY

This is a secret you've been keeping from me.

š

ššššššššššššššššššššššš Bella

ššššššššššš No. I swear.

 

ššššš As she sits down, Honey leans toward Spike and whispers.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš By the way -- it's you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Me?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš What do you think?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Well, yeah.š Groovy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Excuse me. Any more announcements?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Well, actually. Yes. I feel I should apologize to

ššššššššššš everyone for my behavior for the last

ššššššššššš six months.š I have, as you know, been

ššššššššššš somewhat down in the mouth.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš There's an understatement.š There are

ššššššššššš dead people on better form.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš But I wish to make it clear I've turned

ššššššššššš a corner and henceforward intend to be

ššššššššššš impressively happy.

 

ššššš INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

ššššš Two hours later.š They've had a very good time.š There's been a

ššššš chocolate cake.š Lots of alcohol.š Tony is playing 'Blue Moon'

ššššš on the piano, and Bernie joins him, singing.

 

ššššš At one table Bella and Honey sit -- beer and wine on the table.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Oh, God. I'm horribly drunk.

 

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Come here.

 

ššššš Elsewhere, Max an William are relaxed together.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš So -- you've laid the ghost.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I believe I have.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Don't give a damn about the famous girl.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, don't think I do.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Which means you won't be distracted by

ššššššššššš the fact that she's back in London,

ššššššššššš grasping her Oscar, and to be found

ššššššššššš filming most days on Hampstead Heath.

 

 

ššššš He puts down a copy of the 'Evening Standard' with a picture of

ššššš Anna on its cover.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššššššššš (immediate gloom)

ššššššššššš Oh God no.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš So not over her, in fact.

 

ššššš EXT. HAMPSTEAD HEATH - DAY

 

ššššš Cut to the wide sweep of Hampstead Heath.š William entirely

ššššš alone.š He marches up a hill... goes over the crest of it -- and

ššššš sees a huge film crew and hundreds of extras in front of the

ššššš radiant white of Kenwood House, with its lawn and its lake.

 

ššššš EXT. KENWOOD HOUSE - DAY

 

ššššš Now closer to the house, William approaches a barrier -- where

ššššš he is himself approached.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SECURITY

ššššššššššš Can I help you?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes - I'm looking for Anna Scott...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SECURITY

ššššššššššš Does she know you're coming?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No, no.š She doesn't.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SECURITY

ššššššššššš I'm afraid I can't really let you

ššššššššššš through then, sir.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh right.š I mean, I am actually a friend -- I'm

ššššššššššš not a lunatic but -- no, you basically...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SECURITY

ššššššššššš ... can't let you through.

 

ššššš At that moment -- thirty yards away, William sees trailer door

ššššš open.š Out of it comes Anna -- looking extraordinary -- in a

ššššš velvet dress; full, beautiful make-up; rich, extravagant hair.

ššššš She has a necessary cluster of people about her.š Hair, make-up,

ššššš costume and the third assistant who has collected her.

 

ššššš She walks a few yards, and then casually turns her head.š And

ššššš sees him.š Her face registers not jut surprise, certainly not a

ššššš simple smile.š His being there is a complicated thing.

ššššš Cut back to him.š He does a small wave.š She pauses as the whole

ššššš paraphernalia of the upcoming scene passes between them.š The

ššššš movie divides them.š But then she begins to walk through it, and

ššššš followed by her cluster, she makes her way towards him.š When

ššššš she reaches him, the security guard stands back a pace, and her

ššššš people hold back.š She doesn't really know what to say...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš This is certainly... ah...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I only found out you were here

ššššššššššš yesterday.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I was going to call... but... I ... didn't

ššššššššššš think you'd want to...

 

ššššš The third assistant is under pressure.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THIRD

ššššššššššš Anna.

 

ššššš She looks around.š The poor third is nervous -- and the first is

ššššš approaching.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššššššššš (to William)

ššššššššššš Things are not going very well -- and it's

ššššššššššš our last day.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Absolutely -- you're clearly very busy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš But if... if you could wait... there are things to say.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Okay.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Drink tea -- there's lots of tea.

 

ššššš She is swept away, four people touching her hair and costume.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Come and have a look...

 

ššššš EXT. KENWOOD PARK - DAY

 

ššššš As they make towards the set...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Are you a fan of Henry James?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš This is Henry James film?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš Yeah.

 

ššššš EXT. KENWOOD HOUSE - DAY

 

ššššš A complicated shot is about to happen -- with waves of extras --

ššššš and a huge moving crane.š They end up next to the sound desk.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš KAREN

ššššššššššš This is Harry -- he'll give you a pair of

ššššššššššš headphones so you can hear the dialogue.

 

ššššš Harry the sound man is a pleasant, fifty-year-old balding

ššššš fellow.š He hands him the headphones.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HARRY

ššššššššššš Here we go.š The volume's on

ššššššššššš the side there. Have a seat.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Thank you.

 

ššššš William, the headphones on, surveys the scene -- the cluster is

ššššš full 100 yards from the action, to allow a gracious sweeping

ššššš wide-shot.š He watches Anna.š She is with her co-star in the

ššššš Henry James film -- let's call him James.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JAMES

ššššššššššš We are living in cloudcuckooland --

ššššššššššš we'll never get this done today.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš We have to.š I've got to be in New York

ššššššššššš on Thursday.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JAMES

ššššššššššš Oh, stop showing off.

 

ššššš He studies an actress a few yards to the left.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JAMES

ššššššššššš God, that's an enormous ass.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I'm not listening.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JAMES

ššššššššššš No, but seriously -- it's not fair -- so

ššššššššššš many tragic young teenagers with

ššššššššššš anorexia -- and that girl has an ass

ššššššššššš she could perfectly well share round

ššššššššššš with at least ten other women -- and

ššššššššššš still be big-bottomed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I said I'm not listening -- and I would think,

ššššššššššš looking at something nice like that, you and

ššššššššššš your boony little excuse for an 'arse'

ššššššššššš would be well-advised to keep quiet.

 

ššššš Back by the desk, William is listening and laughs.š That's his

ššššš girl.š Anna prepares.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Now down to business. The end of the scene. Um, I ask you when you're telling everyone, and you say...?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JAMES

ššššš ššššš 'Tomorrow will be soon enough.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš And then I... right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JAMES

ššššššššššš Say, who was that rather difficult chap you

ššššššššššš were talking to round the back?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No one... Just some...

ššššššššššš guy from the past.š I -- It's a bit of awkward

ššššššššššš situation, really. I don't know what

ššššššššššš he's doing here.š But of an

 

ššššš EXT. HAMPSTEAD HEATH - DAY

 

ššššš Cut back to William -- he has heard.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Of course.

 

ššššš He takes off the headphones and puts them gently down.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Thanks. I've got to, um ...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HARRY

ššššššššššš Anytime.

 

ššššš William walks away.š The moment of hope is gone.š He couldn't

ššššš have had a clear reminder.

 

ššššš INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

 

ššššš William is emptying Anna Scott videos into a box.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš What's going on?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I'm going to throw out these old videos.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš No.š You can't bin these.š They're

ššššššššššš classics.š I'm not allowing this.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right -- let's talk about rent...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Let me help.š We don't want all this

ššššššššššš shit cluttering up our lives.

 

ššššššššššš INT. BACKROOM OF THE BOOKSHOP - DAY

 

ššššš The next day.š William is hard at work, doing the accounts in a

ššššš dark small room with files in it.š Martin pops his head in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš I do hate to disturb you whilst you're

ššššššššššš cooking the books, but there's a

ššššššššššš delivery.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Martin, really, can't you just do it yourself?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš But it's not for the shop.š It's for you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right. Okay.š Tell me, if I employ a wet

ššššššššššš rag would I have to pay it as much as I pay you?

 

ššššš They head out, Martin behind him, incomprehensively rubbing

ššššš his hands -- he's in a very good mood.

 

ššššš INT. BOOKSHOP - DAY

 

ššššš William enters -- and there stands Anna -- in a simple blue

ššššš skirt and top.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Hi.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Hello.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You disappeared.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes -- I'm sorry -- I had to leave... I

ššššššššššš didn't want to disturb you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well... how have you been?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Fine.š Everything much the same, you know.š When

ššššššššššš they change the law Spike and I will

ššššššššššš marry immediately.š Whereas you...

ššššššššššš I've watched in wonder.š Awards, glory

ššššššššššš ...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Oh no.š It's all nonsense, believe me.

ššššššššššš I had no idea how much nonsense it all

ššššššššššš was -- but nonsense it all is...

ššššššššššššššššš (she's nervous)

ššššššššššš Well, yesterday was our last day

ššššššššššš filming and so I'm leavingš -- but... um, I

ššššššššššš brought this for you from home, so...

 

ššššš It's quite a big wrapped parcel, flat -- 3 foot by 4 foot, ššššš

ššššš leaning against a bookshelf.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I thought I'd give it to you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Thank you.š Shall I...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Oh, no, don't open it yet -- I'll be

ššššššššššš embarrassed.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Okay -- well, thank you.š I don't know

ššššššššššš what it's for.š But thank you anyway.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Actually I had it in my apartment in New

ššššššššššš York and I thought you'd... but,

ššššššššššš when it came to it, I didn't know how to

ššššššššššš call you... having behaved so... badly,

ššššššššššš twice.š So it's just been just sitting in the

ššššššššššš hotel.š But then... you came, and I

ššššššššššš figured... the thing is... the thing is

ššššššššššš ...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš What? What's the thing?

 

ššššš Then the door pings.š In walks the annoying customer, Mr. Smith.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Don't even think about it.š Go away

ššššššššššš immediately. Go away

 

ššššš Mr. Smith is taken aback and therefore completely obedient.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MR. SMITH

ššššššššššš Right.š Sorry.

 

ššššš And he leaves.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš You were saying...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes.š The thing is... I have to go away

ššššššššššš today but I wondered, if I didn't,

ššššššššššš whether you might let me see you a little ...

ššššššššššš or, a lot maybe... see if you could...

ššššššššššš like me again.

 

ššššš Pause as William takes this in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš But yesterday... that actor asked you

ššššššššššš who I was... and you just dismissed me

ššššššššššš out of hand... I heard -- you had a

ššššššššššš microphone... I had headphones.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš You expect me to tell the truth about my

ššššššššššš life to the most indiscreet man in

ššššššššššš England?

 

ššššš Martin edges up.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Excuse me -- it's your mother on the

ššššššššššš phone.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Will you tell her I'll ring her back.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš I actually tried that tack -- but she

ššššššššššš said you said that before and it's been

ššššššššššš twenty-four hours, and her foot that

ššššššššššš was purple is now a sort of blackish

ššššššššššš color...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Right, right, yeah. Okay -- perfect timing as ever - Martin, hold

ššššššššššš the fort for a second?

 

ššššš Martin is left with Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Coud I just say, I thought 'Ghost' was a

ššššššššššš wonderful film.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Is that right?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Yes... I've always wondered what

ššššššššššš Patrick Swayze is like in real life.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I can't say I know Patrick all that

ššššššššššš well.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Oh dear.š He wasn't friendly during the

ššššššššššš filming?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, no -- I'm sure he was friendly --

ššššššššššš to Demi Moore -- who acted with him in

ššššššššššš 'Ghost.'

 

ššššš She's kind in here, not sarcastic.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Oh right.š Right.š Sorry.š Always been

ššššššššššš a bit of an ass.

 

ššššš William returns a little uneasy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MARTIN

ššššššššššš Anyway... it's lovely to meet you.š I'm

ššššššššššš a huge, huge fan of yours.š And Demi's, of

ššššššššššš course.

 

 

ššššš Martin leaves them.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Sorry about that.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš That's fine.š There's always a pause

ššššššššššš when the jury goes out to consider its

ššššššššššš verdict.

 

ššššš She's awaiting an answer.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Anna.š Look -- I'm a fairly level-

ššššššššššš headed bloke.š Not often in and out of

ššššššššššš love.š But...

 

ššššš He can't really express what he feels.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš ... can I just say 'no' to your kind

ššššššššššš request and leave it at that?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš ... Yes, that's fine.š Of course.š I...

ššššššššššš of course... I'll just...

ššššššššššš be going, then ... it's nice to see

ššššššššššš you.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš The thing is...

 

ššššš He feels he must explain.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš ... with you, I'm in real danger.š It seems

ššššššššššš like a... perfect situation, apart

ššššššššššš from that foul temper of yours -- but my

ššššššššššš relatively inexperienced heart would,

ššššššššššš I fear, not recover if I was once again

ššššššššššš ... cast aside, which I would

ššššššššššš absolutely expect to be.š There are too

ššššššššššš many pictures of you everywhere, too

ššššššššššš many films.š You'd go and I'd be...

ššššššššššš well, buggered, basically.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I see.

ššššššššššššššššš (pause)

ššššššššššš That reality is a real 'no,' isn't it?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I live in Notting Hill.š You live in

ššššššššššš Beverly Hills.š Everyone in the world

ššššššššššš knows who you are.š My mother has

ššššššššššš trouble remembering my name.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Fine.š Fine.š Good decision. Good decision.šššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššš

 

ššššš Pause.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš The fame thing isn't really real, you

ššššššššššš know.š

Don't forget -- I'm also just a

ššššššššššš girl.š Standing in front of a boy.š

ššššššššššš Asking him to love her.

 

ššššš Pause.š She kisses him on the cheek.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Good-bye.

 

ššššš Then turns and leaves.š Leaving him.

 

ššššš INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - DAY

 

ššššš The restaurant is in the middle of being deconstructed.š The

ššššš pictures are gone off the walls -- a kettle on a long extension

ššššš lead is on the bare table behind.š They're all sitting there.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš What do you think?š Good move?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš Yeah. Good move: when all's said and done,

ššššššššššš she's nothing special.š I saw her

ššššššššššš taking her trousers down and I definitely

ššššššššššš glimpsed some cellulite down there.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Good decision. Yeah. All actresses are mad

ššššššššššš as snakes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Tony -- what do you think?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš TONY

ššššššššššš Never met her, never want to.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Brilliant.š Max?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Absolutely.š Never trust a vegetarian.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Great.š Thanks. Brilliant.

 

ššššš Spike enters.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš I was called and I came.š What's up?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš William has just turned down Anna Scott.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš You daft prick!

 

ššššš Bella is casually looking at the painting that sits beside

ššššš William.š It is the original of the Chagall, the poster of which

ššššš was on his wall.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONY

ššššššššššš No, no, no, no. It's actually quite sensible.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš That painting isn't the original, is

ššššššššššš it?

 

ššššššššššššššššš ššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes, you know, I think it might be, uh.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš But she said she wanted to go out with

ššššššššššš you?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes -- sort of...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš That's nice.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš What?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Well, you know, anyone saying they

ššššššššššš want to go out with you is... pretty

ššššššššššš great... isn't it...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš It was sort of sweet actually -- I mean,

ššššššššššš I know she's an actress and all that, so

ššššššššššš she can deliver a line -- but she said

ššššššššššš she might be as famous as can be --

ššššššššššš but also... that she was just a girl,

ššššššššššš standing in front of a boy, asking him

ššššššššššš to love her.

 

ššššš They take in the line.š It totally reverses their attitudes.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Oh sod a dog.š I've made the wrong

ššššššššššš decision, haven't I?

 

ššššš They look at him.š Spike does a big nod.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Max, how fast is your car?

 

ššššš EXT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - DAY

 

ššššš Max's car arrives in the street outside.š They pile into the

ššššš car.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš If anyone gets in our way -- we have

ššššššššššš small nuclear devices. Where to?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš All I can think is Ritz!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš And we intend to use them!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Where's Bella?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš She's not coming.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Sod that.š Bernie -- in the back!

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš What?

 

ššššš He shoots out of his door, rushes round and grabs Bella out of

ššššš the chair.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Come on, babe.

 

ššššš EXT./INT. CAR. STANLEY CRESCENT/NOTTING HILL GATE - DAY

 

 

ššššš Max's car is shooting up Stanley Crescent.š We are inside and

ššššš outside the car.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Which are you going?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Down Kensington Church Street, then

ššššššššššš Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Center.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš No crazy.š Go along Bayswater...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš That's right -- then Park Lane.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Or you could go right down to Cromwell

ššššššššššš Road, and left.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš No!

 

ššššš Suddenly the car slams to a halt.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Stop right there!š I will decide the

ššššššššššš route.š All right?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ALL

ššššššššššš All right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš James Bond never has to put up with this

ššššššššššš sort of shit.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Turn right. Turn right.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš I can't. It's one way.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Do a U-turn

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Oh, sod it.š

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ALL

ššššššššššš Brilliant.š

 

 

ššššš EXT. PICCADILLY - DAY

 

ššššš The car turns illegally right across Piccadilly the wrong way

ššššš down a one-way street and ends up outside the Ritz.š William

ššššš sprints into the hotel.š Bernie follows.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš Bloody hell, this is fun.

 

ššššš IT. RITZ LOBBY - DAY

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Is Miss Scott staying here?

 

ššššš It is the same man.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN

ššššššššššš No, sir.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš How about Miss Flintstone?

 

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN

ššššššš ššš No, sir.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Or Bambi... or, I don't know, Beavis or

ššššš ššššš Butthead?

 

ššššš Man shakes his head.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN

ššššššššššš No, sir.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Thanks. Thanks.

 

ššššš He turns despondent and takes two steps when the Ritz Man stops

ššššš him in his tracks.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš RITZ MAN

ššššššššššš There was a Miss Pocahontas in room 126

ššššššššššš -- but she checked out an hour ago.š I

ššššššššššš believe she's holding a press

ššššššššššš conference at The Savoy before flying to

ššššššššššš America.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BERNIE

ššššššššššš We have lift off!!

 

ššššš A Japanese guest assumes this is the way to behave and the Ritz

ššššš Man gets kissed a third time.

 

ššššš EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY

 

ššššš The car speeds through London.š It gets totally stuck at a

ššššš junction where no one will let them in.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stay there. Go! Go! Come on. Wait there! Come on. Come on. Wait. Go! Go on! Through! Through!

 

ššššš He gets out of the car and boldly stops the traffic coming in the

ššššš opposite direction.š Our car shoots past him.

 

 

ššššš They leave him behind.š Honey leans out the window and shouts...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš You're my hero.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš Down boy.

 

ššššš Spike waves wildly -- he loses concentration and is very nearly

ššššš hit by a car.

 

ššššš EXT. THE SAVOY - DAY

 

ššššš They pull to a stop.š William leaps out.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAX

ššššššššššš Go!

 

ššššš INT. THE SAVOY - DAY

 

ššššš William rushes up to the main desk.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Excuse me, where's the press

ššššššššššš Conference, please?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAN AT SAVOY

ššššššššššš Are you an accredited member of the

ššššššššššš press?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes...

 

ššššš He flashes a card.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAN AT SAVOY

ššššššššššš That's a Blockbuster video membership

ššššššššššš card, sir.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš That's right... I work for their in-

ššššššššššš house magazine.

ššššššššššššššššš (mimes quotation marks)

ššššššššššš 'Movies are our business.'

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAN AT SAVOY

ššššššššššš I'm sorry, sir...

 

ššššš Honey shows into shot, pushing Bella's chair.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš He's with me.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAN AT SAVOY

ššššššššššš And you are?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš BELLA

ššššššššššš Writing an article about how London

ššššššššššš hotels treat people in wheelchairs.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš MAN AT SAVOY

ššššššššššš Of course, madam.š It's in the

ššššššššššš Lancaster Room.š I'm afraid you're very

ššššššššššš late.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššššššššš (to William)

ššššššššššš Run!

 

ššššš INT. SAVOR ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš William runs, searching.š At last finds the room, and enters.

 

ššššš INT. LANCASTER ROOM - DAY

 

ššššš Huge room -- full of press.š Row after row of journalists,

ššššš cameras at the front, TV cameras at the back.š Anna clearly

ššššš gives press conferences very rarely, because this one is

ššššš positively presidential.š She sits at a table at the end of theš

ššššš room, beside Karen: on her other side os Jeremy, the PR boss,

ššššš firmly marshalling the questions.

 

Does this mean that Ms. Scot will not be publicizing her next film?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

No, it absolutely does not that. She'll be abiding by all her present commitments. She's just won't be making any more for the next year.š

 

When will the film be released?

 

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

At the moment, the plan is to release is in America towards to the end of the autumn, and over here around Christmas or early in the New Year.š

 

Right!š -- Dominic.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš QUESTIONER 1

ššššššššššš How much longer are you staying in the

ššššššššššš UK then?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No time at all.š I leave tonight.

 

ššššš She's in a slightly melancholic and therefore honest mood.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Which is why we have to round things it up now.

ššššššššššš So final questions, please. Yes. Lady there!

 

ššššš He points at a journalist he knows.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš QUESTIONERš 2

ššššššššššš Is your decision to take a year off

ššššššššššš anything to do with the rumours about

ššššššššššš Jeff and his present leading lady?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Absolutely not.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš QUESTIONER 2

ššššššššššš Do you believe the rumours?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Well, it's really not my business any more.

ššššššššššš Though I will say, from my experience,

ššššššššššš that rumours about Jeff... do tend to

ššššššššššš be true.

 

ššššš They love that answer, and all scribble in their note books.

ššššš Next question comes from someone straight right next to

ššššš William.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš QUESTIONER 3

ššššššššššš Yeah. The last time you were here, there were some

ššššššššššš fairly graphic photographs of you and a

ššššššššššš young English guy -- so what happened

ššššššššššš there?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš He was just a friend -- we're

ššššššššššš still friends. I think.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Right. Yes, the gentleman in the pink shirt.

 

ššššš He is pointing straight at William, who has his hand up.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Yes -- Miss Scott -- are there any

ššššššššššš circumstances in which you two might be

ššššššššššš more than just friends?

 

ššššš Anna sees who it is asking.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš I hoped there might be -- but no, I'm

ššššššššššš assured there aren't.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš But what would you say if...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš No, I'm sorry just a one question, please.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš No, it's all right. You were saying?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš I was wondering whether if it

ššššššššššš turned out that this... person...

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš OTHER JOURNALIST

ššššššššššššššššš (to William)

ššššššššššš Thacker. His name was Thacker.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš Thanks.š Thanks.š I just wondered if Mr. Thacker

ššššššššššš realized he'd been a daft prick and got

ššššššššššš down on his knees and begged you to

ššššššššššš reconsider, whether you would in fact, then...

ššššššššššš reconsider.

 

ššššš We cut to Max, Bella, Bernie and Honey, all watching.š Then back

ššššš to Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Yes, I believe I would I'm pretty sure I would.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš WILLIAM

ššššššššššš That's very good news.š The readers of

ššššššššššš 'Horse and Hound' will be absolutely

ššššššššššš delighted.

 

ššššš Anna whispers something to Jeremy.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš JEREMY

ššššššššššš Right. Dominic -- if you'd like to ask your

ššššššššššš question again?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš QUESTIONER 1

ššššššššššš Yes -- Anna -- how long are you

ššššššššššš intending to stay here in Britain?

 

ššššš Pause.š Anna looks up at William.š He nods.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš ANNA

ššššššššššš Indefinitely.

 

ššššš They both smile -- suddenly the press gets what's going on --

ššššš music -- noise -- they all turn and flash, flash, flash photos

ššššš of William.š Max and Bella kiss.š Bernie kisses a total stranger.

ššššš Spike finally makes it -- he's bright red from running.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš SPIKE

ššššššššššš What happened?

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš HONEY

ššššššššššš It was good.

 

ššššš Honey hugs him.š It's a new experience for Spike.

 

ššššš Cut to William's face -- flash after flash -- still looking at

ššššš Anna.š They are both smiling.

 

ššššš INT./EXT. THE HEMPEL ZEN GARDEN WITH MARQUEEN - DAY

 

ššššš Anna and William at their wedding -- they kiss and walk into the

ššššš crowd.

 

ššššš Honey, a bridesmaid in peach satin -- she is surrounded by at

ššššš least four other bridesmaids, all under five.

 

ššššš Nearby, Tony standing, glowing, beside his fabulous,

ššššš pyramidical wedding cake.

 

ššššš William's mother is not quite happy with how he's looking.š She

ššššš tries to brush his hair.

 

ššššš Max, dressed in the most devastating Bond-like white tuxedo is

ššššš dancing with Anna -- thrilled.š He does a rather flashy little

ššššš move.š Cut to Bella who is watching and laughing.

 

ššššš Martin, in an awkward tweed suit, is jiggling to the beat of a

ššššš song, entirely happy in the corner.

 

ššššš EXT. LEICESTER SQUARE - NIGHT

 

ššššš A huge premier -- screaming crowds -- Anna and William get out

ššššš of the car, she holding his hand --š looking ultimately gorgeous

ššššš -- he in a black suit that doesn't quite fit.š He's startled.

 

ššššš EXT. GARDEN - DAY

 

ššššš A pretty green communal garden.š Children are playing, watched

ššššš by mothers, one of whom holds a new baby in a papoose.š A very

ššššš old couple wander along slowly.

 

ššššš A small tai chi group moves mysteriously.š And as the camera

ššššš glides, it passes a couple sitting on a single, simple wooden

ššššš bench overlooking the garden.š He is reading, she is just

ššššš looking out, totally relaxed, holding his hand, pregnant.š It

ššššš is William and Anna.

 

ššššššššššššššššššššššš THE END

 

 


 [S2]n. 1. (for hunting) ÏÈÏÔÎÉÞØÑ ÓÏÂÁËÁ; he rides to hounds ÏÎ ÏÈÏÔÉÔÓÑ ÎÁ ÌÉÓÉà (Ó ÓÏÂÁËÁÍÉ); (coll., any dog) УÓ, ÓÏÂÁËÁ. 2. (despicable man) ÓÏÂÁËÁ. v.t. (with advs.): hound down ×ÙÌÏ×ÉÔØ (pf.); hound on ÎÁÔÒÁ×ÌÉ×ÁÔØ, -ÉÔØ.

 [S3]adj. ÇÒÑÚÎÙÊ, ÎÅÐÒÉÓÔÏÊÎÙÊ; filthy lucre (joc.) ÐÒÅÚÒÅÎÎÙÊ ÍÅÔÁÌÌ.

 [S4]n. 1. (flick) ÝÅÌÞÏË; he gave the boy a flip on the ear ÏÎ ÌÅÇÏÎØËÏ ÕÄÁÒÉÌ ÍÁÌØÞÉËÁ ÐÏ ÕÈÕ. 2. (drink) ÆÌÉÐ; egg flip ÑÉÞÎÙÊ ÆÌÉÐ. 3. (coll., short flight) ËÏÒÏÔËÉÊ ÐÏÌ£Ô. 4. (coll.): the flip side of a record ÏÂÒÁÔÎÁÑ ÓÔÏÒÏÎÁ ÐÌÁÓÔÉÎËÉ. adj. (flippant) ÄÅÒÚËÉÊ. v.t. Ý£ÌËÁÔØ, -ÎÕÔØ.